All Barbara and David wanted was a baby to treasure and love. Instead they found themselves in the middle of a nightmare when the surrogate they found to act as an egg donor and surrogate for them decided to keep the child.
Barbara thought they had done everything right, driving to meet 22-year-old surrogate Jamie and her husband Steven at a local steakhouse. They asked all the right questions.
“I asked him straight out how he felt about his wife carrying another couple’s baby,” Barbara told People magazine. “I asked him really personal questions.”
Both couple left feeling good about the arrangement, or so Barbara and David thought, even signing a 38-page surrogacy contract.
They believed Jamie and Steven were happily married and understood they weren’t ready to have children of their own, opting instead to save to buy their first home. Using Jamie’s egg and David’s sperm a child was conceived.
Jamie rang Barbara on Mother’s Day to share the good news. She said, “Barb, I’m pregnant. The test came back. I love you so much. This is great. We’re going to have a great journey.”
Soon after that joyous moment, Barbara says Jamie started acting strangely, evasive, saying she could only talk late at night. Barbara met up with Jamie at the 12-week ultrasound and was told that she and her husband had split up. Barbara says she was shocked.
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All rights and obligations of surrogate mother and intended parents should be written in agreement and be protected by the law. For surrogate mother it is usually very hard to leave the baby. I have seen some surrogate mothers that were crying leaving babies. But it is like natural human reaction. During the nine month there was contact between gestational carrier and baby. It is really strong connection with a baby bearing it. But I don’t think that it would cause significant damage for birth mother and child. Surrogate mother should be prepared to leave. Surrogate mothers must have physiological consultations and support. I’ve mentioned it because our surrogate mother had it. And of course there should be strong reasons to become surrogate mothers. As we are talking about gestational
surrogacy not traditional. The birth mother is not connected biologically the child. From this point of view it is more justified that traditional surrogacy. And I think traditional surrogacy isn’t used any more if I am not mistaken. And concerning the children I think it is not obligatory to tell them the truth. I understand that it would be hard to conceal it. However, here we need to choose. We need to be very careful with their psycho. It is very fragile. Once hurt, it is very difficult to restore it. We are not obliged to tell all the details of birth and bearing to our child. Maybe in some cases adoption can be alternative. But it is not always a way out. There are a lot of problems appearing with the adoption. I have nothing against it but it is really very difficult. But this process can take several years. Meanwhile it is pleasure to
raise a baby since the birth. And that child will not be genetically connected neither my husband nor me. Surrogate mother and donor should be different. Maybe the legislation concerning the surrogacy can vary. But when I was treated in Ukraine.there was special legislation. That legislation did not permit surrogate mother to be a donor. Also one parent had to be genetically connected to a child. And there should be strong medical indications for surrogacy such as infertility or age.
I feel badly for everyone involved in this, but mostly the child herself. I don't think Barbara and David are selfish for wanting a baby. I don't condemn them for being desperate to have a family. I don't blame 22-year-old Jamie, barely out of her teens and in an unstable relationship situation, for being unable to part with a child who was biologically hers and whom she had carried. To me there is nothing more natural than that she would feel this way. But despite having sympathy for their motives and with their situation, I don't believe any of the adults in this story acted well. I also blame the laws in their country and state for not protecting either the child or the two sets of parents from ending up in such an awful situation.
I think commercial surrogacy is wrong on a number of levels. Firstly, morally and ethically it is wrong, as the judge said, to buy and sell children. I just don't understand how anyone can NOT get that. Secondly, the potential for a situation like Barbara, David, Jamie and Kaylee's is far too great. Thirdly, commercial surrogacy is going to attract women who need money. Poor women. Women who may be in a desperate situation. Pregnancy and childbirth places a huge strain on the mother, both physically and psychologically. Commercial surrogacy, therefore, is a process that exploits already vulnerable, underprivileged women, so that rich families can have children. That is wrong, surely.