Great news: You can finally get your vagina steam-cleaned.

I think my vagina just retreated into my stomach…

The new beauty treatment that is gaining popularity (and by that, we mean Gwyneth Paltrow has recommended it) is the V-Steam. That’s V for Vagina.

“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infra-red and Mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

No, Gwyneth. Wrong.

If you’re in LA, you have to go to Universal Studios. You don’t have to get your uterus steam-cleaned with mugwort.

The Tikkun Holistic Spa in Los Angeles is the beauty clinic that is offering to wash out your lady-pocket.

UM… HOW?

“Mugwort leaves and flower buds are boiled and steamed and applied to a specific area of the body (perineum) for detoxification. The steam from the Mugwort is then absorbed into the body through the pores of the skin, most strongly effecting the site of absorption.”

So… a stranger will rub some ground-up compost onto your special place, and then spray some steam up there for a good half hour. Anyone else feeling uncomfortable about this? I’m accidentally doing pelvic-floor clenches just thinking about it.

UH… WHY?

Health, of course. According to the Tikkun website, these are just some of the benefits:

• Soothes while strengthening the nervous system (my nervous system would be strengthened, alright. From all the nerves)
• Stimulates menstrual discharges and the production of milk (WHY IS ANYONE PRODUCING MILK IN THEIR UTERUS?)
• Eases fatigue, headaches, abdominal discomfort and nausea (pretty sure it would increase my nausea)
• Lessens the effects of renal calculi, rheumatism, arthritis and gout (vaginal arthritis is a thing?)
• Kills intestinal worms (by feeding them Mugwort)
• Warms the body (well… duh)

But the website also declares that the treatments “have not been evaluated by the FDA. The above product/service is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any diseases or conditions.” That’s promising.

Good to know: Your vagina can also have a facial.

And how much will this cost? US$50 for 30 min, or $200 for 5 treatments. Save yourself the 200 bucks, and go sit on your kettle. Also, GREAT NEWS, GENTS. You can get a steam bath too. Your throne is probably a different shape, but it will ‘cure’ your haemorrhoid discomfort (please note: absolutely no proof of curing haemorrhoid discomfort).

So there you have it. I am not one to judge what other women do with their private parts. Go for the downstairs steam-clean if you want. But I, for one, will probably keep my uterus Mugwort-free.

Braver than me: Our very own Shelly Horton has tried it.

And her hilarious review uses the words ‘smoked trout’. Read it here.