ASK ROSIE: All your relationship questions answered.

Welcome to ‘Ask Rosie’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with all of your love and relationship dilemmas (including but not limited to eyebrow crabs).

I’m 28 whole years of age, so I’m fairly certain I know everything and will be able to give you ridiculously useful advice.

Consider it my selfless Oprah-style gift to humanity. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche. You’re welcome.

Let’s get into it:

Dear Rosie,

I’m in a situation that my brain is struggling to compute. I really, really hope you can help me.

I recently found myself dating 30 incredible women. All of them were beautiful and all of them were obsessed with me. Plus, they lived in the same house, so it was really easy for me to remember where to find them.

Unfortunately, because of cruel and spiteful forces that were out of my control, I was forced to break up with each of these women, until there was only one left. ONE.

Now, I’m a good guy, so I tried to make a go of it with her. I even proposed, because that’s obviously what you do when you aren’t sure how you feel about someone. But when it came down to it, I just couldn’t force myself to be happy with one lady when I know what it’s like to have 30.

It was so unfair, and I didn’t want to pretend anymore. So I called off the engagement.

People are saying I’m a jackass. An arsehole. A Dirty Street Pie. But don’t they understand how hard this was for me? Why don’t people realise that I’m the one with a broken heart here?

So my question Rosie, is this: Am I missing something? What’s wrong with with having so much love in your heart, that you need to share it with more than one woman? Have I done something wrong?

Please make me feel better about this, Rosie.

Love (because I’ve never met a woman I didn’t),

Very Muscly Entrepreneur

Oh my glob. It looks like you’ve got yourself into a pretty tight spot Very Muscly Entrepreneur (I appreciate that you’ve given yourself a clever pseudonym, but this is my advice column and I quite liked that genius ‘Dirty Street Pie’ moniker, so I think I’m going to go with that).

So, Dirty Street Pie, first of all, I feel like it’s important I admit this:

I have absolutely no sympathy for your situation. Zero. You are a knobcloud and you need to accept that.

I’m speaking from experience: Once, at Paige Jackson’s Year 6 Farewell Pool Party, I had two boys tell me they loved me. I probably could have pashed them both; I was pretty much that shit-hot at the time. Both of them tried to cop a feel through my Kmart one-piece, so I don’t have to tell you there was definitely interest there. I’m sure you know what it’s like.

But, I knew it was wrong to keep them both. So I did the noble thing – I picked the boy who had brought a private stash of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles to the party, and pretended to like him until there were none left. It was a difficult choice, but I made it. Because even at 12 years of age, I could sense that polygamy was probably wrong.

Now, you have obviously chosen to go a different route. And although I don’t agree with the premise of dating 30 women at once, I can appreciate that this is the only way you can ever see yourself being happy. And I’m not about taking away people’s happiness. This is a friendly advice column, not my mum’s house during a boxed-wine shortage. 

So, you have a decision to make, Dirty Street Pie. You need to take your shirt off, sit down in front of a large body of water and have a good, hard think about how far you’re willing to go to live the kind of life you want. Even if people like me think that you’re a bit of a cheesy wang for doing so.

You basically need to ask yourself:

Am I brave enough to go after what I want, even if everyone hates me for doing so?

If your answer to that question is yes, then it shouldn’t matter what I think. It shouldn’t matter that when I picture you in my mind, all I see is a massive, irritating dick in the eye. If being with 30 women is the only thing that’s going to make you happy, then it shouldn’t matter that everyone will hate you for doing it. Because YOU’LL be happy. And I get the feeling that’s what matters to you most.

So screw society! Don’t listen to them! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!

I went through a phase of using paper plates and plastic cutlery, because I decided that doing dishes was unimaginative chumps. And you know what? Except for the time I figured out how to use my oven to heat up my towels, it was the best 6 weeks months of my life.

So make a choice, Dirty Street Pie. Either you’re going to commit to your dreams and live a glorious polygamous lifestyle, regardless of what names people call you, or you’re going to give up now and live the way society says you should.

Either way, you need to stop whining. There are less crappy people out there who need my advice.

Rosie out.

Do you want Rosie’s brilliant advice on a love and/or relationship problem? Email her at rosie@mamamia.com.au and put ‘Ask Rosie’ in the subject line.

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Like Rosie on Facebook right here. (Please. I put up good stuff and I would like more friends.)

Want to read more of Rosie’s invaluable advice? Check out past ‘Ask Rosie’ columns here:

On going after love and making out with dolls.

On putting up with friend’s baby photos.

On unfriending parents on Facebook

On eyebrow crabs. (Don’t pretend like you don’t want to click on this one the most.)