It's here: This week's Real Housewives of Melbourne recap. And it's a doozy.

So little happens in this week’s episode that I don’t even know where to begin. Basically, half the ladies are in Thredbo and the other half stay in Melbourne. DRAMA.

Jackie, Andrea and Lydia are the ones at the snow. They’re staying at Lydia’s place in Threbo because Lydia is really rich and she has a place in Thredbo. Because she’s really rich. Money.

We open on Jackie packing for the trip. It’s the usual deal – she tries her hardest to be funny and outrageous while International Rock Star Ben Gillies is permitted to watch and occasionally interject from a nearby perch.

Cut to Andrea’s place, where she’s packing for the trip while her husband Chris and daughter Potplant look on. Once again, cementing his reputation as the show’s resident party animal, Chris says that Andrea being gone means life will be like a ‘bachelor party’ – with lemonade and chips and everything.

Andrea and Jackie drive to Thredbo, which is disappointing because I really wanted to see them get drunk in Lydia’s ‘jet’, (which, let’s be honest, is actually just a really tiny plane that nobody would ever call a jet. But still, how many people have their own plane? You have to have a lot of money to have a plane you know. Money.)

At Lydia’s Thredbo place. The women talk about money. Something about antique dutch bottles. Money money etc etc money. Jackie tries to force a new catchphrase into every second sentence – the girl is really gunning to be more famous than her husband, International Rock Star Ben Gillies. Someone needs to explain to her that by being on TV after the 90s, she already is.

Now we cut to the three rejects who didn’t get invited to Thredbo – Janet, Chyka and Gina.

Janet is going on her first date since her divorce, so the producers booked she booked a very fancy hotel room to get ready in.

Chyka and Gina are coming ‘to help’ her get dressed in the hopes it will fill their screen-time quota for the week after they got rejected from the Thredbo roadtrip.

Janet’s date is a 35-year-old, which is 20 years younger than her. Go Janet. They talk about relationships for a while. That’s pretty much it. Oh god, get us out of here.

Back to Thredbo, the conversation about money seems to have gained momentum – now Lydia is taking the girls through all the outfits her hubby has bought her for specific ski lodges. Because obviously every ski lodge needs a specific outfit. Money.

We then literally spend five minutes watching the women try on ski outfits. Jackie continues desperately trying out new catchphrases because she’s outrageous you guys! SO OUTRAGEOUS HAHAHAHAHA *eyetwitch*!

Once they’ve tried on enough clothes, we head to dinner, where the conversation immediately turns to rehashing the whole Gina/Jackie saga. It’s so overdone now that I can’t even be bothered explaining it but basically Gina and Jackie hate each other because Jackie is a psychic who says she saw Gina’s dead grandma and Gina doesn’t believe her. Then they had a big fight at Jackie’s housewarming last week in which they continued to hate on each other. The end.

Not a lot happens at dinner, until the ladies get drunk and start bitching about Gina’s appearance, which is all very Mean Girls-esqe and horrible. And not even clever, really: She wears too much make-up HAHAHAHAHAHA!

She dresses funny HAHAHAHAHA! Her favourite movie is probably Pricilla Queen of the Desert HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wow, rich drunk ladies be nasty.

Jackie points out that Gina is very ‘centric’. I think the angels forgot to tell her about the extra ‘ec’ at the start of that word.

Okay, cut to Janet’s cougar date (which she’s calling her ‘sabre-tooth tiger date’ because she’s so old and now I love her).

Her date Marty does look young though. Like, he’s still young and misguided enough to be wearing a piece of leather as a necklace instead of a tie. But still, 20 year age gap? Go Janet go.

Nothing’s really happening, so the producers send Chyka and Gina down to the restaurant to spy on the age-appropriate couple. Nothing continues to happen, as they just sit there giggling.

Until…. OMFG. Janet totally just put the moves on 20-year-old ugly leather necklace-wearing Marty and invited him back to her room. I LOVE JANET. “Is that an invitation?” he awkwardly asks. Um, yes, Marty, that’s an invitation. Now get the fuck together – you’re dealing with a woman here.

In an attempt to create… scandal? Chyka and Gina interrupt the date to say hi. It’s not really a scandal. It’s more like a ‘sca’. Can they please piss off so Janet can continue being glorious with this dude? OMG. She kisses him. She just goes for gold. Janet is epic.

We cut back to Thredbo so Janet and unfortunate leather necklace-wearing Marty can have sexy-times in private.

It’s a new day, and the girls are skiing, which is basically just five minutes of this: “OMG we’re so bad! Falling over hahahahaha SNOW SHENANIGANS! Jackie just said something CRAZY HAHAHAHA!” etc etc etc.

Andrea says something about designer ski gear making her ski better, and now that this scene has had it’s obnoxious mention of money, we can cut back to Melbourne.

It’s the day after the big date and Gina and Chyka go to Janet’s hotel to try and catch leather necklace Marty in a walk of shame. They don’t, because Janet kicked him out before the housekeeper came because she’s a freaking lady. She would like to see him again, but he’s not marriage material. WINK WINK NAUGHTY WINK. Sex. She’s talking about sex.

Back at Thredbo, the middle-aged Mean Girls decide they’ll call the women in Melbourne to say something mean. Jackie kicks it off by trying out her 75th catchphrase of the show. It’s ‘ballso’, which is her way of saying ‘boring’ because using the word ‘boring’ to say ‘boring’ is such a ballso way of saying boring. Keep plugging away at it Jacks, you’ll get there.

Janet gives the group phone call an actual purpose by inviting all the women to her birthday party next week.

Apparently it’s at a gay club and there’ll be ‘lots of drag queens’, which of course causes Lydia to say under her breath “including Gina?” which in turn causes the Thredbo Mean Girls to erupt into hysterical laughter.

Not classy. I don’t understand why these women don’t just throw tables like other Real Housewives.

Back in Melbourne, Janet and Gina talk AGAIN about the whole Gina/Jackie fight. Blah blah blah that wasn’t my grandma it was demon blah blah.

It goes on like that until Gina starts talking about her cancer recovery and says the most epic line of the episode and possibly of all time. When the doctor told her she had cancer, Gina said:

“I don’t think so. I’m telling you right now, this body is not playing host to that invasion. Get it out. TODAY.”

Bitch be FIERCE. Love her. Andrea, Lydia and Jackie can make fun all they want – Gina aint got time for that giggly shit.

We need to end the episode on something ridiculous, so we cut back to Thredbo, where Lydia and Andrea are talking about the difficulty of raising well-rounded kids when you’re so mega wealthy. Andrea says she’s not worried about PotPlant/Sandbox/Buster because she makes them scrape possum poo off the tennis court for pocket money.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go ahead and say that any chores involving the family tennis court don’t count.

Until next week….

Follow @RosieWaterland

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs Sunday nights on Arena at 8:30pm. Catch up on past recaps here:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

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