That thing that happened when I signed up to a website for cheaters.

Well, that was a disturbing, yet entertaining, journey.

I came across an ad for an online dating service that helps people discreetly cheat on their partners.

THAT IS THE DISTURBING PART.

You might have already heard of them – the service is called ‘Ashley Madison’, and this ad makes me want to chew off my arm so I have something to throw at them:

In my young and single opinion, that is Geoff Edelsten levels of gross. But no judgement (pfft, so much judgement… Okay, okay I’m trying), because everything on the site is putting the sensual in consensual. It’s the wives and husbands at home that probably haven’t given permission, and that’s who I was chewing my arm off for.

Anyway, I thought I had better have a quick look, because… actually, I had no good reason except I was more curious than the proverbial cat.

So I went to sign up. The process told me it would take 30 seconds. But here’s the disturbing/funny part: It took me so long to find an available username that I had to name three random items on my desk and cram it into a word. You have to laugh, right? If only to stop from crying ‘this is what the world has come to’ tears? Let me show you:

To start with, I was thinking of what someone in this situation might write.

But clearly, that name was taken. So I tried some other saddish names.

But still no luck. Too many sad people on Ashley Madison, evidently.

Are you serious? Keep trying.

So I tried the longest word I know. Surely, that would work.

I was getting frustrated.

I’d kind of like to meet that guy.

That was an interesting response. No dirty names. Also surprising that I hadn’t tried one up until then. Maybe I’ll try a pseudonym.

Oh no! Not you, George! Don’t tell Amal. Or Prince Phillip:

GRAN! NOT YOU TOO! I was defeated.

So I named three random items on my desk. And finally, I had a username.

ApplePenRemoteControl is looking for a lover.

Turns out, the term ‘user’name is quite fitting, really. Everyone was looking to use each other. I was asked to fill in some preferences (e.g. Attached Male Seeking Females, etc), some specifics about my appearance (did you know that ‘zaftig’ means curvy? Huh.) and some other details, though I was told everything would be ‘discreet’.

Surprisingly, a lot of people have profile pictures showing their faces. Not surprisingly, a lot of them have profile pictures showing their genitals. Your profile can include all kinds of details and blurbs, and most of them are either saucy or sad. From there, you can private message other clients, or ‘send them a gift’… Call me prudish, but I wasn’t willing to find out what that meant.

Despite the giggles I had when trying to find a name, the whole thing is more than a little bit depressing. For every JabbaTheHut and ILoveMyWife online, there might be a happy wife or husband at home with no idea that their partner is being unfaithful. Shame on you, Ashley Madison.

Ladies, I don’t want you to suddenly feel paranoid that your husband is online, looking to cheat on you. But if he starts referring to himself in bed as ‘antidisestablismentarianism146’… then maybe ask a question or two.

Love,

ApplePenRemoteControl