My Story: “My partner is a compulsive gambler”

Another day, another 1000 poker machine licences granted to clubs and pubs around Australia. But what’s the real-life cost of this to families in which someone can’t help themselves from gambling away everything they’ve got. And then borrowing money so they can gamble some more?

The federal government recently responded to Productivity Commission report by setting up a committee to evaluate the problem of gambling. Mamamia reader Fran*, after putting aside her outrage about the  weakness of that response,  offers us a moving insight into the day to day life of someone living with a gambler.  She writes:

“When my husband and I first met we were both a little wary. We both had children to previous relationships and we were very concerned about putting them through any more upheavals. We took a few months to get to know each other before we introduced our children into the mix. We were clear about the commitment that we required from someone who would become a part of our children’s lives; it fast tracked a lot of things you can take more slowly when you only have yourself to think about. We moved in together after about 8 months and then got married about a year later. I thought we had been very careful; it moved quickly, but we had, I thought, been very honest with each other, and I was sure we were going to be ok.

Then I found out that he had a gambling problem.

It was such a silly thing that gave it away, our names are very similar and I opened his bank statement by mistake, thinking it was mine.  I glanced through it and saw almost daily cash withdrawals at the local pokies venue. For a minute I thought someone had stolen my card. Then I checked again and realised it was his statement, and it was hundred, sometimes thousands of dollars every week.

That night was the first time I asked him a direct question about gambling and it was the first time he told me a direct lie in response. He looked right into my eyes and denied that it had ever happened. It felt like I was being eviscerated.   I showed him the bank statement and eventually he broke down and admitted that he had been gambling “a bit”.  He genuinely didn’t know how often or how much money was disappearing into the machines and was shocked when I showed him.  He cried, and begged me not to leave him, promised he would get some help and never do it again. I believed him and promised I would help him though it. I told him that we could get through anything together.

It was a terrible day, I felt so stupid.  It had clearly been going on the entire time we had been together and I didn’t have the slightest idea.  It wasn’t that I knew something was wrong and but just didn’t know what, or that I had a slight inkling about this being a problem and that’s why I opened the bank statement. I had absolutely no idea. Not a clue

So much of my life was a lie. My husband didn’t work late or take 2 hours to do the shopping or go and have a drink with his old work mate on a Thursday night or have a large investment portfolio (anymore) or go to watch the cable TV football matches at the pub. All those things were lies, he’d lied to me regularly, lovingly, irritably, DAILY. And I had no idea.

I hoped, at the time, to never have another day like that one, but of course I did. Many of them.

He would go weeks, sometimes months without it, and then it would start again. Once I knew what to look for I would usually pick up on it quite quickly, but he would angrily deny it when I asked him. Eventually he’d get caught and we’d go through all the tears and promises again.

No-one’s got the time for me to go through all times we replayed that pattern over the next few years. I did everything you’re not supposed to do. I was the money police, I issued ultimatums I didn’t mean, I colluded in hiding his problem from his family and friends, I paid bills he couldn’t pay, I didn’t argue with the long list of lame excuses about why he couldn’t make an appointment with a counsellor and I believed him when he told me that I could help fix him if I would just try harder to help. I lost respect for him and for me, and I had no idea how to put an end to it. It was exhausting. I felt so much anger, sometimes even disgust with what he was doing, when it looked like he was getting on top of it I would admire him for the strength that took, but after the second or third time I knew it would never last. Even when things were going well I was walking on eggshells, waiting for the late nights and the angry evasive excuses to start again. I felt so powerless, this horrible thing that kept happening in my lie was not something I could do anything about, I couldn’t work harder or try harder to make it stop, it would just happen and there was nothing I could do about it.

I used to know a woman whose husband was rampantly unfaithful. I felt pity for her, but I always thought that she chose to not know what he was doing and allowed him to treat her that way, so there was a bit of contempt there with the pity.  Then, when I felt like I turned into her, I was too ashamed of what I was doing, and what he was doing, to be able to talk to anyone about it. We colluded in hiding each other’s shame from the world.

After the third, maybe fourth time (I lose track trying to remember it all now) I started looking for more information about the addiction. There is a huge amount of very good stuff on the internet that helped me get past the basics – keep separate finances, don’t join him in the problem by hiding it or providing him with money when he’s “broke”, don’t think anyone else can fix his problem, don’t be overwhelmed by anger (that’s one was hard), don’t let his problem become yours (even harder). I did all that, but nothing I could do would fix his addiction, and as much as I tried to tell myself that the kids didn’t know about it and weren’t affected by it, I knew that wasn’t true, I couldn’t keep putting us through it any more

So I told him that he had to get some professional help and make real steps to beating it. Not just a token visit and then tell me that he’s all ok, or that the counsellor was no good so there was no point going back. I told him that I loved him, but I didn’t want to share his disease with him anymore, so if he couldn’t get well I would have to go. It was not the first time I had said it to him, but it was the first time I meant it, and I think he knew that.

The saddest thing about his problem was that he really did seem to want to be free of it. He grew to hate it almost as much as I did, but couldn’t seem to stop himself. I didn’t understand it, he knew what his problem was costing him, it wasn’t even physically addictive, but he just couldn’t stop. Even now I have trouble understanding it.

It took months of intense work with a very good psychologist, but he does appear to have mostly beaten it now. He’s not angry any more, and he has a lot more clarity about what his disease did to him. However, under the right circumstances, he will still go and throw $20 into the pokies. He says I shouldn’t worry, he has it under control and it will never get as bad as it was.  He is, for the first time, making the real, hard steps towards genuine change. The sad thing is that I think it might be too late. So much damage has been done, to me, to him, to our marriage. I honestly don’t know if we can put it back together, and I don’t know whether I would be a bigger fool to walk away now that it’s pretty much over, or stay and keep believing that he can beat his addiction.

I’ve heard all the arguments that politicians make about pokies, that mostly it’s just people having fun, but I went to have a look at the pokie place he goes to one day, trying to understand what it was that had such a hold on him.  I looked at all the grey, silent people pouring money into those horrible machines and imagined my tall, intelligent, handsome husband in there. Then I went home and threw up.  Whatever benefits clubs and state governments claim to get from them, it’s not worth the cost. Not even close to worth it.”

If you or someone you know are suffering from the effects of gambling please contact Gamblers Anonymous

Have you ever had or known someone who has a gambling problem?