Here’s how I knew I really needed to detox from my life.

“Do you have any questions or special requirements?” asked the woman who was taking my booking for the Gwinganna health retreat at the end of last year.*

“Just one thing,” I replied.

“Do you have broadband in the rooms?”

Because that’s why you go to a health retreat, isn’t it? To work. On your laptop.

For several years now, I’ve wanted to go to Gwinganna and not just because Hugh Jackman went up there for a week and ended up staying two months and is now a part-owner. Not because of that. My motivation was – I swear – a little deeper.

2009 was a fairly intense year for me. My book was released, I returned to making regular appearances on the Today show, I relaunched this website, I chaired the Body Image Advisory group, all while wrestling with a preschooler, a tween and a breast-feeding baby.

I’m fully aware that many people have far more and far worse things to deal with but my capacity for overwhelm is notoriously low. By the end of last year I felt strung out, drained and exhausted.

Also, I felt that I hadn’t actually been alone for approximately 100 years. Not even when I went to the toilet. I was craving some time away from my family and from the world. Just a few days. Just to hear the sound of…..silence.

Still, I wondered if going to a health retreat might be a drag. With small children, greeting the day at dawn is compulsory. So the thought of a structured regime of early starts, early nights and exercise….well, that’s pretty much called My Regular Life.

As for the detoxing, I’m not really a detox girl. This is mostly due to the fact that I don’t have much tox in me. I don’t take drugs, I don’t smoke, I barely drink alcohol or coffee. The only time I stay up late is to work.

But several friends had raved about Gwinganna which is located on top of a beautiful mountain in the Gold Coast hinterland. So at the last minute, I enquired about availability and was lucky enough to be invited to participate in their last program for 2009, a four day Sleep Discovery retreat.

Since I hadn’t slept in, oh, 12 years, I thought that sounded mighty fine. My chronic sleep deprivation had nothing to do with insomnia, just a lack of opportunity. With three children, none of whom are natural sleepers and all of whom are early wakers, sleep was something I never felt I had enough of. Oh wait, because I didn’t.

However, the thing I most needed to detox from was work. The internet. My computer. The media. This website. I knew I needed a break from it all while simultaneously being terrified by the thought of going – gasp – offline.

After establishing that no, there was not broadband in the rooms, I took some deep breaths, wrote a bunch of Mamamia posts and future-dated them to cover the few days I’d be away.

At the last minute, I packed my laptop in case I wanted to write. I also snuck in my wireless modem toggle thingy as well as some contraband tea-bags. This is despite the fact that guests are explicitly asked not to bring any outside food or drink, drugs or alcohol onto the property.

I’m such a rebel.

I got fully into the spirit of the Sleep Discovery program by discovering sleep on the plane to the gold coast and then on the minibus ride to Gwinganna from the airport. So far so good.

And then, just to further highlight why I was there with a BIG FAT FLOURO YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER PEN, while getting off the bus, I accidentally dropped my phone and it died.

Yes Universe, I hear you. Let’s do this.

DAY 1

I feel like shit. I wake up ridiculously early in my beautiful room with a stonking great headache. This surprises me because I am stupid.

I’d been to a health retreat once before, about ten years ago, when I’d been in a similar state. Just like this time, I’d felt smug about the fact I had so little to detox from. Except……sugar. And tea.

Even though I only drink low caffeinated Madura tea, I drink buckets of the stuff throughout the day and as for sugar, well, let’s just say if you took sugar and carbs out of my diet, you would be left with….tea.

It’s only taken 12 hours of eating stunningly prepared, nutritionally balanced and delicious organic food (made without sugar, low on carbs and high on protein, vegetables and grains) for my wheels to fall off and my head to pound.

I throw back a couple of Panadol for breakfast and head to my first session of the day: Qi Gong – which is like Tai Chi – on the side of the mountain, overlooking the valley. I’m dimly aware that it’s beautiful, even though I want to smack everyone, most of all myself.

The basic program at Gwinganna is ‘movement’ (sounds better than ‘exercise’) before 11am, a talk for an hour or so before lunch and then ‘dreamtime’ in the afternoon which basically means pampering sessions in the spa, reading, sleeping or whatever you want to do. Dinner is at 7 and then an early night.

There are lots of choices about which type of ‘movement’ you do depending on how hard you want to go – everything from yoga to pilates, bellydancing to spin classes, bushwalks and deep water running. Everything is optional. You can just sit by the pool and read a book or sleep all day if you want.

I’ve made an appointment to see the nutritionist on my first day and I can barely concentrate on what she’s telling me because I feel so wiped out. I’m onto my second round of Panadol for the day and I’m EXHAUSTED and unspeakably grumpy.

After telling her about my daily diet, I notice through my head fog that she looks vaguely alarmed. This is not unexpected. I have allowed my diet to become disgraceful over the past year or so. Somehow I lost my taste for fruit, vegetables and abandoned all attempts at cooking.
Slowly, sugar became a food group and then a meal and then several meals until I was practically stuffing it into a crack pipe and smoking it every couple of hours.

But surely, withdrawal from actual crack would not feel this bad. “Remember, this is how your body ACTUALLY feels,” explains the nutritionist. “Take away all the external and internal stimulants that have been disguising your true physical state and this is it. Remember this feeling because if it’s bad, you want to fix it.”

Yes, fix it. Fix me. Now please. She writes me some interesting meal suggestions, suggests a couple of supplements and sends me on my way with a serious wake-up call. How did I let myself get to this point?

Indeed, taking away all the stimulation of work and media and Twitter and texting and sugar and tea has left me feeling…..like utter crap. And I didn’t want to feel like that any more.

Thankfully, it is then time for my first treatment. A 90 minute remedial massage in the tranquil haven of the Spa Sanctuary. As I change into the fluffy white robe I’d been given, I have that moment of angst I get every time I’m about to have a massage: undies on or undies off? You can read about the rest of that dilemma here.

The massage itself was heaven although I did find it a little hard to relax. My bad.

I almost get through the rest of the day without any more Panadol but I adopt a defiant attitude of ‘why suffer?’ and pop one more dose after dinner – which was delicious.

I’m craving tea like mad and I would trade my car for a handful of Smarties but I’m not actually hungry. There is plenty of food. This is a relief.

Day 2:

I feel fantastic. The hideous fug of yesterday has lifted and I’m awake, energized and HAPPY.

Suddenly, I’m interested to chat with my fellow guests. I’m not usually good in groups. I don’t like strangers and I loathe small talk. Something I’m fantastic at is making quick judgements and assumptions about people I don’t know.

I came to Gwinganna on my own and probably 60% of my fellow guests (we were a group of about 35) have too. The others are couples, a few mother-daughters and friends. We cover all ages and are probably 70% female.

You sit at communal tables for meals and despite my misgivings on the first day, I quickly find myself looking forward to this. In every single case, my preconceptions about people are wrong. Totally and utterly wrong. Everyone has an interesting story to tell and my mind is open to hearing them. Lesson learnt.

I meet people I would never have crossed paths with otherwise in my life and find all of them to be great company.

To keep your mind in the present moment, you’re not given much advance notice of the day’s activities. This was a bit of a shock for someone as unspontaneous and controlled as me but again, it’s good to be pulled out of my comfort zone and learn to just go with the flow otherwise I would be spending all my time obsessing over what was coming up next and debating endlessly whether I wanted to do it or not. Having to make those decisions on the spot (except for treatments – those you plan in advance) is a big mind shift. Something I need.

“The activities you’re most resistant to are the ones your body probably needs the most,” observes our sublime program director, Donna. I take this to heart and choose to begin my day with deep-water running because I really don’t feel like getting wet.

It ends up being fabulous so for the rest of my stay, I continue to adopt the strategy of doing activities I wouldn’t normally do. Belly dancing, yoga, pool pilates, some new-fangled weights thing with pulleys, a silent walking meditation through the bush……each time I challenge myself mentally, I have a ball.

DAYS 3 & 4

I still feel fantastic and world feels a million miles away. So does my family although we speak on the phone. I have pangs of missing them but I’m deeply grateful for the solitude. No doubt because I know it’s very temporary.

The days pass quickly in a comfortable routine of activity in the morning and treatments, reading and naps in the afternoon.

Over the four days, I had a handful of different treatments that included acupuncture, hot stone massage and aromatherapy. They are all blissful. I keep my underpants on at all times.

Despite having smuggled in my low caffeine tea, I never use it. Nor do I open my laptop. And it’s not even a sacrifice. Just walking in the gates gave me an instant head shift. I felt immediately calmer and more grounded. I slowed down. I’d very much like to bottle this feeling so I can sniff it when required back home.

I sit out a few of the morning activities and lectures because what I need is to sit around and read a book. That’s what’s missing from my normal life. And it’s an extraordinary luxury.

AND THEN WHAT?

What you REALLY want to know is what happened in the weeks after I came home, right? Sure, it’s easy to be virtuous and sugar-free when someone is preparing all your meals and snacks. And it’s easy to keep a lid on your workload when you have no broadband.

But what about when it’s back to real life?

Well, I can tell you this. I’m trying to eat organic as much as I can. I have not jumped back on the sugar train although I’m not a freak about it. Sure, there is sugar in my life but not several times a day every day. I’m more likely to reach for some nuts instead, I know they’ll be more satisfying. My craving for chocolate has not returned. This is a miracle.

I’ve lost weight although that was never my intention or motivation.

I’m eating more protein at every meal, more fruit, vegetables and fresh food. I’m thinking more about what I eat and how I can use it to FEED my body not just fill a hole.

For a few weeks, the noise in my head was dramatically lower. I stopped thinking in tweets, columns and blog posts. I emailed and texted less. I checked this website less compulsively during the day. I stopped multi-tasking so madly.

I rediscovered how to be comfortable in silence. I didn’t need the radio blaring when I drove or while I worked. I didn’t need to follow the news cycle. I drank a lot more water and felt better for it.

But I didn’t become a happy clappy preachy screechy bore. At least I hope I didn’t. What it did do was recalibrate me mentally and physically. In many ways it was a wake-up call and I was astonished at how much I could change my thinking and behaviour in just a few days.

Thank you to everyone at Gwinganna for having me and being so nice even when I was a crabby sugar-deprived cow on the first day.

*FYI, I stayed at Gwinganna for free as their guest.

If you’re interested in checking out any of the Gwinganna programs, head to their website for a good look around….

Have you ever detoxed or been to a health retreat? Would you?