Rosie Reviews: AND WE'RE BACK. The Bachelor Recaps - Episode 1.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Annnnnnd we’re back!

Season 2 of The Bachelor Australia is officially here and already I can’t even deal because the first shot is of him doing some serious beach-gazing from a sexy, bachelor cliff top. Because pensive. Because looking for love. Because Bachelor.

OH MY GLOB FIRST BOMBSHELL OF THE EVENING:

Osher’s hair has had some kind of stunning, drastic makeover. It’s like he got drunk one night with his girlfriends and let them dye his hair over the bathtub with a box they got from Woolies (squealing “I can’t believe you talked me into this!” while giggling uncontrollably). There would have been much vaseline and glad wrap involved. And now he’s officially kicking things off with one of his brilliant, ‘can’t tell if he needs medical attention’ halting way of speaking:

“The new season… Of The Bachelor… Starts now.”

This is it.

His name is Blake. He’s 31. He’s from Perth. And he really wants you to know that Perth is in WA. That’s Western Australia. On the west side of Australia. He would also really like you to know that he is genuinely, for realsies, looking for love, which he proves by going jogging in a park without his shirt on. Then doing some stretches without his shirt on. Then standing in the middle of a rock pool without his shirt on.

He’s a one-woman man, and he believes that one woman is out there somewhere. He just needs her to first compete against 24 other ladies in a brutal bikini-clad Thunderdome-style fight to the death. Then he’ll make her dreams come true by posing with her on the cover of Woman’s Day and holding her hand on the red carpet at some club openings.

We’re now being informed that Blake is more than just muscles with a head, which we know because we get to watch him putting a business shirt on. A business shirt AND cufflinks, because he’s definitely a fancy business man and not just a pretend doctor like last year’s Bachelor.

He’s also carrying an important-looking business folder for doing business and saying something about ‘working towards setting up his own real estate agency’. Sounds just like when I used to answer phones at David Jones and I was ‘working towards winning an Oscar’.

Oh my glob. He was raised by his mother and grandmother, the latter of which is an awesome, sassy old lady in a wheelchair. And he desperately wants to be the father he never had. I would have LOVED to have been at Channel Ten the day the producers found this guy. It would definitely have involved an epic mass-orgasm that could only be matched by the one that occurred in barely literate households across the world the day the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer was released.

Apparently mummy and sassy granny taught him to respect women, and if last year’s Bachelor bikini dodgeball challenge is anything to go by, he’ll definitely be doing a lot of that on this show.

Blah blah blah wants a family of his very own etc etc etc. Shut up now please.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Before the sparkly Hunger Games can begin, Osher continues his tradition of breaking down the complicated maths that is the foundation of the whole show:

There’s 24 girls. There’s only 20 roses. 24 – 20 = 4. That means 4 girls won’t be getting roses. Which means 20 girls will be getting roses. So at the end of the night, the 4 girls who haven’t received roses will need to piss off and let the interesting contestants get down to business.

Osher meets Blake at Ridge Forrester’s house the Bachelor Mansion and they have a totally natural, definitely not scripted conversation about love etc. Although it’s hard to concentrate when they’re standing next to each other because it kind of looks like a hobbit talking to one of those wildling giants from Game of Thrones. I just want Blake to pick Osher up by his glorious, freshly-dyed hair and put him in the pocket of his important business shirt that he definitely does important business things in.

THE FIRST LIMO IS ARRIVING.

Our Bach looks a little awkward standing there. There’s something confused about his smile. It’s kind of like the smile I imagine Ralph Wiggum would do when he isn’t sure how to put on pants.

First up is netballer actually an assistant Holly. “It’s such an honour to be the first girl to finally meet you,” she gushes. They talk for 30 seconds, which is enough to convince her that there was DEFINITELY ‘something there’.

Ugh. More girls more girls squealing awkward small talk squealing etc etc etc. You know which ladies are serious contenders and which ones aren’t by the music that is played as they they arrive. The serious contenders get an elaborate romantic orchestra; the others basically get the equivalent of someone blowing into a glass bottle.

Special mentions:

Emma, who looks like she’s walking home from a big night at 5am. I’m surprised she’s not carrying her shoes and holding a kebab.

Diana, who keeps insisting she’s just like ‘the princess’. Someone probably needs to sit her down and gently explain what happened at the end of that particular fairytale.

Jess, who gets romantic violins so you know she’s going to be a major player. Blake tells her she’s beautiful and she modestly replies that she gets it from her mother.

Anita, who sings to Blake and won’t let him look away even though he’s clearly confused and disturbed.

Now Kat is stealing Anita’s thunder by singing but actually doing it well AND OH MY GLOB BLAKE IS DANCING AND SHE IS SINGING AND THIS MAY BE THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. This is actually physically upsetting to watch. STOP NOW PLEASE LET IT BE OVER.

A bunch of girls called Tiarnar and Briarnar and Liarnar and Shiarnar.

Event planners, fashion entrepreneurs, event planners, dog groomers, interior decorators, event planners.

And finally we’re inside. Osher explains to the ladies how the game works and of course most of them look surprised. Some random who wasn’t interesting enough to get a proper introduction tells us that ‘a rose really means are you staying or are you going – so I definitely want a rose.’

NAILED IT.

Okay, you guys, it’s here. It’s time for the big WHITE ROSE reveal. Channel Ten have been teasing us about this MASSIVE BOMBSHELL for weeks. I’ve fallen asleep to the sound of Osher’s voice telling me “THIS HAS NEVER… BEEN DONE… BEFORE.” So this better be epic.

It’s not epic.

The WHITE ROSE grants one lucky lady ‘safe passage’ through, get this, not one, but TWO rose ceremonies.

Apparently Blake gives the WHITE ROSE to the girl who he likes so much, he just has to make sure she stays safe for two weeks.

Now, this may sound crazy but… Seeing as Blake is in charge of who goes through anyway, if he likes you enough to want to keep you in the competition for two weeks, couldn’t he just keep you in the competition for two weeks? You know, by giving you two red roses?

NO ROSIE. WHITE ROSE.

Finally Osher has gone back to his lair and the cocktail party can actually begin. Bitchy look bitchy look passive aggressive small talk love seats love seats etc etc etc.

Special mentions:

Anita, who has clearly already built a Blake shrine and just needs to add a lock of his pubic hair as the final touch. She is actually following him around and hiding in the bushes and I swear to glob she will eat another woman’s face off before this competition is through.

Laurina, who from this point on will be referred to as ‘Audrey Day-Knight’ because she’s like Audrey Hepburn on the outside but Kath Day-Knight on the inside. She confuses the crap out of Blake when she rebuffs his offer for a one-on-one chat. His confused Ralph Wiggum smile goes into overdrive. Also, she starts cleaning the furniture, which is either due to a struggle with human interation, or a quest to get Blake’s DNA so she can hightail it to a cloning lab.

Possibly Definitely drunk Sam staring at Blake and Anita while they have a one-on-one. No words.

Some boring, obvious people get early roses. Holly the netballer assistant gets the WHITE ROSE, which doesn’t really feel like anything now but if you keep saying it in CAPITAL LETTERS the way Channel Ten wants you to, you can sort of pretend like it is.

And he’s handing the rest out. ‘Princess’ Diana gets through. A whole bunch of other randoms get through. OH MY GLOB ANITA GETS THROUGH PRAISE BE TO OPRAH. She’s clearly a clever producer’s choice and not Blake’s but I don’t care. I would like to kiss that producer on the mouth.

Four girls get booted. One of which is possibly definitely drunk Sam. I don’t think the other three have appeared in the episode until this moment. They each mumble something about finding love and go home to continue bringing pride on their families.

We’re back, you guys.

Tomorrow night: A fantasy photo shoot. Just like week 2 last year. Because Bachelor.

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