'My wedding sucked.'

by JO ABI

My wedding sucked. It was just horrible. I’m trying to think of something positive to say about it but the only positive I can think of is that it ended and I got to go home and try to forget it happened.

So much went wrong and it’s going to sound really bad. Disclaimer: my husband and I love each other very much and we are a very happy family. But….

We weren’t planning on getting married but when I fell pregnant (we were actively trying for a baby at the time) I freaked out and insisted we get hitched before baby number one arrived. He was caught off-guard but tried to get on board for my sake. He failed, miserably.

It rained. We were meant to be married outdoors in front of the harbour and we were forced inside the hotel in a cramped little room. My brother-in-law’s mobile phone rang in the middle of the ceremony. Our kiss was bad. He came in wide and I came in narrow. We should have practiced.

Mum didn’t want me to tell anyone I was pregnant but I was twenty weeks and a proud mummy-to-be. When I explained that everyone would be able to tell she asked me to wear a dress that didn’t emphasise my bump any more than it had to. So I ended up looking fat instead of pregnant.

I bought our rings. My husband was very stressed at work and didn’t have a moment to spare. I bought my engagement ring and the wedding rings for a total of $800. I called the ‘diamond’ on my engagement ring a ‘cognac bubble diamond’ because it was slightly yellow and had a bubble in it. I’m happy I lost it during our last house move.

My boobs were expanding and contracting dramatically (the joys of pregnancy). During my final fitting they were quite impressive but on the day of the wedding they had deflated and didn’t quite fill my dress. The ‘money shot’ of the night ended up being a photo of us bending down to cut the wedding cake with one of my nipples hanging out for all to see.

The cake tasted disgusting. Somehow the cake maker heard ‘lots of alcohol’ instead of ‘only a little alcohol’ and one spoonful had me worrying about fetal alcohol syndrome.

No-one danced, including us. My husband didn’t want to do a bridal waltz and instead of forcing him into it like any other respectable bride-to-be I gave in. I even know the song I would have chosen – Bon Jovi’s Always.

I didn’t know what ‘carpaccio’ was. I thought it must be some kind of schnitzel. Like a scene out of a bad wedding movie most of my relatives got out their cigarette lighters and tried to cook the meat at the table. There was a poached egg in the salad. The rolls were old. Our usual Italian wedding food parade of antipasto, seafood, pasta, steak, gelato, cake, more cakes, coffee, chocolates and a prawn supper was nowhere to be seen.

It’s our ten year wedding anniversary next year. We were enjoying a night in when I mentioned the idea of renewing our vows to my husband and he said, “What a good idea,” without a hint of sarcasm. I added that I might like a proper engagement ring chosen by him and he said, “Definitely!” I have been repeating the words ‘princess-cut, platinum solitaire’ ad nauseam ever since. Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on a Saturday next year and although we are already disagreeing on the exact location of the blessed event we’ve at least managed to pick two venues in the same part of the city. Bondi Beach vs Centennial Park. Feel free to vote (Bondi Beach!).

My bridal waltz choice has changed. The Verve Sonnet is my choice now. Love and marriage isn’t perfect. I want something beautiful but reflective of the journey as well. Marriage is excruciating at times but so lovely as well.

We’ll have good food and mud cake. We will practice our kiss. Everyone will clap. IT WILL NOT RAIN.

I will forget all thoughts that wedding vow renewals lead to divorce. Seal and Heidi Klum, Jon and Kate Gosselin, Vicki and Donn from The Real Housewives of Orange County,  Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian (oh wait, they haven’t broken up yet!).

For us it’s a redo. It’s a wedding renovation.  Nobody loves a fixer-upper more than my husband and I. I think I’ve made more of a case for doing it right the first time than I have for the renewing of wedding vows but whatever. Hip hip hooray!

Jo Abi is the author of the book How to Date a Dad: a dating guide released by Hachette Livre Australia.  You can read more about her many and various exploits here and follow her on Twitter here.

Have you ever been to a wedding where everything went wrong?