Racing back to work after a baby? Staying at home with no thought of re-entering the traditional workforce? Trying to balance the two? The decisions you make about your life after having a child can be financial, emotional, circumstantial and usually a combination. But what happens when you make the wrong decision? Mamamia reader Tina needs some help:
Superwoman, what a crock.
“I have a five year old daughter that has just started prep. I have been back working since she was 11 months old, first starting 2 days a week gradually increasing to five days a week which has been for the past 17 months. Due to reasons I’m only starting to get into with my therapist, I have suffered from a GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) since my daughter was 14 months old and have been on anti-depressants since. I have attempted to come of medication a few times, but have always gone back up on my dose as my anxiety got the best of me. Which brings me to my dilemma.
I haven’t been enjoying my job as much as I used to and last Sunday whilst brushing my daughter’s hair and thinking about making her lunch and all of the things I had awaiting for me this week, I had an anxiety attack which progressively got worse over the next few days. After speaking with a dear friend, she finally admitted to me that I hadn’t been myself since going back to work full time.
After many discussions with my husband (who is extremely supportive of me in every way), we came to the decision for me to quit my job and be a stay at home mum. Whilst doing this, I can also help him with his accounts (as he has his own business) and he can concentrate on doing the part of the business that he does best.
I however am feeling extremely guilty about not being able to handle working full-time and being a mum. I feel I should be able to handle it as so many other women do but then I also have extreme envy that I miss out on seeing my daughter run to the front door to greet me at the end of the day like she does with my husband when he gets home from work. As my friend said to me, “you only have the one child and you only get one chance at your and her life”. Financially we would be OK, obviously tightening the belt on things, so why is it so difficult to accept that it’s an easy decision to make?”
Note: Wouldn’t it be great if this didn’t turn into a bun-fight about working versus stay at home mums. Let’s try and speak about what we actually went through rather than what we believe people SHOULD do. Tina needs our help, she needs our constructive advice on how we made peace with our decisions. Whatever they were and are. Best foot forward and over to you……
Top Comments
I love the comments below & can really relate. My eldest is 12 & I did go back to work at 8 weeks, we needed the money. I've only slowed down in the last 2 years - because of my health - and I wish I'd done it sooner. The pressures are huge & it's very hard to listen to yourself away from the 'you should be like....' voices. Good luck with whatever you choose (if you have the option to choose!) & always have a look & see if YOU might want/need to change your mind, that's OK too. Enjoy life.
Tina, I hear you and I fully empathize with you. You asked why is this such a difficult decision to make, and I think the answer lies somewhere in our own confused minds.. somewhere within the contradiction between the person we think we should be versus the person we really want to be. What complicates it further, I think, are the opinions of people around us, the expectations we have of ourselves and the perceptions we have of other Mums.
I went back to work when my daughter was 7 weeks old, and I hated it. At the time I felt I had no choice but when a sudden illness struck soon before she turned one, I was forced to take 4 weeks off work. For the first time I had 'permission' to focus on just being a Mum and I loved it. At that point I made the decision to be an almost full time stay at home Mum (I still do 1 day a week but this is a lot less than the 4-5 days I used to do) and for the first month or so I really enjoyed it. Then the restlessness and emptiness set in as I began to doubt my decision and realised I was facing an identity crisis. Internally I really wanted (and still want) to be with my daughter full time but I find it almost impossible to shake my own ideals that I "should" be doing so much more. I'm finding it hard to appreciate and value myself for what I'm doing now because deep down I think I should be doing more. I'm also struggling to find fulfillment lots of days when I can't look proudly at my list of achievements or see money in the bank for my efforts.
I still haven't made peace with my decision (4 months after choosing to stay at home) but what has helped me so far is this:
* Constantly reminding myself about what my real priorities in life are (my family, my partner, my mental and physical wellbeing) and that work and career aren't in the top 3 of that list.
* I read 2 good books that I can recommend, the "Tao of Poo" and "Buddhism for Mothers". I'm not buddhist and the books refer more to mothers of babies, but the messages in my opinion are timeless and really helpful regardless of the age of your kids or your faith
* Find one, two or more friends who value you for who you are rather than what you achieve, and seek out their company and support when you need to
* Remember that other women, who might appear to you to be able to "do it all" drop the ball just as much as anyone else, we just don't always see it happen or maybe their support networks are vastly different. I know it doesn't help me to compare myself to other Mums so I try really hard not to.
I wish you the best with making peace with your choice... if one day it stops working for you, then you can change your mind. I guess that's the important thing to remember... the decision you've made was the best one for you and your family at that time and with your current resources. No one but you can be in the best position to know what those constraints are and choose what seems to be the best path.