The dumbest thing you did as a kid.

by MONTY DIAMOND

I was chatting with some friends the other day about the brainless shit we got up to when we were younger. Things that seemed like an awesome idea at the time were usually ridiculously dangerous.  Or just downright dumb.

Now that I’m a Mum, it FREAKS me out thinking of the stuff my son is potentially going to get involved in. Even though he is only eight months old, I know in time his curiosity will inevitably get the better of him.

My fingers and toes are crossed that hopefully he’ll be a little wiser than some of my friends, and I, were. The scary thing is we weren’t even bad kids… we just got up to some seriously mindless shenanigans.

Allow me to start by sharing the genius idea my friend Scott had when he was seven.

Scott’s grandparents had a spa bath. He used to lose his small mind on the weekends when he’d spend hours in the glorious bubbles turning into a human prune. The boring old normal bathtub at his house just wasn’t cutting it anymore, so he decided he would try and replicate his Gran’s Spa. He had a brainwave one evening while he and his sister where having a bath.  He thought he could achieve the sort after bubbles with a little help from… a hairdryer.

While Scott’s little sister played with her rubber duckies in the bath, he set up the hairdryer and with one flick turned it on. Unfortunately for him it didn’t quite reach the tub so he ran to get an extension cord. While his little naked soapy body was rummaging through the cupboard, his Mum walked past and asked him what he was doing. When he proudly told her about his awesome idea, she nearly died on the spot.

He isn’t the only friend of mine who acted on innocent impulses.

One afternoon when my mate Mika was about 11, her Dad ducked to the shops leaving her at home with her little sister.  The girls thought it would be HILARIOUS to use the fake blood they got in a horror show bag. So, as you do, they got a knife, put the fake blood all over it and lay in the hallway pretending to be dead!

Their acting was so convincing their Dad bolted over to them in a crying mad panic. Can you imagine the thoughts that ran through his mind in those four looong seconds before they sprung up giggling? He had walked in to a murder scene with both of his daughters dead. This very disturbing prank ended in many tears belonging to both child and man.

Nearly every kid has a moment or two of being utterly moronic. It goes with the territory of being a minor. My good friend Kylie went through a period of hiding her undies in the garden. Not for any particular reason but just because it seemed like a good thing to do.

One afternoon she took off her undies and dug a little hole, popped in her knickers, then covered the hole back up. How odd! It wasn’t just once though, it became almost a daily ritual… Afternoon undie burial. She was forced to wean herself off her little obsession after her Mother realised her top drawer was always empty.

I didn’t escape the foolishness either. I was overly intrigued with the human body when I was little. You know those kids that would say, ‘show me yours and I’ll show you mine’? That was me. I was fascinated with what was in our trousers. I’d regularly flip over naked in front of the full-length mirror to get an extreme close up of my bare derrière.

It was completely innocent but rather strange. I was politely asked by my Mother to ease up on the private part obsession after my sister informed her of my favourite past time. I was mortified and have not naked mirror flipped since.

All of these stories make me stress out about what my little boy’s moments of lethal stupidity or bizarre obsession might be. Am I going to get home one day and find he’s set the cat on fire while attempting to give his sibling a petrol milkshake?

Oh the joys of motherhood, ah? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see… What fun!

Katie “Monty” Dimond is a broadcaster and media personality. She has appeared on Channel Ten, Channel Nine, and Nova FM. She is currently busy being a full time Mum and loving it!