Is this the toughest thing a friendship can go through?

I was booked on a plane headed for London for a year abroad when I found out I was pregnant. Those two pink lines were something I had not counted on and meant I had to unpack my suitcase and set up life as an expectant mum. My friends went through all the emotions with me when I told them the news – shock, disbelief, confusion, and eventual acceptance – and were over joyed when I welcomed my son into the world.

In my friendship group, I was stepping into uncharted territory as the first of us to have a baby. But you know what? My friends were also stepping into unknown territories themselves. They were starting careers as doctors, lawyers and aid workers. They didn’t have any more of a clue as to what they were doing in their lives than I did in mine. My uncharted territory of having a baby was not special or unique.

I spoke to my friend Sarah about this time in our lives, and how she felt about our friendship when I had my baby. “A friend’s little human is incredibly fascinating. It’s true, I’ll never be as fascinated as a grandma but watching a friend have a baby is like watching a really mysterious documentary you can’t get enough of,” said Sarah.

Did she feel like I neglected her when my baby was born?  “I would say if anyone felt neglected by a friend who has a baby they should get therapy because they sound like selfish beasts. On the flip side, I suppose having a baby doesn’t give you a license to become a selfish beast either.”

Often the dialogue is about making exceptions for the new mum in a friendship, but I believe good friendships go both ways and Sarah agreed.

“Surely there is no faster path to hell on earth than a situation that commences with “but she should KNOW a) not to invite me to that thing in the evening, b) she should have called by this time, c) you shouldn’t stay more than two hours.”

If you’re the one with the baby, and your friend is not, there are things you can do to keep expectations in check and ensure your friendship prospers and doesn’t end up in the nappy bucket.

1. Your baby is the centre of YOUR world, not centre of THE world.

When that baby arrives the centre of your world shifts to this new soft and squidgy bundle of joy. Understandably. But it doesn’t become the center of everyone elses’ world. Don’t expect friends to want ongoing updates about sleep patterns and bowel movements. You need to understand that there is a limit that your friends will have to hearing about those kinds of details (and let’s face it, even other mother’s tire pretty quickly of those topics too.)

It’s a good idea to remember what is at the center of your friends’ world, and ask about that. Is it a boyfriend or husband, a job, a new penchant for baking bread from scratch? Whatever it is, ask about it. And the kicker – be genuine in your interest.

2. Everyone knows you went to space.

Have you seen the episode of The Big Bang Theory where Howard manages to turn every conversation around to the fact he went to space?

His friends have to stage an intervention. Don’t make your friends stage an intervention against you by turning every conversation back to you and your baby.  They saw your belly grow and the evidence is pretty plain to see. They get that you went to space.

3. Having a baby is not a noble pursuit.

You are no more important than your friends just because you have a baby. Sorry, but you’re not. Yes, having a baby is amazing and incredible and all of that stuff. But so are many of the things we do with our lives. The moment you think you’re better than your friends because you had a baby, your friendship is over. (And you also need a bit of a character adjustment, to be honest.)

4. Share the conversation.

When talking with friends, I treated the topic of my pregnancy and subsequent baby just as my friends treated the topic of their jobs. I didn’t dominate the conversations with rants about morning sickness or sleepless nights. Sure, I told them about it, complete with spectacularly described spew antidotes, but I just didn’t bombard them. Just as they didn’t bombard me with things I knew nothing about in their lives. When my med student friend talked about the stress and difficulty of her intern year, I sympathized earnestly as she described what she was going through (often with spectacular spew antidotes). Then we moved on to topics to something we mutually could talk about and enjoy.

5. Your friends get that it’s hard.

The fact that having a baby is hard work is not a new concept, and one your friends will be familiar with. No need to drive the point home. You know what else is hard? Being unemployed, relationship breakups, career decisions. You know, the stuff your friends are probably going through. Everyone’s life is hard sometimes, get over it.

6. Friendships change, and that’s okay.

“Having babies usually signals a pretty dramatic shift in your life – it seems like you can expect that different friendships that reflected a different phase of your life might fall away. That’s ok too. You’ll meet more lovely people,” said Sarah.

It’s okay if you are no longer able to drop everything for drinks with the girls, or even keep up with conversations all the time. It’s also okay if your friends don’t call as often, or don’t share your enthusiasm for your baby. Having the expectation that your friendship is inflexible and should stay the same is what is the problem.

Good friendships are not based on activities or performing the role of ‘friend’ but having a flexible and understanding relationship that is based on empathy. A friendship with this foundation will be fine because the people involved are mature and sincere. A baby will not change that.

Between wrangling two children and a neurotic cocker spaniel, Meaghan Cook is a freelance writer and photographer. It’s a juggle and often the balls drop, but she has the good sense to live by the ocean which always makes everything better. When she’s not working or kid wrangling or beach walking,  Meaghan blogs at http://www.meaghancook.com and can be found atwww.facebook.com/hellomeaghancook. 

Do you think it’s harder for people with children, and people without children, to be friends? Does the same apply for pregnancy?