Married at First Sight recap: A break up, a makeover and a brand new couple.

EXCUSE US BUT THE EXPERIMENT IS ENTERING A NEW PHASE.

The couples are moving into a shared apartment block – which is, of course, located in Bondi.

We just need to acknowledge for a moment how entirely unrealistic this setup is.

No normal human can just… afford to live in Bondi. Unless they’re paying $550 a week (each) for a room without a toilet and with a stranger squatting in the wardrobe, this arrangement is utterly misleading.

The experts are setting these people’s expectations far too high and, frankly, we think it’s rude.

As they move in, we spot Anthony trying to sneak what looks like a clothes horse into his brand new apartment. And it lends itself to a number of questions.

1) Surely you don't have to provide your own clothes horse?

2) You just, definitely, have a dryer.

3) You're not paying the electricity bill, so... capitalise on the dryer set up.

4) Maybe he is doing it for the environment. In which case we take everything back and good on him.

When they enter their apartments, each couple is greeted with a wedding photo, reminding them of that lovely day a whole two weeks ago when they met and also got married.

Identical twin Sharon tells the camera her and Nick's relationship has been "nothing short of a fairy tale." Yes. Like when a 'fairy tale' means your fake husband got sh*t-faced at a televised dinner party and vomited three times.

But Nick has learned his lesson, and thinks he will definitely buy Sharon a present as an apology. He looks at the camera and mutters, "Happy wife, happy life..." which is approximately the 92nd time he has said that and WE WANT A BAN ON THAT STUPID SAYING. IT MEANS NOTHING, NICK. THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY FOR ONCE.

Listen: The Recap team discusses tonight's episode of Married at First Sight. (Post continues after audio.)

Meanwhile, Sharon's twin Michelle is encountering problems of her own. Her fake husband, Jesse, used the toilet to do a number two with the door open and Michelle is legitimately traumatised. We know they're married and all, but it's been two weeks. Jesus.

Wait, no.

Everyone shut up it's Deb and John and we have a bad feeling.

You see, Deb's not yelling at him. Or whinging about the colour of his skin. It feels...

Too.

Quiet.

Oh no. John has realised that there is nothing at all legally binding about the experts saying he has to stay with Deb without his consent.

This is the FUNDAMENTAL FLAW in the commitment ceremony rules. You can't force someone to stay, when they already said they 100 per cent definitely wanted to leave.

So John sought legal counsel and found that a) he is not at all married, b) John Aiken is not nearly strong enough to physically restrain him and, c) you shouldn't stay with someone if they might kill you in the middle of the night.

We are... devastated.

John is leaving the experiment.

He's had a big think and he's trying to say in the nicest way possible that there is no point in this and it's a waste of everyone's time.

Deb is beyond pretending to care. She's still not sure why she chose to stay, other than it was the opposite of what John wanted, so... whatever.

She's just really excited to, AND WE QUOTE, "... go home and hopefully find my Polynesian man.”

And just like that, we lose one of the greatest love stories of our time.

Speaking of love, Susan and Sean have been hooking up nonstop for more than two weeks now and we haven't really covered it because it's becoming repetitive.

This is the face of a woman who has been having a lot of sex lately.

But you know who definitely isn't having sex?

Nadia and Anthony.

Last night, Anthony told the experts "As far as I'm concerned Nadia's mine. And we're together," which was a really strange thing to say and we still feel kind of weird about it.

Tonight, while the two of them are casually getting their hair done (??) he says that they have a lot in common given they both work in media.

"Nadia doesn’t work at the moment on a full-time basis. You probably should. You need to have a bit more direction. Head back down that track I think...”

Wait... wtf?

Firstly, he speaks about Nadia and to Nadia interchangeably and it is difficult to follow.

Secondly, you can't just tell a fully-grown woman what they should do with their career. That's not... a thing.

“I think you have a very unique set of skills, particularly in presenting and broadcasting, that you’re not using on a full time basis,” he qualifies, as if Nadia is one of his distant and slightly incompetent employees. 

Nadia clearly doesn't really know how to feel, because she's been caught off guard by this random dude who is meant to like her, trying to explain how she could better live her life.

Then he pats her on the head and says "I’m going to go and work for a couple of hours and you’ll do what girls do when they get their hair done..."

Oh. Oh no he didn't.

The producers then swarm asking questions like "It really hit a nerve, didn't it?" and zoom in on her face until she feels so uncomfortable/awkward/exposed that she breaks.  

Like... she has wet hair. Leave the woman alone.

Oh, goodness.

It's Cheryl. She has an appointment with John Aiken. Maybe she's getting some therapy because she had a legitimately traumatising experience... on YOUR WATCH, John Aiken. On YOUR WATCH.

Aiken practices his attentive listening face which involves nodding and crinkled brow etc.

But then - Cheryl drops the twist that allegedly "no one saw coming."

Wait, no. Literally... literally everyone saw this coming. Our mum doesn't watch this show and she saw it coming.

"I wanted to sort of ask your opinion on something," Cheryl says, and it's definitely regarding the fact she has a crush on Andrew, the fireman dude who fell victim to a runaway bride.

Some thoughts: Why is John Aiken the boss? Where are Mel and/or Trisha? Also, why does Cheryl have to ask the 'experts' permission to go on a date with a single man she met at a dinner party? How far did their advice get her last time? These experts are not good for you, Cheryl. 

John Aiken says it's fine and then legitimately tries to take credit for the match. Eugh.

Oh, and the qualifications on his door get far too much screen time. You can pretty much hear him whispering to the frightened cameraman, "hover a little longer, hold it. HOLD IT."

Sharon and Nick are having discussions about Nick's drinking and the "demons" of his past, while doing a strange and unspecified activity. It looks like a car... but they're riding it? Like a bicycle? At the same time, Michelle and Jesse are at the zoo, where Jesse tries to tell Michelle some FUN FACTS but mixes them all up to the point where they don't make sense.

At one point Michelle tries to speak to him and he just doesn't reply.

Cool.

Because the other couples are getting really, really boring, the experts design a random challenge. It's odd because at once this show seems to be trying to introduce these couples to normal life, while also disrupting it at every opportunity.

For ONLY Nadia and Anthony, and Alene and Simon, they must have a "surrender day," where the wife gets to decide everything they do for the whole day.

This is purely an excuse for Alene to make Simon get a haircut and we have no problems at all.

You guys, Alene has never been this happy. Ever. 

Honestly. She can't stop smiling. Because Simon is her toy and he is super fun to play with.

OMG Cheryl is going on her date with Andrew.

This is... weird.

We never thought it would be so unnerving to watch someone's fake ex-wife go on a date with someone's fake ex-husband, but it is. They laugh a lot and make jokes about proposing. It's just a normal date tbh and we feel a bit pervy watching in.

Meanwhile, Michelle is having doubts about Jesse ever since he did a shit with the door open and straight up stopped responding to her at the zoo. The producers try to interview her about it, but she's so upset about the toilet incident that she instantly starts crying.

She needs to talk to Sharon and get assurance that this whole experiment isn't the stupidest thing she's ever done, so she goes to Sharon's place, which is conveniently located next door.

Michelle says there's pressure to be "the perfect couple," which doesn't seem like a valid concern given that four out of ten couples have already broken up, including one couple who didn't even make it through the wedding night.

Incidentally, Susan and Sean, who are the perfect couple, have started to have issues. Susan is struggling with the fact that she'll have to entirely abandon her life in order to make the relationship with Sean work, and she's mildly unsettled by this. It's something she probably would've liked to know prior to the experiment.

Whatever, that's not important. Nadia makes Anthony do yoga. She's just trying to pass the time until the next dinner party where she can get some goddamn interesting gossip from the other couples.

Oh no.

It's Alene.

She's gone mad with power.

She's got Simon a whole new wardrobe (who's paying for this?) and is now holding him hostage in a hairdresser until he gets a haircut. He really doesn't want to, but he values his freedom, so he agrees.

Pause.

First this was just your typical wedding reality show. Then it became like Big Brother, what with the cameras following these poor people around 24/7. Then it sort of felt like Survivor, when couples started to vote each other out of relationships. THEN it looked a lot like The Block when everyone moved into the same apartment complex. Now, we're getting an Australia's Next Top Model vibe, and it's not too much at all. It's perfect.

Seeing Simon after his haircut will be the highlight of our week - nay, our year. Not only because his curls (that most definitely do not get the girls) will be gone, but because Alene is going to lose it. And let's be honest, we all want to see Alene lose it.

OMG EXCUSE US SIMON HAS HAD HIS HAIRCUT PLS.

We've never seen a man as handsome, or as demoralised, as Simon in this moment.

He looks so good!

But so... deflated.

But so good!

Alene has never in her life felt this level of happiness.

No, seriously.

She's dancing now.

And on that note, until tomorrow!

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