ASK ROSIE: All your relationship questions answered.

Welcome to ‘Ask Rosie’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with all of your love and relationship dilemmas (including but not limited to eyebrow crabs).

I’m 28 whole years of age, so I’m fairly certain I know everything and will be able to give you ridiculously useful advice.

Consider it my selfless Oprah-style gift to humanity. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche. You’re welcome.

Let’s get into it:

Dear Rosie,

I recently got half-back with an ex-boyfriend of mine and it’s amazing. We get together when we both have time on the weekends, but don’t really talk over text or phone when we aren’t together.

The catch is, however, that both of us are moving overseas in the coming months (to different continents) and I have just realised that I have completely fallen for him again. I can see us having a really great future together, but I feel like as a young woman in her early 20s, there is a lot of foreign peen left to slay, and I also don’t want to be in a long distance relationship, nor do I want that for him.

My question for you is, how do you think I should explain my feelings to him? Is there a way to appropriately ask someone to be your partner in advance? Like putting a reservation in at a restaurant?

Much love!

Anon

So, Anon, let me see if I’ve got this straight: You would like to date this seemingly lovely gentleman, but you would also like to, as you so delicately put it, ‘slay’ a whole bunch of foreign peen.

That really is a bit of a pickle, isn’t it?

First of all, I need to admit that I’m the furthest thing from a cool kid, so I have no idea what ‘slaying’ a peen involves. Is it a fancy sex move that all the #youngpeeps are doing these days? Should I be slaying my boyfriend’s penis? Have I done it without realising? (Unless it involves me star-fishing it during missionary, I don’t think I have.)  How does one ‘slay’ a peen? Is there some kind of sex weapon involved? Will I have to shave my legs?

I’m going to assume it’s some kind of sex thing. And if it’s anything like what happens when I slay a pizza, it’s probably frightening.

Anyway, let’s get down to business. As much as you might like to, you can’t really lay-by a person while you go off and do other things. You just can’t call ‘dibs’ on a human man. If you could, I’d be coming up on my 20-year anniversary with that boy who played the human Casper at the end of that movie Casper. And it wouldn’t even bother him that I don’t know how to slay his wang.

Imagine if the situation was reversed, and this boy you’ve fallen for came to you and said, “Hey, Anon, I really like you and would like to be with you, but can we put a pin in it for 18 months while I go and decimate some foreign vagina? Thanks, bae.”

If someone said that to me I would probably slay their face. And not in the cool-kid sex way that I don’t understand.

I imagine you wouldn’t really appreciate being put on lay-by either, so you can’t expect him to put up with that from you. And the thing is, if you actually, definitely, for-realsies had fallen for this guy, you wouldn’t want to wait. You wouldn’t want to put him on lay-by and you wouldn’t want to slay lots of other penises. That may be the romantic in me talking, but I’ve watched Grease 2 enough times to know that you can’t control the human heart. When Michelle Pfieffer fell in love with that guy on the motorbike, she just couldn’t wait.

But, if you think my Grease 2 love-philosophy is incorrect, and you insist that there are actual feels between you and this guy, then you need to decide if you’re willing to take a gamble. It’s all to do with that saying that I can’t remember the exact wording of:

If you love something, set it free. Something something if it comes back then something profound something.

Basically, you need to decide if you’re willing to change your plans a little bit and lock this guy down now, or keep things the way they are and hope that he doesn’t fall in love with one of the Eastern European women bound to be slaying his peen in the next few months.

You can’t lay-by him. So you either take him now, or let him go. Those are your options.

But, leaving all that aside, I’m still not convinced of your love anyway. You say you only hang out when you have time on weekends, and you don’t contact each other outside of that romantic schedule. That’s weird, man. If you were into each other, there’d at least be some flirty texts in between sex-sessions. How can you want to lay-by someone that you don’t even text?

This whole thing may not even be as good as you think it will be. For example, when I was 13, I cried for about 6 hours straight until my mum bought me a Furby. I knew we were meant to be together. I imagined us holding hands and going for adventures together and speaking a secret language that only we and the people who wrote the instructional manual could understand. But then I got the Furby, and it was just a weird, B-grade gremlin who I became convinced was possessed by Satan. All it did was roll its eyes back in its head and yell at me. After two days I wanted to smash its face. The dream was dead.

So I think my advice here is more than clear: You can’t lay-by humans, and you don’t want to rush into something which leaves you stuck with a possessed Furby.

NAILED IT.

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Want to read more of Rosie’s invaluable advice? Check out past ‘Ask Rosie’columns here:

On how to get over 30 women #dirtystreetpie

On going after love and making out with dolls.

On putting up with friend’s baby photos.

On unfriending parents on Facebook

On eyebrow crabs. (Don’t pretend like you don’t want to click on this one the most.)