Do not take the marriage advice of this Real Housewife.

By MAMAMIA TEAM

Melissa Gorga is a Real Housewife of New Jersey (not to be confused with those fake ones you run in to all the time when you’re visiting the US).

She and a bunch of co-stars have their very own, and much watched, American reality television show.

The show has an intricate plot line and comes from a complex genre but the long and short of it is this: Camera crews follow Melissa Gorga and other rich married women around while they do rich married women kind of things.

It’s inane but disturbingly watchable television.

And it’s made Melissa and her co-stars household names. The amount of Real Housewives merchandise you can buy online is enough to make McDonalds Happy Meal producers shake their heads.

Their fame has escalated so much that Melissa has now written a book. The book, entitled Love Italian Style (European. Classy) teaches its eager readers all the secret tips and tricks for maintaining a ‘hot and happy’ marriage.

In the book, Melissa talks about the importance of dressing to please your man, and always ‘aspiring to be eye candy for your husband’. She writes at length about how her husband calling her fat isn’t rude or inappropriate, it’s helpful! After all ‘honesty is always a compliment’.

Melissa extols the virtues of hiding your human-ness from your husband by never poo-ing in the same house as him, or at least not on any occasion where he might smell or overhear what you’re doing.

She also thinks it’s sweet and completely okay for husbands to demand that their wives not go to certain places, not see certain people and always be home by a particular time. This is about him being protective and YOU being respectful, girls.

And “After a fourteen-hour workday, if a man comes home and there’s no dinner on the table, and his wife is on the phone, watching TV, or on the computer ignoring him, he won’t feel respected.”

Oh.Also.

Melissa laughingly recounts this sage advice from The Man Himself, her husband Joe Gorga:

Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says “no,” turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.

Um. Well, actually.

That’s not so much ‘hot’ as it is rape.

But Melissa says there is – and we quote – ‘a difference between rapey and racy”. Here’s Melissa on her blog, defending her advice to women all over the globe that submitting to marital rape is for their own good:

First of all, it’s not meant to read literally. Joe would be in serious trouble if he tore my clothes! His point is that women like feeling taken — within the trust and safety of a mutually respectful relationship.

You know what? We’re going to keep this one simple. Instead of unpacking the intricacies of everything that is wrong with Melissa giving advice about marriage, we are going to provide this important public servant announcement.

Attention All Married People:

1. For men and women: Do not take the marriage advice of this Real Housewife.

2. For men: If a woman (your wife) declines to have intercourse with you, then you should respect her wishes, bugger off and leave her alone.

3. For women: If a man (your husband) insists on having intercourse with you against your wishes. You should call the police.

That is all.