So here’s the thing. Once something is over, like, say, the years during which my Dad sexually abused me and my mum let him, it’s not really over. The nightmares, the fear, the rock-bottom self-esteem, the self-harming urges. The obsessive-compulsive door-locking. These stay. Until you can’t live around them any more.
At least, that’s how it went for me. I grew into a very angry teenager, and then a more-or-less functional adult. I went to University and got a business degree. I travelled. I got a job. You know, grown-up, functional kind of stuff. I even got married! Clearly, I was doing just fine. Wasn’t I?
Well, no. I was often almost late for work because I had been compulsively locking and re-locking my front door. Did I check 21 times? If I hadn’t, it couldn’t be locked. Best I go back and check again. Lock-unlock. Lock-unlock. Must do it 21 times. Must do that ritual three times.
Can’t send a text message unless the number of letters in it are a multiple of 3. You have NO idea how time consuming that one was! The counting. The constant counting. It makes me anxious just to remember it. And no, I still don’t know what it was with the multiples of three.
When the counting/locking/repeating didn’t help, I went to sleep. I even found a job where I could work flexi-time, because I couldn’t be awake for more than six hours before the world overwhelmed me. It would get too loud, too bright, too much. That was just my normal. I had no idea there was another way to be: I had never been any other way.
And I could sort of live with it. Until my marriage broke down, and with it, the last of my defenses, the last of my desire to keep carrying my anxiety, my fear, my pain and shame around with me.
Top Comments
XBNtXp I cannot thank you enough for the blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Will read on...
Nadine one of the things I found useful was PSH therapy (with Dr Lindsay Duncan). Hard to explain exactly how it works - but it involves hypnosis. He only ever recommends a maximum of 3 sessions - I had 2. It works differently for everyone - but when I think back to how I was, there have been some major turnarounds for the better.
Of course I can't say for sure it was the therapy - but when I think about it... I saw a lot of positive changes in the months that followed. They have been permanent changes. I also think timing played a critical factor - after years of living with pain and then hitting rock-bottom I was ready to surrender it once and for all. And I had faith that it would work - so I'm sure that helped.
That sounds really interesting! I must say, the mind-body link really seems to show up for all of us. Talk therapy alone seldom seems to be enough.
I'm glad you've had so many positive changes - yay!