"Just hurry up and get yourself some sperm, will you!"

A friend of mine received this unusual text recently. From me. And it wasn’t some crude reference to her getting laid after a long drought. Oh no. This was me hassling her to be more proactive about having a baby. To get a jolly along and get knocked up already.

Some background: my friend has wanted to become a mother since she was a teenager. Her most recent relationship lasted five years and only ended 18 months ago because she wanted kids and he wasn’t ready. During counselling, he finally admitted he might never be ready. So. She’s currently single and at 38, is well aware the curtains are closing on her fertility. Tick tock and all that. Sad, annoying, clichéd but true.

In the past year, she’s thrown herself enthusiastically into dating. She’s done blind dates and the Internet thing. She’s met lots of nice guys and a few lousy ones.

Through it all, she’s tried hard to pretend – even to herself - that she’s just looking for love and friendship. But if she’s honest, she’s actually been auditioning prospective Baby Daddies. This is difficult. Dates are loaded enough without a pink elephant in a nappy sitting between you over dinner. Give the elephant an egg timer and casual chitchat can be strained.

It doesn’t help that men automatically assume her age is shorthand for “I’m-desperate-to-get-married-and-reproduce- immediately.” For some women, this simply isn’t true. But for my friend unfortunately it is. Her fear of being childless grows with every birthday as she realises Mr Right-Ready-And-Willing-To-Conceive may never show up. Or if he does, it’ll be too late for him to be the biological father of her child.

The way I see it, at this point you have three alternatives. One? Keep dating and waiting. Fingers and ovaries crossed. Two? Resign yourself to childlessness. Three? Do it yourself.

For the record, do I believe it’s preferable for a child to have two parents? Yes. Do I believe this will guarantee a happy, well-adjusted child? No. Do I believe families come in a variety of shapes, sizes and configurations? Absolutely.

Sharon Stone is not someone whose opinions I usually hold in high regard. She lost me around the time I heard a reporter ask how she maintains such a great body. When Sharon replied:” I just laugh a lot”, I wanted to smack her. But on the subject of single women having kids, this mother of three adopted sons makes a valid point. "I'd urge anyone who is even considering it to go ahead and make their own family, instead of sitting around dreaming and hoping that their Prince Charming is going to come and give them children,” she told Britain’s Now magazine last year. “What's the point? Make it happen for yourself. If your Prince Charming does come, then he's going to walk in and say, 'Oh, just what I've been looking for, a family waiting for me.' We can do that these days."

Of course Sharon can say this because she’s independently wealthy and can buy unlimited help. As can other Hollywood mothers like Calista Flockhart, Meg Ryan, Michelle Pfieffer and Angelina Jolie who all made the same choice as single women. It’s a different story when you’re on Struggle Street. Same yearning, fewer options.

From my admittedly comfy vantage point of being married with kids, I flag the DIY option to my childless single friends who desperately don’t’ want to be childless. One clucky friend in her late thirties considered it but ended up married and pregnant 18 months later. Another knocked me off my idealistic, Mary-Poppins perch by pointing out that without family living near by or a secure financial situation, she felt it was utterly irresponsible to bring a child into the world on her own. Fair enough.

But back to sperm. Not being known for my tact or subtlety, it was me who raised the subject with my dating friend. “What about a sperm bank!’ I suggested gaily over banana cake at my place one weekend. Before she could even articulate a response, I’d whipped out my laptop and Googled “donor sperm”.

The sperm supply situation in Australia is not fabulous. This is because fewer and fewer men want to donate DNA which, due to new mandatory disclosure laws, could come knocking at their door in 18 years. But the market for reproductive spare parts is booming in the US for both buyers and sellers of DNA. Apart from rivers of sperm (sorry for that particularly vivid metaphor), it’s legal in America to buy and sell eggs and also to rent out your uterus so couples and individuals wanting to conceive have a buffet of options. Theoretically, you could buy an egg from one person, sperm from another and rent a third person’s womb to carry the resulting embryo. Providing you have the dosh to pay for it all of course.

American sperm banks are a lot like Internet dating agencies except with higher stakes and bodily fluids. Oh what fun my friend and I had that afternoon – and on several occasions since – trawling through prospective Baby Daddy profiles. Physical appearance, education, medical history, hobbies, personality traits…on some sites you can even see the donor’s handwriting. My favourites are the ones where the ‘collection nurses” add their impressions of the donor. I wonder if any of them like to cuddle after making their donation?

Ultimately, I don’t know if my friend will go through with it or not. I hope she does (as I made clear in my sperm text). But just knowing she has some options other than waiting for fate to send her the father of her children before it’s too late? That’s got to be a good thing.

Comments

[Emma]

As a child raised predominately by a single parent (as my parents split up when I was 11 & we haven’t had much contact with our father since then), I think it’s a fine idea for someone who wants a baby to have it on their own.
Although having said that, I feel it’s important (for me) to know where I’ve come from. I have a hard time with the fact my paternal grandparents died before I was born, I would have loved to have gotten to know them. If I didn’t know my father I feel that would be hard for me too. I’m sure that’s something that alot of adopted children and children that have come from a sperm donor may feel.
But there are the adopted children that feel no need to meet their biological parents. I know a lady who made it so her biological parents couldn’t find her ‘cause her adopted family was enough for her. I, however, would always wonder.
I do believe you can get enough love from just one parent and I think if someone wants to have a child and they do it as a single parent, good for them. Having two parents does not make the ideal family; living with my parents together was hell!

[lu]

I worked with a woman who did the sperm bank thing. Financially independent, amazing, succesful, educated lady. But she lived alone and had no family nearby. Once the baby was born she was a complete wreck. She used to come in every other day to visit us while she was on maternity leave, simply because she had nobody else to hand the baby to. We would take turns holding him for her just to give her some support. She came back to work full-time and employed a nanny much sooner than she had originally wanted to just so she could get a break from the baby. I think the early days are hard enough when you have a husband and parents to help. It would be living hell to do the first 6 months alone.

[Eliza]

As a sole parent (single parent doesn't really work for us girls who have used donor sperm) I was really pleased to see the column today. How great that the choices we have made are being spoken about in mainstream media. I know of many women Australia wide who while haven't given up on having a lasting relationship have organised themselves to have children before the tick tick tick of their own fertility slows. Many of them haven't had huge amounts of money or family support close by, many of them have more than one child. We have a bunch of kids who all know they are donor conceived and many of them do have the chance to meet or gain further information from their donors when they turn 18 - some are already in touch. It's not new for single women to visit a fertility clinic - the oldest kids to sole parents I know are teenagers. And Mia you're right there are all sorts of families out there and "we" sometimes more than others have put a lot of thinking into our decision, and ALL of our kids are well adjusted. It's not really easy on your own - but the rewards are just fantastic!

[Nicky]

thank you......

[Kerry Bullen]

Dear Mia & fellow readers,

So much of 'Get yourself some Sperm' on Sunday offended me.

At 36yrs (& single) I've grown up with Dolly, Cosmo & Mia’s Sunday musing's - I make a point of reading Mia's articles weekly and have considered us 'on the same page'.

From this Sunday's headline down I was deeply irked. Like every single woman over 30 I only need to visit my GP (& Nanna) to be re-reminded of my ticking-clock. A recent visit to a Dermatologist produced similar prodding that I seriously consider becoming a single parent – I cried all the way home.

As an aunt to three adorable under 5yr olds I'm aware of the delights/strains/challenges of day to day parenthood (& that's WITH a husband). I absolutely believe a child can be well adjusted in having the love & support of one parent but who loves & supports the supporter?

To be plain and as a realist, I am terrified at the thought of needing a single approach to parenthood.

As a Plan A I'd have hoped this article might encourage women needing to 'make motherhood happen' find someone to support them through this lifelong commitment ie: a family member (cousin, sister) or a like-minded male or female friend.

As a Plan B I'd have hoped that this article might have pointed out that Egg Banks are needed NOW in Australia. My understanding is in terms of female fertility the ONLY thing that ages is our EGGS, not our wombs. If we could freeze our eggs at the age of 30-35yrs and let nature take it's course in finding a solid life-partner we could then potentially conceive at age 45+ (if life worked out that way).

Egg Banks are available in US & while Sperm Banks are spoken of here, Egg Banks could potentially give Australian women an incredible, possible solution.

Mia, with all due respect before you casually prompt your girlfriends & readers 'to get some sperm' (when I believe you can't understand the weight of our burden) I hope you'll help us responsibly explore our every option.

I hope you will address, investigate & help raise awareness of the benefits of Egg Banks in Australia.

Best regards,
Kerryl.

[Anthony]

Im having visions of "rsvp.com.au/sperm/index.htm"
On a serious note, you know how much of a turnoff getting sized up as a potential dad can be? You could almost get the feeling your being sized up for potential child support claim.

[Eve]

As far as I know freezing your eggs is no guarentee that you'll then be able to sucessfully implant an embryo later.
Plus if you can afford to freeze your eggs for 10 years, you can probably afford some childcare & counselling so you could handle the 'commitment'.
Or just maybe not everyone is meant to have children?

[Kerryl]

Hi Eve, YES everyone, freezing eggs (like inseminating donated sperm) provides no guarantee of actually falling. & YES, if Egg Banks currently exist in Australia they'd be very expensive, and YES i genuinely don't think i have what it takes to be a single parent so I want to explore every option.

I think it interesting that ‘apparently’, in terms of female fertility it's only our eggs that age – that an egg banked at age 25, could be implanted in us at 35yrs, and we'd have similar chance of falling pregnant as we did in our 20’s.

Imagine if our GP’s addressed this with us as an option in our late 20’s, rather than prompting us to think-solo in our mid 30’s. Imagine if our government considered supporting this as a considerable solution for Australia’s ageing population. Imagine if like men, us women could retain our fertility for longer and let relationships take their natural course.

I think it’s an incredible & exciting thought. Does have anything other than personal swipe's to bring to this conversation?

[kelly]

Kerryl, take a deep breath and a chill pill, you've had your say, we don't all agree. That is the point of a discussion board.

Cheers Mia, thought provoking piece!

[Kerryl]

Hi Kelly, you don't agree that we deserve more options? options that are available to women in the US? Girlfriends of mine, that know of Egg Banks now, regret they didnt know of them 5yrs ago.

I'm keen to open constructive discussion but am having little luck. Or are discussion boards only a forum for digs at each other?