Check list: Are you a lady child?

by ROSIE WATERLAND

I realised something this afternoon. It was 4:30pm, and I was sitting on my bed in mismatched pyjamas eating cereal out of a Tupperware container because there was no clean bowls left. The mattress had no sheets because after finally washing them (two weeks ago), I was so exhausted I haven’t been able to bring myself to put them back on the bed since.

And as I looked over at my desk, where I have a Hello Kitty Pez dispenser collection in the place books would normally go, I realised: I am a lady-child.

Here is a list to prove it:

1. I’m 26 and not even close to interested in getting married, let alone having babies. That’s grown-up stuff. Ew.

2. I rent a tiny apartment with my BFF/flatmate, where the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs way more often than the news.

3. I still use the term ‘BFF’.

4. I don’t have a driver’s licence. As in, not even my Learner’s. Somehow the idea of concentrating on the road whilst also belting out Disney tunes seems like way too much responsibility.

5. I still listen to Disney tunes.

6. I taught my ten-year-old niece how to give cupcakes (not the baked kind).

7. When I heard a story about a friend of a friend who farts on her housemate’s loofah in the shower, I laughed for ten solid minutes.

8. I forget to flush toilets. Don’t ask me to explain this one, because I don’t understand it myself. I just forget to flush toilets.

9. I tell the dude at the bottle shop that Passion Pop is just a ‘cheap mixer for punch when I have people over’, but really it’s just a ‘cheap wine for my belly when I’m by myself’.

10. I still use the term ‘dude’.

11. And ‘belly’.

12. I have stuffed toys on my shelves.

13. Those toys have names.

14. My favourite meal is, and always will be, chicken nuggets with sweet chilli sauce followed by vanilla ice cream with Ice Magic.

15. I tell my flatmate that I ‘accidently’ fall asleep with the TV on, but really I just need a nightlight.

16. I’ve used the vacuum twice this year.

17. I complain that I can’t afford my phone bill, but I still manage to buy NW, Famous and Who every week.

18. When people refer to me using the word ‘woman’, I get the giggles.

19. I believe every claim about every mascara ever made.

20. I lied. I’ve only used the vacuum once this year.

See? I’m a lady-child. Admittedly, I’m trying to make it as a writer, which means I never have any money, ever. So that has a lot to do with it. Watching friends your age buy houses and actually shop for furniture (as opposed to finding it on the side of the road) when you’re eating noodles until payday does tend to affect your age-esteem. That kind of stuff I would love to be grown up about. Who wouldn’t want to save for an apartment and work full-time in a job they love? Unfortunately, a communications degree majoring in creative writing doesn’t exactly scream, “Hire me! I’d be incredibly useful to your organisation!” so until I start raking in some decent pay, I’m stuck with my current, mismatched plates from Kmart situation.

Hopefully one day soon I’ll be able to use my skills for something other than getting abused by old ladies trying to get through to the linen department. And hopefully then, my life will begin to take on a more adult shape.

I just hope when it does, I’ll continue to laugh at farts and add to my Hello Kitty collection. Because I think I’ll always be a lady-child. I like being a lady-child. I just need to tip the scales away from the ‘child’ part and more into the ‘lady’ part of the equation (and when I say ‘lady’, I mean ‘grown-up’, as I’m fairly certain real ladies would never laugh at farts).

Is anyone else really not where they thought they would be at this point in life? Please tell me I’m not the only lady-child out there!

Rosie Waterland is a writer based in Sydney. She finds her own jokes particularly hilarious. Follow her blog here or twitter here.

Do you feel like you are part adult, part child? What do you do that’s a little bit immature?