Rosie Recaps The Bachelor Episode 9: Guess which girl just stormed out during the rose ceremony?

Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here.

We open on the girls in the Girl Prison this week, and there’s some very serious and ominous-sounding music playing in the background, so we know that this is going to be an episode with SAH MUCH DRAMAAA. Seriously though, it had better be. I’m getting sick of this ‘building up to a BIG THING which actually not even close to being a thing’ game they’ve been playing with us this year. CAST SOME TABLE-FLIPPERS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Oshie’s Hair arrives with the single date card, which goes to Bec, which means she’s definitely going home because the ads all week have been saying that the girl who goes on the single date tonight gets sent home. So she’s basically heading into a single DATE OF DOOM. At least she’ll look pretty and make her parents real proud though, right?

Single date time!

YES OMG YES FINALLY THANK OPRAH A HELICOPTER!

Queen of Channel Ten Sandra Sully must have finally loosened the budget strings, so Bachie Wood can do some of his essential travel via air. I know a lot has been invested in upgrading Oshie’s hairspray machine this year, but there has been a serious fucking lack of unnecessarily expensive glamour travel this year, and I’ve not been impressed. This helicopter ride is but a small step on the way to redemption. And they had damn well better travel home on the Queen Mary.

Ugh. They go to an indoor skydiving place and there’s much “Oh how fun! Look at the fun we’re having! Oh I’m upside down this is so fun! etc etc etc blah blah blah.

Cut back to the Girl Prison, and villainous music is played as we focus on Emily because the producers are reeeeally desperate for us to understand that she has been cast as this season’s NASTY VILLAIN BITCH and we should treat her as such. She doesn’t do herself any favours by constantly acting nasty, but the music certainly plays an integral role. She says something bitchy about Nina, which is all the time the producers need to remind us that she is the NASTY VILLAIN, so we cut back to the single date with Bec.

Bachie Wood takes Bec to today’s magic sex couch to talk about feelings. It should be noted that Bec has had a completely unexplained mid-date outfit change, keeping up with this date’s trend of SPLASHING THE CASH MONEY AROUND.

Bec is so inept at human interaction that she’s brought prompt cards with questions on them to try and make a completely natural conversation happen. Bachie Wood answers the first question by launching into a speech about how he’s just not that into her.

He keeps hoping she’ll get the hint. She doesn’t. She just wants to keep playing her ‘This is how you conversate’ card game. WHERE IS OSHIE WHEN YOU NEED HIM TO BREAK UP WITH ONE OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS? Arrrggghhh this so painful.

Eventually Bachie Wood just gives it to her straight: he likes her, but feels she’s ‘too guarded’ to fall in love with after a few dates on a TV show. That outrageous flaw is the reason she must go. Just like he did with Jacinda, he pulls the whole “I’m telling you this now rather than at the rose ceremony, because I want to spare your feelings” thing, even though by telling her this now he’s made it an epic scene in the show and therefore guarantees her a much more memorable and undignified exit.

He walks her down a rose-lined path, where there is – of course – a sleek, modern and powerful NISSAN waiting to take her away immediately. How thoughtful of Bachie Wood to take someone on a date, have heaps of fun, then say “oh by the way, your stuff’s in the back of that glorious NISSAN and I hope I never see you again. kthxbyeeee!”

We then get a brilliant, sleek as SHIT montage of Bec crying in the back of the sexy-yet-fast NISSAN, cut with lots of ariel shots of the NISSAN navigating the road effortlessly with style and ease:

And now, because this whole thing has definitely been about ‘sparing Bec’s feelings’ and not at all about filling the first half of this episode with SAH MUCH DRAMAAA, Bachie Wood comes to the Girl Prison to personally break the news that Bec is a massive loser who is currently being driven home in what is clearly Australia’s favourite car. *cough #NissanForRosie cough*

Much “Omg! I can’t believe it! How could this have happened!” ensues. All the girls seem to agree though, that Bachie Wood is such a good guy for taking one of their sister girlfriends on a romantic date before telling her “Lol NUP” and shoving her into the back of a waiting car. #SoThoughtful

Missed a recap? Catch up here.

Episode 8

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1

The next morning, Bachie Wood surprises the girls by turning up first thing in the morning to make them breakfast. He says it has something to do with him looking for a ‘real woman’, which obviously means he wants to check if any of them look like total hag monsters without make-up on. He makes them pancakes, and mentions how romantic it is to be sitting at a table with six girlfriends, five of whom he’ll reject when he figures out which one he wants to engulf his Bachie Peen for eternity:

Second single date time!

Okay. I spoke too soon with the helicopter thing. Channel Ten must have totally blown the budget on that break-up Date of Doom, because on this date, Sarah is schlepping herself to meet Bachie Wood in a fucking water taxi. Was being picked up in a catamaran TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?

And oh my glob, it gets better. Sarah arrives at her magical destination, which is a shed with a table next to it:

Okay, seriously you guys, I’m worried. Where has all the money gone this season?!? Sarah is super honoured though, because the shed is like, totally out the back of Bachie Wood’s house, and being that close to his house means she must, like, really be into her.

And oh holy Oprah I actually can’t take this. The pov date continues. Bachie Wood tells Sarah that he knows she like wineries, which calmed me down for a second. I thought, “Well, okay. This is obviously just a pitt stop before a sea plane picks them up and flies them to some fancy-arse estate. ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD WHEN POINTLESS MONEY IS BEING SPENT ON THE BACHELOR.”

But no. The producers have decided that the winery will be a special ‘Shed Winery’, which means they basically just put some vines on the side of the shed and plonked some bottles of wine on a table:

Guess what you guys? I have a plant at my house and I’ve currently got some wine in the fridge, so by Bachie laws I live at a winery! Take that everyone who thought I’d never amount to anything!

After the ‘wine-tasting’ because it was defintiely a legitimate winery, Bachie Wood takes Sarah to the Magic Sex Couch, which has been romantically dumped on some grass in front of a rock. “You just get me,” says Sarah. They kiss. She gets a rose. Probably has to hitchhike home.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Woop, there’s that NASTY VILLAIN music again, which means… Yep! There’s Emily doing something NASTY and VILLAINOUS. She’s talking about all the girls who she thinks should go home, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact a producer off camera just asked her to talk about all the girls who she thinks should go home. She says she’s certain she’ll make it to the top two, and now I’m certain that this whole episode has been crafted to build up to a major Emily downfall and she is definitely not lasting the night.

The nasty villain music stops playing and romantic music starts playing, so we know we can stop being mad at Emily for now, because the music told us so.

STOP EVERYTHING OSHIE JUST WALKED IN AND HE’S WEARING A GLORIOUS BROWN SUIT THAT MATCHES HIS HAIR AND MY BODY JUST EXPLODED IN PLEASURE:

I finally understand why Sarah had to go on a budget date: THE SUIT BUDGET TRUMPS ALL. Sorry Sarah, but your fake winery shed date was worth it to see that heavenly piece of tailoring on Oshie’s manly frame.

Oh my gosh that was so much excitement I almost don’t even care that Oshie is there to tell Bachie Wood that INTRUDERS are coming. Bachie Wood meets them both on the romantic front lawn.

Intruder One:

Lana or something. Has brown hair, does yoga and is wearing a sparkly black dress, so basically just Heather 2.0. Heather 2.0 meets Bachie Wood but nobody cares about that because all anybody wants to see is the girls freak the fuck out when an intruder comes in. And it looks like, at first, that the girls will deliver in the crazy stakes:

The producers must have been thrilled. But, then the girls refuse to take one for the entertainment team, and they just act polite and lovely and welcoming of their new fellow prisoner/sister girlfriend. The producers must be pissed OFF that someone didn’t flip a table. But, there’s always the next girl…

Intruder Two:

Rachel. She’s a food blogger, which we know because she walks around holding a laptop. That’s all there is to Rachel.

After their initial romantic front lawn meetings, Bachie Wood takes each intruder aside for a chat during the party, and just like in the first episode, one intruder (Heather 2.0) gets the romantic music played during her chat, while the other intruder (Rachel) gets the equivalent of someone blowing into a bottle. And with that clever piece of musical editing, we have been instructed who to take seriously and who to put on the reject pile.

Bachie Wood then pulls Emily aside for a chat, and after the pains Channel Ten has gone to in this episode to make sure everyone hates her by this point, you just know this chat is going to involve some major schadenfreude. The NASTY VILLAIN is going down.

She asks Bachie Wood what he thinks of her, to which he pretty much replies that she’s really beautiful but he thinks that’s all she has to offer. She hits back by something bitchy about Nina, and Bachie Wood tells her in the most polite way possible that he thinks she’s bitchy as SHIT.

Yep, this episode was alllll about setting Emily up for a massive fall. She looks confused. Her beauty has meant that no man has ever given a crap about her personality, and to now be rejected on the basis of that personality is short-circuiting her brain. “But… I’m HOT AS SHIT” her eyes seem to be screaming. The conversation ends. She is not pleased.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

Obviously, after all the NASTY VILLAIN music and bitching sessions about Nina, this rose ceremony was always going to come down to Emily and Nina. And, rather than accept that her looks aren’t enough to get her through, rather than be rejected by a man for the first time in her life, EMILY BAILS.

She walks off before Bachie Wood has a chance to give out the final rose. Bachie Wood doesn’t follow her, and gives the rose to Nina, which he says he was going to do whether Emily stormed off or not. But that doesn’t matter to Emily, who now, the self-confidence GENIUS that she is, can always tell herself that if she hadn’t walked out, he definitely would have given her the rose.

Man, it takes an epic level of denial to have that much faith in yourself. I wish I had that kind of overzealous self-esteem. Delusion is a powerful thing. Well played, girl. Well played.

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s coming out soon. Pre-order it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

 

Listen to the No Filter podcast that everybody’s been talking about – An interview with Rosie Waterland by Mia Freedman:

Missed a recap? Catch up here.

Episode 8

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1