Sorry guys, you are all wrong. The Bachelor is not going to pick Lana.

Guys. You’ve got it all wrong.

Everyone seems to think that Bachelor Sam is going to pick Lana tomorrow night to be his Happily Ever After — Lana with her luscious long hair and big eyes and many languages.

But they’re wrong. It’s going to be SARAH.

Stick with me. I’ve got research and theories and long words like ‘economically beneficial’.

Here’s the thing. Sam has a business. I’m not entirely sure what it is, but I think it’s something to do with coaching children in health and fitness (just kidding. It’s definitely that. They talk about it EVERY FIVE MINUTES). Sam has been running his start-up business Gecko Sports for seven years, and no doubt he’ll be getting a few more job offers after this series ends (nothing suss).

Lana. She has lovely eyes. And speaks Spanish. Not enough.  (Post continues after gallery):

In my experience, people with a business are always thinking about their business. They spend so much time every day thinking about business, most of their sentences are something like “business business business let’s have lunch businesssssssss”.

I’m not saying business people are selfish or bad friends, they are just busy businessing. Like Sam would be.

So he needs a good business wife. Not necessarily to work at the company, but to be economically beneficial (SEE? Wait, did I use that right?) to the company. And who would make the best business wife of his final three laaay-dees?

Sarah. It’s obvious, guys. It’s so obvious.

Yeah, it’s Sarah. (Post continues after gallery):

Sam will pick Sarah because she literally has a Certificate in Business. That’s a thing that she has done. I saw it on LinkedIn, so it must be true. She’s also worked in publicity, so BOOM. Businessman Sam knows a good connection when he sees one. She could publicise the crap out of Gecko Sports. They could become the most famous kids’ sports company since… since… um… The Mighty Ducks? I don’t know, just since ever.

Also, Sarah has a rich family. What if Gecko Sports gets in trouble, and Sam has no money to buy cricket stumps and soccer nets? A sugar mama might come in reallll handy. I’m not saying he’s shallow, just… Business, guys. It’s business.

And most obviously of all, Sarah lives in Melbourne and describes herself as ‘career-driven’. You know who else lives in Melbourne and drives a career? Sam.

Sam and Sarah, guys. It’s the perfect business transaction. Sure, his heart might be into her too (or divided evenly between her and his other two chicks) and pumping love through his aorta, but if he makes the decision with his head, I know exactly where it’s going. To his monthly profit and loss statement.

Guys. Sam will pick business. I mean Sarah. He will pick Sarah.

Is Lucy right? 

Have you read Rosie’s Recaps? Because c’mon…

 

Rosie Recaps The Bachelor Episode 14: The friend zone is a brutal place.

Rosie Recaps The Bachelor Episode 13: Bachie Wood is scared of ‘opinionated’ women. Ew.

Rosie Recaps The Bachelor Episode 12: She was meant to go last night. She finally goes tonight.