This just in: High heels are dead.

By KATE LEAVER

Stiletto fans, you’re not going to like this.

Sneaker fiends, you will.

THIS JUST IN: HIGH HEELS ARE DEAD.

Dead, dying, gone, over. Out of fashion.

Don’t take it from me; I’ve never been a fan of those pointy little fuckers and I’m not an authority on fashion. These are my favourite shoes, just so you know who you’re dealing with here:

Actual credible fashion people have said that the high heels era is over. Some have said it with actual words, others with a statement in the form of a crushed velvet flat, like Marc Jacobs.

In an article called “Are High Heels Dead?” (spoiler: yes), Christina Brinkley wrote for the Wall Street Journal:

Running shoes, Birkenstocks, Teva-type hiking sandals and Adidas-style slides were among the low shoes with a high profile during the recent spring fashion shows on the runway—and in the audience. Wide, flat footbeds, toe room, cushiony soles. Slaves to fashion have never been so comfortable.

She made her point visually too, with this beautiful pair of pinky goldy sneakers some famous Italian dude called Brunello Cucinelli made for Spring. Apparently, their very existence proves that heels are out and flats are in.

You know who else released flats this season? A list of people I’ve never heard of, that’s who: Pierre Hardy, Fendi, Carven, Fausto Puglisi, Hedi Slimane for Saint Laurent. They’re all very important, apparently, and have the very strange, specific power to dictate which pieces of fabric we wrap around our feet.

Truly, all those European style tycoons could have come to me years ago, when I drew this very handy, definitely scientifically valid graph:

(I really should have slipped THIS GUY a copy when I met him a few years ago. That’s Christian Louboutin, the guy who makes the shoes with the bright red soles – something I definitely knew when I posed for this photograph.)

Look, it’s about time we ditched those teeny tiny torture chambers. I can’t believe it’s 2014 and we’re still teetering around on six-inch stilts, telling ourselves it’s a sexy empowered choice. It’s not. It’s really not. Heels are an expensive form of bondage designed specifically to incapacitate a woman from walking like a man.

Look at this infographic and tell me high heels aren’t torturous. Go on, tell me it’s worth this level of disfigurement just to feel sassy. And tell me you can’t do your job better with your feet planted firmly on the ground (with the exception of a professional heels wearer).

Sure, I wear heels sometimes. When I absolutely have to. Weddings, formal or black tie events, awards ceremonies, that kind of thing. But I hate myself a little bit inside and I poll my friends and family extensively beforehand — “Are you sure I have to wear these? Why are my turquoise sandals so morally offensive to you people? Can’t we just all agree on bare feet?”

But as a general rule, I’m not OK with how much pressure footwear choice puts on my self-esteem – and my achilles tendon. I’m not OK with feeling powerless to run or escape in my heels. I’m not OK with knowing women who feel incomplete without their Jimmy Choos. Are you?

Break it down for me and ask yourself: Why do you wear heels? Who do you wear heels for? And are you willing to permanently damage the muscular structure of your feet just to elongate your calves for an evening?

When you could be wearing any one of these babies on your feet instead:

Long live the flat. The beautiful, sensible, comfortable flat.