UNPOPULAR OPINION: "I don't care about your wedding"

There are few things in life that are more boring than listening to a bride talk about the chairs at her wedding reception. Wait, there are some things more – or at least equally – boring. Let me list them:

1. Listening to a bride talk about napkins.

Ecru or beige? And what shape should they be folded? Is a fan too retro? Should they be placed next to the plate or on top of it?

2. Listening to a bride talk about invitations or fonts of any kind.

Who knew it was possible for a grown woman to have many long conversations about cost/benefit analysis of the weight of cardboard? It’s possible.

Seriously. I tuned out when you said ‘Euphoria Script’. 

3. Listening to a bride talk about seating plans.

And how she doesn’t want to have a singles table but all the tables need to have even numbers and if she puts two singles on a table with three other couples it will feel too much like she’s trying to set them up.

4. Listening to a bride talk about how she wants her bridesmaids hair to look.

And whether it’s unreasonable to ask her sister to lose the balayage so her hair looks more natural and timeless in the wedding photos instead of screaming 2014.

5. Listening to a bride talk about her wedding make-up.

Or, worse, her wedding make-up rehearsal.

6. Listening to a bride talk about bonbonierre.

And whether she should gift all her guests with a disc of the happy couple’s favourite music (hint: I don’t care about the song that was playing when you first made love and also yuck).

7. Listening to a bride debate the relative merits of reception venues.

And whether it’s worth trying to secure a discount by having the wedding on a Friday at 11am.

8. Listening to a bride angst over floral arrangements.

And how the centrepieces need to thematically tie in with the bridesmaids bouquets. Or do they?

9. Listening to a bride stress about how many bridesmaids she should have and who they should be.

Because even though it will be political if she doesn’t include her prospective sister-in-law, she’s just announced her pregnancy and that is really going to make it hard to go with the bridesmaids’ dresses she’s already picked.

I could go on.

First though, let me tell you a couple of things about myself, for context. I am married. I was married six years ago and my wedding was fine. Lovely. Fun party. But I wasn’t particularly obsessed with my own wedding so it’s not surprising that my tolerance for the obsessive interest shown by most brides in their weddings is admittedly low.

Please can we be honest: weddings are boring. Not the actual day. I like a wedding as much as the next person. I just don’t want to hear about the planning of the wedding or have to feign interest in any of the thousands of granular details that  it involves.

Because seriously, the only person interested in those intricate details is the bride. Maybe also her mother. Definitely not the groom or the guests, let alone those who aren’t even invited to the wedding. And yet I can’t tell you how many hundreds of conversations I’ve been roped into by self-obsessed brides who believe that everyone in her orbit is as deeply committed to establishing the best type of bridesmaids shoes as she is.

Nobody cares about that shit. Except…..nope, nobody.

Brides have always been self-obsessed, I know that. It’s her Day Of Days and she is the Centre Of The Universe. Fine, whatever. Happy for you. Just don’t inflict that mentality onto innocent by-standers in the months and weeks leading up to that day.

And always remember that your wedding is a bit like that dream you had last night. To you it’s fascinating but as soon as you say, “I had the weirdest dream…..”  watch the eyes around you glaze over. People would rather gnaw off their own arm than have to listen to you say, “I was at the beach except it wasn’t the beach it was like a post office and my old English teacher was there except she was on a camel and….”

And so it is with wedding details. I don’t care about comparative quotes you’re getting from four photographers and whether you should splurge for a separate videographer or…….Eyes And Ears Glazing Over Now.

I wish you well for your beautiful day. Have a great wedding and an even greater marriage. Just don’t tell me about it.