When it’s time to walk away from a friendship.

The topic of friendship is one that we often discuss in group therapy, female ones, platonic ones, competitive ones, Facebook ones and needy ones. In all, navigating the complex emotions of friendships are tricky. Duh. But still the nuances of this issue confuse the hell out of us.

What advice can you impart on Michelle* who is close to walking away from a 10 year friendship…

Michelle* writes

I have a question for the mamamians about a friendship that is fracturing. My gay best friend and I, let’s call him John, have been friends for almost 10 years. We have been extremely close for most of that time, very will and grace, and my friendship with him has been something I have treasured – actually I think I can safely say its something we have both treasured. Our lives are very intertwined – careers, friends, families – and our friendship is at the centre of a whole lot of other relationships that are also very important to us both (so, with his parents, other colleagues, etc).

The friendship was solid as a rock, getting us through relationship and career crises, and international and interstate moves. But then John settled in a more permanent way interstate, got into a rocky and uncharacteristic relationship with someone I struggle to get along with, and our friendship suddenly became difficult.

Neither of us coped with that very well – who does! – and we both really hurt each other as a result. But we did eventually start talking about what had happened, why we were hurt, and how to find our way out. Which we did half way through last year – and things were really great for a few months – but then John’s relationship went really south, and he went back to treating me in a way he promised he wouldn’t, and stopped being the caring and considerate friend he said he wanted to be.

To be fair, John was (and still is) having a hard time, and once I pointed out what was happening, he acknowledged it immediately, couldn’t believe he had done it, and was really sorry. But he still hasnt managed to do what he said he would do, and I have been feeling really taken for granted and just used. When things first became difficult between us, I suspected that John’s behaviour was because he no longer really wanted the kind of friendship we had, but he couldn’t face undoing it. When we talked everything through he assured me that wasn’t at all the case, but a few weeks ago, in a particularly dark moment, he said he thought maybe I had been right all along. That was hard to hear – as he well knew, I trusted him to not do that, to tell the truth, and not just say whatever he needed to say to keep me around as a support when he needed it.

I’m an only child with a crazy family, so my friendships are all I have – and this friendship in particular has been one of the most important of my life. I’m about to move interstate, and I’m scared John is not going to be there for me, and I know if that happens I am going to be so so hurt. What should I do Mamamia community? Should I walk away? How do you know when enough is enough?