Got a vagina? You're doing it wrong.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Attention anyone reading this who has a vagina: You’re doing it wrong.

Have you been sucked in by doctors and their crazy lies about the vagina being a ‘self-cleaning’ organ? Shame on you! Don’t you know that lady-parts are icky and smell gross and nobody will ever want to have sex with with you unless you buy all the necessary products?  Now get a to a supermarket quick smart and stock up on some of these lady-sentials:

1. Deodorant

Can’t stand the natural smell of your vagina? Good – there’s plenty of products for that. Why smell ‘icky’ and ‘fishy’ when you can smell ‘fresh’ and like ‘tropical rain’? Sarah Silverman tried to discourage the vag-deoderant movement with this Public Service Announcement:

But obviously she hasn’t seen all the commercials that explain if your special place doesn’t smell like delicate water that’s dripped off a rose petal into a lily pad, you’re doing it wrong.

2. Crotch Sweat Liners

How you dare to sweat when you’re working out? I don’t care what MM’s fitness blogger Nat said in her recent post here, sweating is clearly not natural and we are so lucky that companies make products to stop it from happening.

3. Baby Wipes ‘Fresh’ and ‘Sexy’ Wipes

Have you been having sex without first running to the bathroom to wipe yourself with a moist, garden-scented, KFC-style towelette? You’re doing it wrong. Forget contraception – wiping down with an adult baby-wipe is the only thing you should be thinking about in the moments before getting lucky.

4. Douches

Obviously, your vagina is extremely disgusting and in constant need of thorough cleaning (with pleasantly scented wash inserted via a tube, natch). Women who DON’T douche must have cobwebs up there or something. And who cares about the vaginal irritation and bacterial vaginosis – that’s a small price to pay for a freshly-douched vag.  If you’re not buying this product, you’re doing it wrong.

4. Vagina bleacher

WHAT? Your vagina isn’t WHITE? Do I even need to say it? You’re doing it wrong. Just like this girl:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9Tx9vVVMWw0

5. Vagina-Cooling underwear

Does your body regulate its own temperature? That’s weird, man. Why allow your body to keep your vagina from spontaneously combusting when you can wear undies that use skin-regulating technology from NASA. NASA!

6. Vagina Mints

You expect anyone to want to go down on you without a mint inserted into your vagina?

EWWWW.

That is so selfish. If someone is prepared to navigate their way through the fishy, mysterious cesspool that is your lady-bits, the least you could do is stick a Fisherman’s Friend up there first.

It’s just good manners.