Sometimes Mamamia readers ask the most interesting questions. Like Lara who writes:
And the winner of my affection is….
“Am sitting here in bed at midnight looking at baby number four who is only two weeks old and contemplating the question of ‘Is it ok to have a favourite?’ (let’s keep in mind I have 4 kids under 6 so they are all going through various stages in their development and tantrum chucking)
The reason I pose the question is that I am often surprised by the number of people who say to me ‘but you can’t say that’ when I mention that one of my four kids is my favorite. But I can have a favourite, can’t I?
My favourite often changes according to age, stage and how much sleep they have had or vitamins (eg mashed veggies) they have consumed that week…… but…. there are days, weeks and even months where I genuinely like one kid more than the others…is that wrong? It doesn’t mean I don’t love and adore the others, it just means that one of them at that moment is infinitely more likable than the other three.
Admittedly none of my kids are my favorite for long but I have been known to have a soft spot for each of them at different times in my life…..for example, when they are a newborn to about 6 months old, that child is always my favorite and gets 100% of my attention. Prior to the latest baby arriving, my daughter was my favourite for 2 years, she is my only girl and in my eyes, could do no wrong (that has however recently changed when I saw the light with the new baby and realized that Miss 2 is actually as my hubby said, close to evil…..cute, but evil….).
Either way, the two eldest at various stages have also been my favorites and because I am more open about it, they seem to be fine with it. In fact there is very little concern from them at all. I think it almost creates the opposite of jealousy or sibling rivalry. Even my parents and my siblings have talked about who of my kids they like the most.
As kids my Mum would often tell us we were her favourite for varying reasons. We never felt insecure (there were 4 of us too) nor did we feel like the others got preferential treatment, it was mum’s way of making us feel a little special for a brief moment in time.
So I ask two questions, it is ok to have a favourite and if not, what on earth is so wrong about it? Would you ever admit to liking one of your kids more than the other? I do it all the time but wonder what is so wrong with it!
I’ve got one more question: if you don’t have kids yet, do you think your parents had a favourite?
A short film by Alex Weinress and Rob Carlton on raising twins from Tropfest 2006:
Top Comments
I'd have to say playing favourites can be a dangerous game. My mother, who gave up custody of me aged three, while fighting doggedly for my sister and brother, told me my whole life it was because I didn't make life easy for her. It took a few years of therapy in my thirties to come to terms with it and the broader reaching ramifications it had on my life. I realise most people's idea of favourites is not as extreme, but my point is that such messages are often much more about the parent than the child, though children will often blame themselves.
You can try your very hardest not to play favourites, divide your attention equally, say all the right things. But kids know. One of my children is easy to get along with. We enjoy the same things, have a similar sense of humour and enjoy eachother's company. The other child is not so easy to get along with and it takes a lot of patience and hard work to maintain a good, close relationship with one another.
I don't believe that either child is better than the other. I don't think that one is nicer, brighter or more deserving of love than the other. They were born and remain equals. But one of them is a whole lot nicer to hang out with and that subtly changes our relationship, no matter how even handed I try to be. And, despite my best efforts, I can tell that my kids know how I feel. I will keep on working at being fair, even and equally loving with both children. But neither they nor I can substantially change our personalities to please others. All we can do is our very best.