We need to talk about man buns.

There’s an issue of national importance we need to urgently discuss.

It’s a threat to, our personal hygiene, the quality of our sex lives and our reputation as a stylish, sophisticated country, and it’s coming to our shores — fast.

No, it’s not the return of culottes to the high street, it’s not the fact we’re all playing Candy Crush on our iPhones now instead of canoodling before bed, and it’s not the humble Birkenstock.

It’s the man bun, and it needs to be stopped.

Now, I’m aware David Beckham had been rocking the man bun for some time, and I’ve noticed Jared Leto‘s messy, ombre bun gracing various red carpets over the years.

But I recently glimped a paparazzi photo of Chris Hemsworth in which the classically gorgeous Australian actor sported a teeny, beachy blonde bun at the nape of his neck — and I knew the distressing ‘do had finally migrated to the Southern hemisphere.

What’s more, the man bun is being hailed as the next edgy-but-about-to-become-mainstream trend. I know this because my most hipster friend declared the other day that “the ladies love it!” — and she accurately predicted the rise of the beard, circa 2011, and the rise of the ringmaster moustache, circa 2012, so she knows what’s up.

If this is true — that the ladies love the man bun, and it’s about to become THE HAIRDO of 2015 — let me lay down some #realtalk, ladies. Because I have dated men with man buns in the past and I can tell you, it is not pleasant.

Let’s face it: a lot of dudes are not overly interested in the personal hygiene thing. The guys I’m close to mostly clip their toenail maybe once every three months, and if you say the words “microbeads” or “coconut oil” in their presence, you’ll be met with a look that suggests you’d just asked them to yodel the theory of relativity, in Latin, to the tune of a David Bowie song.

Thus, keepers of man buns are generally not interested in maintaining the regular treatment/trim/wash/dry routine required to keep hair silken and fragrant.

So ladies, if you harboured some fantasy of running your fingers through some soft, musky, spice-scented golden locks next time you go home with a Christ Hemsworth-lookalike? You can squash that thought right now, because the tragic, stinky, greasy reality is more like a make-out session with Tom Hanks in the latter half of Castaway.

Also: there is no such thing as a “formal man bun” (are you listening, Mr Leto?)

Man buns are the follicular equivalent of rolling up to an important event in your unwashed, coffee-stained pyjama pants: They essentially give the finger to the host of the event (and to everyone else who’s squeezed themself into teeny clothes, and had a shave, and groomed to within an inch of their lives to honour the occasion.)

So while some guys who don a man bun may think their devil-may-care attitude to social norms — like trims and hair length and smelling nice — makes a statement, I find that statement is generally: I HAVE AN EGO.

Or maybe: I AM TRYING QUITE HARD.

Or perhaps: I’VE NOTICED LEO DICAPRIO WEARING HIS HAIR LIKE THIS AND I WOULD LIKE LOTS OF SEX WITH SUPERMODELS TOO, PLEASE.

Those sentiments are all, perhaps, fitting of 20-something-year-old Hollywood actors, or multi-millionaire sporting icons, or rock stars living in Brookyln. But for a regular Aussie guy, headed to work in a suit on a Monday and to a local pub on a Friday and just hoping to score a date with a nice girl?

Not a good look, and not a good move in the style, sex or hygiene stakes.

So, join me in my call to action, friends. It’s time to #StopTheManBun.

What do you think of the man bun? Love it or loathe it?