Rosie recaps The Bachelor Episode 2: KEIRA DOES NOT LIKE IT, OKAY?

Okay, before we do anything else, I need to acknowledge that last night, I did not mention that a Russian who carries around a Babushka took a bite of her rose at the rose ceremony. While I didn’t consider it on par with Kevin Rudd eating that gunk he picked out of his ear that one time, it was bizarre and random and probably did deserve a mention. I will not allow such an egregious oversight again. I am truly, deeply, sorry.

If you missed Rosie’s first recap of The Bachelor, click here.

And we are straight down to business tonight. Lots of dates means Oshie’s Hair has lots of pained smiling to do, and he needs to be back in the dungeon before midnight or that perfect chocolatey brown mane will begin sprouting bursts of grey.

We open on the Lady Prisoners in the Lady Prison casually hanging around in the kitchen being totally casual. They’re playing cards, which I’m sure is meant to look whimsy, but is really just a sad sign that their imprisonment allows them zero access to television and technology. Yay female empowerment! They’re talking about Dickie Bach and how they’re all already in love with Dickie Bach and I can’t help but think that if I was there my only contribution to the conversation would be this:

Quirky Eliza mentions that Dickie Bach called her ‘adorable’ after she sang that budget T-Swift song she wrote, and she thinks this means they’re meant to be together. Oh babe. The amount of times I’ve been called ‘adorable’ by dudes I liked. It’s code for, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings but you lack the general demeanour and sexiness that porn has taught me I deserve. So, no thanks.” You aint gonna be around long, Quirky Eliza.

Then, GEEZ WE GET IT CHANNEL TEN - you want us to know that Keira is the Sexy Villain this year. That vampy music you play whenever she comes onscreen has basically been taken from the life soundtrack of Cruella de Vil. Keira drops a predictably arrogant and perfect soundbite (she truly is a producer’s dream) about definitely being the one who is going to get the first date.

She does not get the first date. (Can she please just start chanting ‘BED’ again? I want her to do that every time she doesn’t get her way. In fact. I might just start doing it in life every time something annoys me. Like when my TV forces me to click on ‘Continue Watching’. What am I? YOUR SLAVE?)

Oshie drops off the first Date Card. His hair is obviously heavenly, but it will never reach the glorious level of Sun-In perfection that it was on Australian Idol:

Some Lady Prisoner who I swear to Oprah was not at the cocktail party last night opens the date card:

Let's add her to the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ pile.

Much squealing/who’s it going to be/the producers are making us stretch this 20 second moment into 5 minutes so we need to ask some more obvious questions…

Annnnnd its Nicki. I think she's Blonde Lady #6 or something.

Of course we get lots of shots of Keira looking unimpressed, because Keira is quickly shaping up to be the only interesting person on this show. Keira doesn’t like it.

She doesn't like it.

Then…

SHUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR. Dickie Bach picks up Nicki in a SWAG HELICOPTER WHAAAAAAT? Queen Sandra Sully - boss of Channel Ten and she who is in charge of all the funds - IS MAKIN’ IT RAAAAAIIIINNNN BITCHEZ:

YAS KWEEN

As Nicki gets ready for her date with Dickie Bach, all the girls cheer and squeal and congratulate her on being the only one who gets to go on a date their shared boyfriend, like it’s the most normal thing in the world, and in a bizarre cult-ish ritual, they all link arms and present her to Dickie Bach:

"We alllllll loooooove yoooooou Diiiiiickieeeee" *eye twitch*

There is obviously one hold-out in the polygamy celebrations. Keira doesn’t like it.

She doesn't like it.

“Obviously cheering on a girl who’s going on a date with a guy that you’re supposed to be dating… It’s not natural.” Um, you’re kind of too fucking right on that one, Keira.

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Nicki. Blonde. Aussie. Aussie blonde. Yep.

Private beach. Row boat. And OH MY GOSH -TWIST!- YOU GUYS THE CHAMPAGNE CORK FLIES OFF UNEXPECTEDLY LOLS!

Jesus. This is dull. Can the editors please cut back to Keira aga - YAY!

Back at the Lady Prison, The Group Date Card arrives. Much squealing ensues from the Lady Prisoners who made the cut. You guys, you’re not gonna believe this, but Keira, who did make the cut, doesn’t like it.

She doesn't like it.

Back on the single date. Ugh it's painful. We get our very first Magic Sex Couch of the season. Dickie Bach and Aussie Blonde #6 Nicki sit on it. Their conversation goes something like this:

“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
"Yeah!”
"Yeah.”
"Nah, yeah.”
"Yeah.”

Wow. They’re soulmates. They share the first kiss of the season. And that’s the end.

Such blonde. Very kiss. Much dull.

GROUP DATE TIME!

The traditional first group date of The Bachelor is always, always, a photoshoot for Woman’s Day, because it’s imperative to weed out the non-photogenic uggoes from the ladies who can be on covers with Dickie Bach when they walk the Logies red carpet.

And, OMG THIS COULD NOT BE MORE PERFECT. The theme of the photoshoot is ‘Repressed 1950s women, just like you guys now!’ 'Post-war 1950s Happy Days!'

Cue lots of Villain music cut over shots of Keira not liking it.

She doesn't like it.

Dickie Bach nicknames one of the girls ‘spud’, which she's not thrilled about. I get it. I may have been called that in bed once.

Keira gets psyched out on her photo shoot by the Russian Rose Eater. She doesn’t like it.

She doesn't like it.

Alex The Innocent Young Mum gets a special photo shoot by herself, and of course we cut between shots of Alex looking innocent and Villain Keira looking mean and villainous.

SECOND SINGLE DATE TIME! (Because Masterchef is over and we have some time to fill.)

Olena (?) (Speaks Ukrainian? That one?) is picked for a date that involves looking at Dickie Bach while he wears a leather jacket. Keira doesn’t like it.

She doesn't like it.

They ride on a motorbike to a Magic Sex Couch in the bush, then he takes her to the Dickie Bach Pad and keeps talking about how he loves her body ‘quiet confidence’. Then he gives her a really creepy gift of hideous red lingerie that he has mistaken for a dress. He expects her to wear it to the cocktail party. She puts it on immediately. He really likes her quiet confidence in it.

She'll defs look really quietly confident in that.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

All the Lady Prisoners are devo that Dickie Bach dressed Olena in lingerie and gave her a rose. Lots of very, very DRAMATIC MUSIC attempts to create the illusion of DRAMAAH where there is none. Then, just when it seems like we’ll spend the next ten minutes watching Keira say she doesn’t like things while villainous violin plays… INNOCENT YOUNG MUM ALEX WHIPS OUT THE SECRET SEX ROOM WHITE ROSE!

I wanna see the Secret Sex Room!

Oh. It’s just a Magic Sex Couch on a balcony. Boooooooooo.

It’s far enough away that Keira can’t throw things at it. But that's it. AND WTF THEY DON’T EVEN TOUCH EACH OTHER’S SPECIAL PLACES THEY JUST TALK ABOUT SOME KIND OF SPORTING-BASED TEAMS THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Oh, and like, her son or whatever.

Keira obviously doesn’t like it.

She doesn't like it.

She then reaches peak level of “I don’t like it” madness. She starts babbling nonsensically, peppered with swear words. She kind of sounds like me when I get drunk and text dudes.

Villain Keira and Innocent Young Mum Alex have a fight about Alex using her Secret Sex Room White Rose. Nothing of sense is really said by either party.

"TIME IS OF ESSENCE."

"I’M NOT OF AT ALL CARING."

The music reaches an intense crescendo. Lots of shots of the other girls looking like they’re about to cry to add to the DRAMAAAH:

"Our very worried faces demonstrate that this is a very dramatic moment."

"I’m not involved in this but if I look stressed out maybe I’ll get some screen time."

Then Innocent Young Mum Alex walks off.

Keira says she doesn’t trust her.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how you edit the crap out of nothing. Emotionally, I kind of feel like someone just flipped a table, even though NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED. That takes skills, Channel Ten. Well done.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Blonde Lady #6 (Aussie Blonde Edition) and Blonde Lady #4 (Sultry Edition) both have roses:

They both have really, really nice... Quiet confidence.

Oshie’s Hair crunches the numbers. Two Lady Prisoners will be set free tonight. Which types of Blonde Lady will go?

HEAVEN YES PRAISE OPRAH KEIRA STAYS. More manufactured dramaaah to come.

Two girls who I’ve literally never seen before get booted. Oshie tells them that they are the unlovable losers, while Dickie Bach does his best to look totes sad:

"If only they'd had more quiet confidence."

I have to say, the biggest tragedy tonight is that we did not see Bacon Girl at ALL. Is she even still there? WHERE ARE YOU BACON GIRL? Here’s a little reminder, just to warm your hearts/special places:

COMING UP!

A montage of Dickie Bach kissing ERRRRR-ONE. Seriously. This dude kisses everyone. I think there was even a shot of him kissing me in there. Looks like Dickie Bach likes making out with the Lady Prisoners. And Keira doesn’t like it.

She doesn't like it.

Until next week!

Rosie Waterland is a writer and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. Or, buy her critically acclaimed, nationally bestselling book (no biggie), The Anti Cool Girl, right here.

Alex uses her white rose, much to the dissatisfaction of Kiera...

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