A midwife and mum-of-two shares the labor truths every woman needs to know.

She’s the baby-obsessed, tell it like it is midwife that everyone needs holding their hand in the birth suite. Amelia, or as she’s known to many in the Instagram world as ‘The Midwife Mumma’ is a mother of two and seasoned midwife, with a strong passion for supporting women through their pregnancy and birth journey.

So as a woman clearly in the know on all things birth, baby and vaginas, Amelia is sharing her top truths and tips when it comes to birth from a midwife’s perspective – no holds barred! Amelia says “I hope to those of you whom are expecting your baby or have recently given birth that the below gives you a good laugh and possible reality check of what lies ahead.”

So here we go…

Birth hurts

It bloody does! But that’s okay, we are human remember! Whether you are as calm as a chameleon, as fragile as a flower (totally me) or as strong as an ox, it hurts! It is just that some women have different coping mechanisms to others and display their discomfort in a different manner.

You are either a little bee humming your way through contractions or a raging bull trying to head butt the bed. Same same but different, you get me? No second guesses as to who I was during my labour! Either way, you MUST remember it is only temporary, millions of women are going through this at the same time as you and your little babe is worth every bit of discomfort three billion times over – I promise.

You will poo

You will. Even if your partner or midwife says you didn’t – I bet you did! But whatever, poo schmoo! We expect it, we clean it, we bin it and move on!

Gas does not make you sick – labour makes you sick

Women always say, ‘Ahhh the gas makes me feel sick’. No hun, your labour is making you feel sick and that’s the truth. Keep on sucking that magical gas girlfriend. The happy gas as I call it, makes you happy! Well for that contraction anyway – I swear the gas is good! I am turning you all off babies aren’t I? I LOVE THE GAS!!

We don’t care about your hair ‘down there’

Midwives NEVER think to ourselves, “God damn that is one hairy beast”, we just don’t! The same goes to those as polished and pristine as can be. Do you realise how many VJJ’s we have seen throughout our career? THAT many that we don’t even think of it as a VJJ, we think of it as, ‘Hopefully a head will be born out of there soon for the mumma’s sake’.

????Bath Time otherwise known as “I am about to pull my freakin hair out If you both aren’t in bed in 15 minutes” is saaaaaaa much fun in our house.. it goes a lot like this: -Wrangling said babies on my on -Babies are ferral -Mumma is rooted -The End ???????? •• What’s your fave time of day? Mine is when my head hits the pillow and I get a solid 12 (????????????????) hours of uninterrupted sleep to do it all again tomorrow ???? I love Wine. That is all. •• #bathtime #bedtime #besttime #mumlife #supermumhere #owningit #longdayofbeingamumma

A post shared by The Midwife Mumma (@themidwifemumma) on Aug 17, 2017 at 3:57am PDT

Your dignity stays at the door

This is SO true! We are all women remember, but I promise we respect you at all times and will do our best to cover you up when you are feeling super vulnerable. Those mummas that swear they were never going to get nudie rudie are the first to strip off! And so be it mumma – you do whatever you need to do to get through that labour and birth. I was SO hot I stripped without even knowing, crumpet butt and all! There was no way that hospital gown was staying on.

On caesarian birth and undies

You are just as special! Whether you have an elective or emergency caesarian, us midwives will still spoil you with love, pain killers and TLC! One big negative is living on ice chips (if that) for the many hours post op… I would have been a terrible c/s patient considering my appetite is a big as a horse. However – STILL pack your granny undies – they will be your wound’s best friend in the first few weeks post-partum!

When it comes to the epidural…

The bee’s knees or the devil Satan.. EVERY TOM, DICK AND HARRY has their opinion about this but let’s be honest – are they enduring your contractions for you and birthing your baby? I don’t think so.

YOU do what is right for YOU. Us midwives will support you with whatever pain relief you decide (if any) to have. It is no one’s business but yours.

I have so far birthed two babies BOTH with beautiful epidurals. Why? Because I wasn’t coping during both labours and needed them. My midwife (bless her) gladly got me one.

We don’t judge.

The calm birthers are actually our best friends

Hypnobirthing guru? We love you too! Of course we do. In fact YOU ladies manage to give us midwives zen during your labour believe it or not. You labour however it best suits you. Just make sure you are upfront with your birth plan and we will do our best to adhere to it.

LISTEN: It’s showtime! Hello Bump is here to talk you through bringing your new addition into the world (post continues after audio…)

Tender nips are inevitable

Firstly, even the world’s best breastfeeders (if there is such a thing) and the babies with the world’s best attachment (if there is such a thing) will give you tender nips. That is the truth, BUT it does get better! Each and every day it absolutely does.

Secondly, I tell my patients this will be one of the hardest thing you will ever do. It certainly doesn’t come ‘naturally’ to everybody and that is fine. You know what else is fine? If you don’t or are unable to breastfeed. We do wish for you to, for the beautiful benefits for you and baby, BUT we would NEVER judge for not.

Let’s talk hemorrhoids

JOY! So taboo! I bet your midwife or OB didn’t tell you how nasty these critters could be? WELL I am telling you first hand, midwife and mum-of-two, that hemorrhoids are yuck, painful, ugly and fugly.

Analgesia, cushions, stool softeners and ice will be your best friend when dealing with these. The good news is – they will go! And, in the undesirable case they outstay their welcome, see your GP.

When it comes to swelling, listen to our advice

Down there and everywhere – you will be swollen post birth!

Listen to your midwife when she suggests a gentle stroll around the ward followed by resting in bed with your legs elevated is key to decreasing swelling. As for your VJJ – ICE ICE BABY! For your legs and feet? Get moving GF!

The damn Baby Blues

The crazy hormonal tears! The tears that don’t even know why the are running down your cheek! The tears that seem to disappear with a hot cuppa and chat from your midwife. Argggh!

The baby blues can strike anytime from a few days to a week or two post birth. They are normal, common, and at the time make you feel like a blubbering mess.

I cried in the shower for an hour my first night at home. I was tired, overwhelmed, overjoyed and hormonal as hell. I didn’t know why I was crying but after that hour I felt good and back to myself – weird hey?

What isn’t normal is if you are crying ALL the time or feeling sad or flat and you don’t know why. In that case, PLEASE do not be ashamed and talk to you midwife, doctor, partner, friend, mum, or sister. It is super important to ensure you are 100 per cent healthy both mentally and physically post partum.

WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!

Ahhhhhhhh the BEST part of my job. Nothing compares to seeing you give birth and become a mother for the first (or tenth) time. We as midwives are proud.  Not one birth is the same as another… vaginal birth, caesar birth. They’re all amazing.Thank you for allowing me – for allowing us – to be apart of your journey into motherhood.

This post was originally published on House of White and was republished here with full permission.

If you want to hear more from Amelia, you can follow her over on Instagram here, or via her blog The Midwife Mumma.