It's the last sexual taboo and it's far more common than you'd think.

September 20, 2015

Non-monogamy: is it the last sexual taboo?

Not long before my second wedding, I acquired the worst reputation in my then-workplace, a community-based mental health service. This happened despite the fact that my chronically under-dressed colleagues of every gender and sexual orientation sported pierced eyebrows and tattooed bum cracks.

Still it was I, the un-pierced and non-tattooed, the conventionally engaged one, who managed to upset our institution’s elastic moral status quo.

” it was I, the un-pierced and non-tattooed, the conventionally engaged one, who managed to upset our institution’s elastic moral status quo.”

This happened when one night, during after-work drinks, we got to storytelling our sex lives. Not wanting to fall behind the picaresque tales I’d heard, I mumbled something about an ‘agreement’ with my husband-to-be, which emphasised emotional rather than sexual fidelity.

A sharp silence cut into our bubbly table. “What’s the point of getting married, then?” asked a woman who had just told a graphic story about partaking in an orgy. “If I ever get married, I know I’ll be very loyal.” She glared at me fiercely. Soon after, the conversation turned to parenting concerns.

Publicly at least, distrust, even condemnation, seem to surround non-monogamy. The common wisdom suggests that when couples open up their gates to let strangers in, something about them must be very wrong.

While scientists cannot reach consensus about whether humans are naturally monogamous or not, the consensus among leading therapists and the general public remains that a sexually and romantically exclusive relationship is the only practical, and moral, option.

Lee Kofman

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In her bestselling book Mating in Captivity, which explores sexuality within committed relationships with uncommon honesty, therapist Esther Perel argues that non-monogamy remains one of the last sexual taboos in the new millennium.

At a time when Sexpo exhibitions have become mainstream entertainment, Dolly magazine advises girls on how to perform fellatio while wearing braces and labiaplasty is increasing in popularity, we still, according to Perel, consider monogamy to be the only realistic option, while non-monogamy is seen as an indicator of ‘a lack of commitment or a fear of intimacy’.

While I agree with Perel that we tend to associate desire extended beyond our partner with immaturity and an inability to commit to duty, I think we also attach to it even more severe flaws. Sheer egoism, for example. Or even ‘monstrosity’ was what American novelist Frederic Tuten suggested in an interview for a New York magazine where he proposed that people can live non-monogamously but should never speak about it publicly for their own safety.

Ironically, Tuten’s interviewer, Philip Weiss, chose to ignore his subject’s advice, and in the same article admitted his own desire for extra-marital sex, instantly fulfilling Tuten’s prediction. Once he acknowledged something many of us may at least occasionally feel, whether we are in happy, unhappy, sexless or sexually satisfying relationships — that itching for something additional — all hell broke loose. The readers responded with electronic condemnations, wishing upon him a range of misfortunes to put the biblical plagues to shame.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith have been happily married for 17 years in an ‘open relationship’

Angelina Jolie didn’t rate any better. Fans delighted in her confessions about incorporating knife-cutting into her bedroom repertoire as much as they did in her humanitarian work in Africa. But they were less amused by her publicly stated interest in opening up her relationship with Brad Pitt. In the ensuing outrage, Jolie stood accused of driving Brad to alcoholism.

These examples reflect our general attitudes; statistics show that today we expect faithfulness from our spouses even more than ever, with the opposition to extramarital affairs in the USA and Australia reaching over 90 percent among respondents of large surveys.

Yet frequently our relationships do not live up to these expectations. Ironically, statistics on adultery prevalence are also consistently getting higher, settling at about 45 percent, while some researchers estimate that 60 to 70 percent of committed relationships are affected.

Then, of course, there are the statistically unaccounted for who keep (at least for now) their loins exclusive for their partners but consume internet pornography, or flirt in cyberspace. Since infidelity is prevalent, it seems that our current attitudes rule out not other lovers, but negotiation between spouses. People cheat now possibly more than ever while trying and/or pretending to be monogamous.

It is not just the infidelity blockading the fortress of monogamy, but also the skyrocketing rates of divorce, which often don’t even include de facto breakups, and recent statistics show that sexless relationships are common. Perhaps the current vehement opposition to non-monogamy as a legitimate relationship choice occurs precisely because it is increasingly harder to remain faithful.

“Perhaps the current vehement opposition to non-monogamy as a legitimate relationship choice occurs precisely because it is increasingly harder to remain faithful.”

Historically, people craved diversity in their love lives even when individual happiness was not yet accepted as our birthright and when the average life of a marriage could be as short as 15 years. Nowadays we could spend 50 years or more with our partners.

Within such a timespan, the temptation to stray must be more persistent. Besides, contemporary communications technology makes it easier to conduct affairs.

To my mind, and based on my own experience, too, it is naïve to think of monogamy as the only workable relationship option in a society, where we may spend so many years with our spouses and where temptations are as rife as divorce. In these circumstances, it makes sense that some permissiveness in relationships can actually invigorate and preserve, rather than destroy them.

This post by Lee Kofman originally appeared here on The Huffington Post Australia and was republished here with full permission.

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Top Comments

Anoned 9 years ago

Whilst there is no doubt a lot of serial relationships, divorces and affairs it could also be that for some of these people they are with the wrong person, there is so much pressure to marry or at the very least have serious relationships by a certain age (everyone has a different view of the cut off point but our parents were considered almost old maids if they weren't married by twenty, I think nowadays the expectation is by 30) that I think for every person who meets the right person at 25 there is another feeling all the pressures of everyone telling them to hurry up, so they marry the person who they think is ok. The reality is for every person who meets the perfect mate (by perfect I mean perfect for them) at 16, there is another person who doesn't meet that person till their 60! This idea that we should all neatly find the right person in our twenties is really a little unrealistic. But for most 25 year olds who may be longing for love if you told them that you had a crystal ball and the person of their dreams wouldn't arrive till they were 60, most likely they would marry Mr/Mrs right now!

These statistics look bad, but you could look at it another way there are a huge amount of people marrying someone and never being unfaithful, of course as you point out who knows if they are all spending 24/7 watching porn, or longing for an affair, but them speculating on this is similar to speculating on the happiness of marriages in general, none of us now if those who are married are all blissfully happy or they all secretly hate each other but don't divorce for the sake of their kids, we can't see into the hearts and minds of others, I guess we just make the assumption, rightly or wrongly that the majority of these people are happily married. Just like you don't know if all these people are secretly itching to have affairs or are happily monogamous.
I can understand your arguments though against monogamy, but I do notice that everyone for open marriages, conveniently forgets the collateral fall out of sleeping around and that is the poor innocent bunnies they sleep with! Of course people make it all sound so logical and reasonable, "we tell others upfront we are married and that it can only be a meaningless fling." For a start I doubt everyone is that honest. Secondly even if they are, and the other person agrees, unfortunately people's passions don't always work in a logical fashion, people can fall for others unintentionally, then what happens to the single person who has fallen in love even though the "rules" agreed to said they weren't allowed to, or the married person who falls for the other person.
Of course I will admit that serial monogamy causes just as many complications, you are with someone you love for ten years you get a divorce and marry someone else and suddenly the first spouse is never to be mentioned again, you can't go and "hang out" with them, you have to remove all their photographs, and you can't even make an innocent remark at a dinner party like "oh you just came back from Spain? Oh my ex and I had a great holiday in Spain, oh we had such a funny experience there let me tell you all about it." The whole table will go quiet because the ex is supposed to be dead to you, even though at one stage your world revolved around them and you may have parted on friendly terms.

So yes I agree that serial monogamy has it's problem but so does polygamy (or whatever you want to call it), many many people are very jealous, even people who have never considered themselves jealous can be shocked at the reaction they can have. You see some people may be ok with hubby having a one nighter with ms average, but next thing you know he hooks up with Australias top model, talks about how wonderful she is, or even if he gives you the respect of not talking about her, maybe he looks really cheerful whenever he sees her and all of a sudden you get a bad case of the green eyed monster. Or worse you let him hook up with Ms Average because you secretly think she is dat and ugly and she is no threat to you, so hey if he wants a bit on the side it may as well be her, but then suddenly you discover that he is all dewy eyed over her, finds her cellulite to be the sexiest thing he has ever seen, feels she is more emotionally attuned to him etc, and watch the green eyed monster pop out again.
The fact is the sexual urge isn't logical, so expecting anyone to act logical and reasonable in sexual relationships is a nice dream but not always the reality.

By the way I also want to mention that as far as I'm aware will and jada haven't confirmed they have an open relationship and even if they do, can we really say for sure if they are happy.

Look I do get your point that most people including myself completely discount the idea of non monogamy, whilst you certainly do have a point that a lot of monogamous relationships aren't working, but sometimes I get a bit depressed that we live in a world where sex is considered to be nothing other than some kind of athletic activity to be indulged in with just about anyone. I just feel like the world has thrown away passion and replaced it with sex. And maybe that is what people really crave, passion, in a world where we giggle and say how corny if someone uses the term make love, instead we have to talk about fucking someone, where we don't blink an eye at people talking about threesomes, where therapists routinely say things like, sex is good for you but if you say how much you long to be loved they tell you that shouldn't need another person to complete you, but they consider sex almost a necessity for people, so the inference is that if you long for love that you are inadequate but if you are sexually frustrated that's completely normal and you should go out and get laid.
I think so many people go out looking for sex because they actually want love and passion but that's very difficult to find so they hope a bout of passionless sex will fill the void and unfortunately like junk food it is only briefly satisfactory. I'm not by any means against people doing this, sometimes love isn't available and if casual sex helps you feel a tiny bit less lonely then why not but I know from my own experience that it is a poor substitute to love and passion, but of course it's not socially acceptable to tell people you crave and long for love and passion, so much more acceptable to tell people you really need some sex.