by DAVE THORNTON
Porn skews men’s view on sex. Fact. I feel sorry for youngsters who watch it and then think that every woman has the flexibility of a gymnast, the openness of a Scandinavian steam sauna and the dirty talk of an irate Christian Bale.
It sets unrealistic expectations and it’s more often than not derogative to the female who is just at the mercy of her testosterone-fuelled partner. (Don’t look at my Internet history! DON’T LOOK AT IT!!!!)
It’s detached from reality.
But we’re surrounded by unrealistic expectations. I’m only now starting to figure out that using male moisturizer doesn’t make me better at boxing and driving with models in my soft-top sports car.
And what of romance? What would be the ultimate romantic movie? Okay, take away ‘Hot tub time-machine’ and you’re probably thinking ‘The Notebook’.
What a movie!
Ryan Gosling. True love conquering all. Passionate kisses in the rain. Ryan Gosling. Am I right ladies?!?! *click thumbs in a ‘Z’ gesture like a sassy Jerry Springer guest*
I saw it after I was having a beer with some mates and we shared the topic of secret romantic films we like. I threw ‘Notting Hill’ into the mix (she’s just a girl looking at a boy, asking him to love her. JEBUS you’ve gotta be made of stone for that not to make you a blubbering mess!!!!)
While another mate said ‘The Notebook’. So a few days later I trudged down to my local DVD store and hired it out (jammed between ‘No Country for Old Men’ and ‘There will be Blood’, the DVD version of buying milk and bread and putting a packet of condoms in the middle).
Gotta be honest, I liked it. I really like it. I got choked up, like foreskin caught in my fly choked up…. OK that’s probably more a guy thing.
Yet as the dust settled it occurred to me that I felt let down by my relationships. I’ve never had that, I’ve never longed for someone so bad that I wrote a letter to them EV-ER-Y-DAY. I’ve never hurt so much that I was emotionally bereft for years on end. Hey life- WHERE’S MY ALLIE?!?!?!
NB: OK this column may have some spoilers in it however the movie’s been out for 8-years and if you didn’t get a chance to view it before a heterosexual 32-year-old sport loving guy then seriously what have you been doing all this time?
Then I started stewing over it more and the more I scrutinized the movie, the more I realized that Noah gets completely screwed over in this movie.
Let’s first look at it initially from Allies point of view.
She meets Noah, a young attractive kid from the wrong side of the tracks whose guile and charm wins her over. El promblemo (I don’t think that’s an actual Spanish word), he’s not the proper well-to-do man her parents approve of and they move far-far away. While helping out wounded soldiers as a nurse in The Great War, she meets a good-looking blue blood rooster, falls for him and heads home to marry. She sees Noah again and realizes that’s the man for her and chooses real love over money.
Even after reading that I got choked up – pollen count, it’s always the pollen count.
Now look at it from Noah’s point of view. He meeting a gorgeous girl and works his tail off to nab her. Rad. They spend a summer together and he gets belittled in front of her family by Mamma and Pappa silverspoon who then ship Allie off.
He writes to her every day but those letters are shut down by “Mama fun block”.
He goes off to WW1. Best friend is killed. Returns home and his father, only parent, confident and man of wisdom passes away. He does up the home he was left with on the hope that Allie will notice him.
He is an emotional chasm. He tries other relationships but can’t do it. The dude’s got nothing and then Allie returns and everything is peachy keen.
Man if I’d written letters to my one love for a year and gotten donuts, lost a best friend at war, lost my only parent and then built a house that I couldn’t get rid of I’d be a mess. I’d be one of those guys on public transport who constantly talks to himself and smells of burnt yoghurt.
Sure she’d return but she’s engaged now. I’m not sure if that’s romantic, that’s a dude constantly getting hammered by life.
As a guy who loves the opposite sex I’m now set up against an idea that is too great to conquer. Before the dinner has been booked, before the nervous conversation begins, before the text is sent after the date I’m already judged.
After all I’m just a boy, looking at a girl – hoping to impress her.
Dave Thornton is one of the hosts of Mamamia Today (that’s right! We’re on the radio! At 3pm weekdays!) and is known for his free flowing humor and extensive experience across TV, radio and stage, including regular appearances at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
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Top Comments
Noah was a STALKER. A psycho. He stalked her then climbed on a Ferris Wheel when she was sitting with another guy and threatened to kill himself if she didn't say Yes to a date. Then she avoids it of course, but he still stalks her -- and he "wins" (not without showing her laying in the middle of the street with cars coming is romantic & not wacko).
So they hit it off, but the short fling with fighting & the passion of kissy face comes to an abrupt end due to her dad getting in the way, and him not even fighting for a solid goodbye (I guess dads are a stalker's kryptonite but suicide isn't?).
He then writes her for 2 weeks, every day -- no replies. In mail, which is a bigger deal. When a fellow stalker tells him "Dude, it's over man," him not being able to bone her made him want to get the Top of the list -- so he wrotes her for *350 more days straight*! Yep. He's a real cool cat. OH, he's Ryan Gosling, I forgot.
So, her mom threw away the mail -- but she never ONCE checked it? Not even on a Saturday when surely home and not at school? Nor wrote him if she was willing to later cheat on a fiance? WTF?
So she ends up 7 years later being engaged to a guy in the same league as Ryan in looks, but mentally stable, a war hero and from a rich family -- all while being a really cool guy! Well, trying on her wedding dress, she faints seeing Ryan Gosling in the paper -- having transformed the house from his small town into what She dreamed of -- because he's not over her.
So her fiance lets her go have her "alone time" to figure things out about getting married -- which, included cheating on him. She goes down to Ryan's remodeled house right after he bones his redneck FWB... and she jumps his bones.
She goes back to this good fiance, he still wants to win her over, and she says she's not going to go back to Ryan. But does. And jumps his bones and dumps her better fiance. So she rides off into the sunset with Ryan, fighting most of the time, but having great makeup sex to make up for it, apparently.
And "surprise" at the end is the old man reading this story to the old lady -- are both Ryan & Rachel as old people. But the BIGGER surprise is that, no, she doesn't have Alzheimers. She just wants to forget she screwed up her life cheating on a fiance who was a better man across the board, to be with him, just because he remodeled a house! Crazy people.
WORLD WAR II, WORLD WAR II! How could a guy in his twenties in the 1940's possibly have fought in The Great War? Especially since he is American, and they didn't get involved until the Great War was essentially won by the allies!