Alexa* writes…
We have two beautiful children, a little girl of 8 and a son of 5 who is starting school this year. My husband is pushing to have custody of the children every second week (from Friday to Friday).
I don’t want that, I think it would be very unsettling and unfair for the kids. I understand that he needs and deserves to see the kids but I am heading towards 4 days a fortnight.
This is so foreign to me, as I’ve grown up in a two parent household and I do not know anybody that has separated when they had young kids. I’ve read everything and spent hours on the internet trying to make sense of this mine field.
This is the worst bit about separation – the children and trying not to stuff up their lives
What is the right balance?”
There are few issues as fraught or emotional as this one. I know a couple of people going through this exact issue at the moment after seperating. In both cases, the fathers want shared custody. One week on, one week off. Or three days one week, four days the next.
But is that necessarily in the best interests of the kids? I’m genuinely interested to know because I don’t. Whether the primary carer is the mother or the father, my point is that surely it’s unsettling for kids to swap houses, room, rules and geography every few days or each week?
I’m fascinated to know of your experience either as a parent in such a situation or the child of divorced parents – how does/did your family do it?
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is he a dad did he help raise them and has he all ways been there.if all three answers are right then what the hell gives you the right to deciced what is best for them at the cost for him how about you give up and only see them for for days and be told that you trying to see them more is badfor them.that is way i say let the courts deccied
This is what I find confusing. My soon to be ex husband wants the same, but how is it fair to the kids? He does shift work and has a 9 day week. He's expecting the kids to stay with him on his days off, whichever those days might be. Moving in and out of houses, not knowing where they're going to end up one day to the next would be confusing and stressful for them wouldn't it? Yes they need to see their dad, and the door would always be open for him to stop in and spend the arvo with them, but when they have school the next day, have to be up at a certain time and in a certain frame of mind, I would think it was better for them to be in the one house, and able to count on knowing what to do and where they are doing it when they wake up. I understand that it is difficult for their dad, but picking and choosing from week to week when they'll be in another house and another bed is just wrong. It shouldn't be about what the dad wants, it should be about what's best for the kids, and that in my opinion would be the least amount of disruption possible and at least some sort of routine, especially during the week, on school days.
I understand that the swing work is confusing but I have a swing schedule gig and we split the custody 50/50. Fact is they would be around their dad on his off days if you were still together. The home thing is different, but if the kids have a bond with their father and the time he has with them is quality enough for them then the swapping homes is worth it. For me I coached my kids, ran their youth group and such. Both want to live with me, but the judge said he would not take the kids away from the mom and that I was lucky to get 50%. I think a bit of a double standard, but he gave me 50% so I will take it.
My parents divorced when I was 9 and my brother 7. Although we saw him, we didn't stay at our father's house for about a month as he set up his new home. During that time we were both very distressed not living with our father. I remember vividly our mother saying she wanted us to live with her and for us to stay with our dad every 2nd weekend. She said stuff like, "children usually live with the mother in a divorce" and my brother & I being absolutely outraged that just because she had given birth to us, it gave her more of a right to raise us. As though being a man made our dad less of a parent.
We eventually convinced Mum to share custody 50:50. Our dad lived 45 minutes away so it seemed unreasonable, but it hardly bothered us. Lots of other parents or teachers expressed concern (like, "what if you leave your homework at your mum's place?") but I can 100% guarantee you that any inconvenience was minimal to our stress of not living with our father as often as our mother. They were also concerned that there would be less routine and structure. There was an adjustment period of course but we just adopted new routines and structures.
I would strongly recommend that if you
are making a choice on custody, please consider your children more than own wants & desires. My brother & I spent a week with our dad & a week with our mum for 10 years until we moved out to go to uni, and never once wish we didn't. It would have been far more distruptive and damaging to us to only see our dad occassionsly. This way we were able to love and be with our parents equally, and for them to live with us and love us equally, as it should be
Thank you so much for this!!! This is just what I needed to hear at this moment! My husband and I are splitting and we have 3 boys ages 9, 11 and 13. My husband also wants shared custody and that's perfectly fine with me - I totally agree with him having the exact same rights and time with them as I do. I wouldn't want it any other way. I was just concerned with how hard it might be on the kids. You have just lightened my concerns in that matter quite a bit, so thank you again so much!
Hopefully you will still get this... I need to ask something. My husband and I are separating, he does shift work and has a 9 day week which means that his days off never fall on the same days. He wants to have the kids stay with him on his days off, whenever they might be. Do you think that would disrupt them too much? How could I handle it so they can do this and still have some sort of stability and routine? I think if it was week here week there it would be ok because they'd come to expect it, or same days every week, something regular that they could rely on and be ready for, but when they're all over the place?
I know this was ages ago that this was posted .... but 3 years down the track how did it all work out for you guys??