EM: Cross your legs preggos, 'cause we be going deep.

Cross your legs preggos, ’cause we be going deep.

First up, well done on getting yourself knocked up. You’ve got a baby in your guts and whether you planned it or not this thing is happening so onwards and outward eh?

A friend of mine is about 57 weeks gone, ok she’s 42 weeks but lets be real here; she has almost been with child for a whole year! She has basically had the gestation period of an elephant. This kid appears to have built an apartment in her belly, moved in and right now has it’s tiny little feet up on the mucous covered coffee table with no intention of getting the hell out. We were chatting and she suddenly lurched up and grabbed a hair brush and went at her belly.

“Oh the itching. My skin is itchy from the inside, my GOD there is so much to pregnancy I didn’t know. No bastard told me about the itching”! As I watched my convex mate claw at her body I was surprised that still, even now with the inter webs being easily accessible- there are things that ladies don’t know about the joys of being on stork watch.

When I think back to my 2 pregnancies I too remember so much happened to me that they don’t put in those floral covered pregnancy guides. I had one trout in the well bible by Kaz Cooke, her book “Up the Duff” told me some of the hard truths about what to expect while I was expecting. I still recommend it to every woman I know or meet who is in the family way.

But I thought I’d have a crack at a few of my own.

These are the main things I feel those with a bun in the oven should know. Needless to say pregnancy is different for every woman. You may only experience a couple of the following pregnancy side effects, none at all or perhaps hit the up the spout bingo.

Please note these are not the medical terms for the below conditions. The are the “Em terms”, obviously.

Filthy Pirate mouth.

I actually thought my teeth were going to fall out of my head. I had the gums of a 70 year old swash buckling pirate king with a nasty case of scurvy. Every time I brushed my teeth to looked like a mass murder had occurred in my bathroom sink. This is called “pregnancy gingivitis” and can occur in up to half of pregnancies due to changes in hormone levels blah blah blah. If this sounds like you, pop off to the tooth doctor to get on top of it.

Bong eyes.

Your body does this nifty thing of hanging onto your poo for longer so that it can draw all the nutrients out of it for you and the baby, this is inconvenient because CONSTIPATION. Where do the bong eyes come in? I was straining so hard on the toot that I not only got bum grapes (haemorrhoids) but I also acquired two burst blood vessels in either eye. I looked like I had been bonging on for a considerable amount of time, such a bad look at 35 weeks pregnant.

Hobbit shoulders.

We all know about how your nails and hair grow faster and thicker during pregnancy but did ANYONE tell you about the fact you may turn into a hobbit with a taste for chocolate? My shoulders rug was particularly disturbing, you could almost plat that shit. Again it is just the hormones and apparently should rectify itself after you squeeze the kid out.

Target nipples.

If you are pregnant and reading this now then I am sorry, it is too late for you and your nipples. Gone are your pink buds like droplets and in their place are massive brown skin covered walnuts that will never regain their former glory. Tell every woman you know who is yet to be with child to take a photo of her glorious pre bun in the oven breasts. For the love of God tell them all, everyone. This happens because nature is turning your tits into targets for your offspring. Some lucky bitches get their original nips back, I’ve heard of this occurring. I bet their kids are ugly though.. Right guys?! Right.

You’ve got a baby in your guts and weather you planned it or not this thing is happening so onwards and outward eh?

Iron Vag.

For me Iron Vag was the worst symptom of pregnancy, certainly the most painful. Towards the end of your run it feel as though some sick bastard has sewn bricks into your lady parts, they are heavy – like iron. It feels as though all the blood in your body is exclusively living in your crotchal area . It is the most unique pain I have ever felt and hard to explain but when it happens you’ll know and you’ll exclaim “DAMN YOU IRON VAG”!

There are plenty more niche symptoms which I will now turn over to you to add, the comments on my posts usually outshine my actual words so don’t let me down here friends. I need a snappy name for your symptom and a delicious description of it.

Good luck and please take a moment to celebrate how many different ways I was able to write having a bat in the cave.

Em. x

What were the pregnancy side effects that no one told you about?