There’s not a lot I wouldn’t tell my closest girlfriends but there’s one thing I’ve been lying by omission about for years.
I’m too mortified to let this slip. And too confused about how this situation has transpired. But the thing is: I’m 28 years old, and I’m a virgin.
I don’t understand how it happened. Or, more accurately, how it didn’t happen for me. I’m not religious and holding out for marriage. I’m not dim or bad-smelling or unattractive (at least I think I’m not). And I’m certainly not asexual… as my humiliating crush on Benedict Cumberbatch can attest.
Nope, my chastity is much more accidental than that. I feel like I missed the boat with losing my “V-plates” (ugh isn’t that a horrible teenage term?) years ago, and I’m not sure that particular vehicle comes around a second time.
When everyone else was creeping into the guest room with one another at high school house parties, I was living with my parents, taking uni pretty seriously and coming home at midnight to avoid a hangover, like a shy, slightly nerdy Cinderella.
Sure, there were guys who’d buy me drinks in bars, and I went on “dates” with a handful of guys during uni (if you can call free movie screenings at union house “dates”). But the conversation was stilted; the chemistry flat; the occasional kisses during the slower parts of the movie sloppy.
I could have pushed through the awkwardness and gone home with one of them to a (no doubt slightly musty smelling) single bed in a college room somewhere. In fact, there was one time where a guy’s hand strayed under my top during a screening of Anchorman and I seriously considered doing it just because he looked a bit like Toby Maguire.
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Hi,
I don't know if you will see this since you wrote it in 2014 and it's 2018 now. I just wanted to thank you for your message. Your text above felt like It was describing me, at least half of it. I am going to be 27 y.o. tomorrow and I sobbed for hours yesterday. I can't remember when this feeling first appeared, but I feel like the more the time passes, the more my heart breaks and I feel like something is killing me inside.
Long story short: I'm also a virgin, not because of religion, just because it never happened somehow. Only 2 of my friends know and they live away. I don’t know why it never happened. I kept telling myself "don’t look for love, it will happen when it does, just concentrate on school". But now it feels like maybe there is something wrong with me, and I really don’t know what it is. I’m heterosexual (only interested in men). A little description of me: average height; really in shape (mix of ballerina and soccer); I don't think I’m ugly, not a top model, but not ugly, at least my friends told me that my hair and smile are pretty; studying science in grad school, speak multiple languages since I lived in Europe for a while; have a lot of interests such as sports, art, history, science, politics, literature, cars; love animals; etc. The only thing I can think of is that I always went to school and had 2-3 jobs on the side. Since I worked until 1 am, mostly 7 days a week, I did not go out much.
When I go out with co-workers, I fit in, but none of my co-workers’ interest me and most of them are younger than me. Somehow, I feel like they are too immature, have not lived enough, or just not as ‘’mature’’ as I would like my boyfriend to be. I can hold a conversation, laugh, I’m polite, honest, well mannered, respectful of different opinions, reserved and impulsive at the same time. I may be more reserved at the beginning but I’m not boring and I have lived a lot (if this makes sense) and I am full of life, goals and dreams. I know I have flaws like everyone. I may be very focused, determined, stubborn, strong-headed and others, but I don’t see anything big (no one has ever told me what’s wrong with me, even if I asked multiple times, they just said ‘’nothing is wrong with you’’). My gay best friend made me a Tinder account a year and a half ago, because he thinks that I should meet people. He is right. I have not been much on it. I work such long hours that I don’t know how to free an evening for a date night even if I want to. I went out with 2 guys last year (a couple of dates). Since I wasn’t into casual sex, I told them, and I think I gave them a shock. One of them, I ended up being not attracted to, the other one is in the military and was only into one-night stands, so we became friends. A lot of the messages were discouraging to me: a lot of them were requests for one-night stands, a lot of the men are either too young or too old, a lot were from guys that did not look like they had their life together at all (weird pictures of excessive alcohol, drugs, creepy, weird as hell, etc). I give a chance to any that look normal when I'm on the app. I open the app every couple of months, but I just don’t feel like men my age are on it, at least the ones that have not dropped out of high school. Maybe what I look like does not match the type of man I like (courageous, sporty, driven, a bit competitive and alpha, smart). I’m not the tall and blond type that works a 9-5 desk job.
For the next year, I though about going out every Saturday, either with my friends or doing an activity like paint night. The problem with that is, I’m not sure how many activities I can find where most of the people in the room are not women or not 50 y.o. men. Also, most of my friends are in couples or are international students that will end up leaving, live in another city or have crazy work schedules, therefore I must find activities that I can do on my own and activities that single men would go to. I don’t have any other ideas for now. I think I will be in grad school for the next few years and I am afraid that I will not meet anyone, since I would probably move between universities. I don’t want to be 33, just out of school, and alone. I want a small house, kids later, a dog or a cat, a career, to travel, but I want someone to share all of that with, someone that is not a friend or family, but someone else to love.
I don’t know if I made much sense here, but if you are reading this and have some advice for me, I would appreciate.
From a young woman with an old soul.
I am 28 and also virgin, had on-off relationship with my very first girlfriend (she is martial artist) and suddenly she just break up with me via facebook (she made kid with someone else). After that been single super many years. So ending up a beautiful virgin with athletic body is kind of weird indeed. Especially when they publicly tell lies about my sexuality (they dont know my past relationship, since its my personal secret). Basicly women are really passive towards men and If they give you promise to love you they cheat you by going bed with someone else. So this is the story of my life. Greedings from virgin Ken. Really what you need is someone who is into you without any extra requirements + person must not change who you are. If you are running after someone and they show no interest you are just wasting your time. Seek same valued people and ignore hunting money bitches and women who get easily bed with everyone. When you are kid relationships are easier but when you grow up boy and girl kind of get separated. Women are passive always so you need to start and grab her hand! (My style). But yes some girls also may ask if they can kiss you if you smile (they must already know your smart). Generally you just haven't met right person or someone jealous tells public lies about you (which ruins your relationship future for that area of residency). BEATIFUL MEN ARE ALSO VIRGIN AT 28 SO IT'S JUST THAT YOU HAVE MET WRONG WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE WHO ARE NOT FAITHFUL TOWARDS YOU. God says everyone has other half (soul mate) waiting somewhere of the world so there must be everyone for everybody who is virgin. Remember religion circles highly value virginity and catholic churches you may find other virgin women at that age 30 because of their religion dedication to stay virgin until marriage.