Dear "dog people": You just haven't met the right cat yet.

Call yourself a “dog person”? You’re wrong. 

“If I saw a cat I’d set it on fire,” an aberration of human kindness somebody once said to me. (Anonymous pro-cat vigilantes should feel free to contact me for their home address.)

“I’m a dog person, obviously.”

And he isn’t the only one. Apparently, “dog people” are on the rise. They’re everywhere you go, stopping for a spot of dog-and-owner brunch on the way to a weirdly expensive Saturday morning dog beauty therapist.

Congratulations to @luv__acel for being today’s featured poodle! ???????? Thank you for sharing with us and be sure to see their full gallery at @luv__acel Please be sure to tag #poodlesofficial for your chance to be featured here on @poodlesofficial —————————————————

A photo posted by Poodles Official (@poodlesofficial) on Jul 8, 2015 at 5:39pm PDT

They’re flamboyant. They’re loud. They can’t stop taking Instagram photos of their dogs’ new haircut. And they’re waging a war against good, old-fashioned cats. Now, at the risk of sounding like someone’s know-it-all great aunt, I have to admit: when someone tells me they don’t like cats, I say, I’m pretty sure you’re wrong. You do like cats, deep down. Deep, deep down. You just haven’t met the right cat yet. Now, I know what you’re going to say: you know your own preferences better than I do. But hear me out. Perhaps you want to experiment with a dog a little before settling down. I support that, of course. No discrimination here! Dogs are fun, I suppose, for a little while. All that barking and playing fetch. All those runs on the beach and whimsical outdoorsy bonding moments. All that slobber and cardiovascular exercise. All that brunch and hairdressing. I’m sure it’s very exciting at first.

  “I got Macy when she was 12 weeks old in a grocery store parking lot. I was told she was German Shepard and supposed to get up to 80 pounds and they couldn’t handle her anymore and we’re taking her to the pound the next day. She got to 38 pounds and stopped and is the best dog in the entire world. She’s friends with everyone and everything and is always so excited. She has more energy than anything and has helped keep me active since the day I got her. We love to go on hikes together and here are some pictures of our adventures!” writes @mutt_named_macy and my owner is @jack_hiatt. #dogsofinstagram #dogs #dog   A photo posted by Dogs of Instagram (@dogsofinstagram) on Oct 21, 2015 at 1:00pm PDT

I’m just asking you not to burn any bridges in the process. It’s tough enough to meet a nice cat and settle down without any rumours going around about you being – if you don’t mind me saying it in company– a “dog person”. Have you considered that it was just one bad relationship with a cat that put you off? That grumpy old ginger who lived next door and gave you the evil eye is the exception, not the rule. Plenty more fish in the sea, as the cats would say! Why not take the time to look around some more? I know some cats that are very similar to dogs. One even fetches a tiny little ball! Isn’t that adorable? That would be almost exactly the same as having a dog, but without all the stigma! There are grumpy cats, and friendly cats, and cuddly cats, and active cats, and, oh, all kinds of different cats. In all seriousness, though, writing off cats altogether is a real shame. The truth is, cats give you things that other pets just don’t. Birds are highly unlikely to fall asleep in cooking pots.

 

From @Zappa_the_cat: “Hello! My name is Zappa! Sometimes I look like a bowl of ice cream!” #catsofinstagram

 

A photo posted by Cats of Instagram (@cats_of_instagram) on Sep 19, 2015 at 11:41am PDT

Fish simply cannot match a cat’s range of facial expressions.

From @katia_nicolas: “I guess my mom put some BOTOX in my whisker pads!” #catsofinstagram   A photo posted by Cats of Instagram (@cats_of_instagram) on Oct 15, 2015 at 1:55pm PDT

No rabbit has ever been this romantic.

From @kot_totosha: “cat Totosha declaration of love” #twitterweek #catsofinstagram ———————————– #TwitterWeek: Follow us on Twitter for a chance to be featured this week! A photo posted by Cats of Instagram (@cats_of_instagram) on Sep 7, 2015 at 8:18pm PDT

Guinea pigs do not have this capacity for excitement.

From @biggiemeows: “I LOVE TREES!” #catsofinstagram   A photo posted by Cats of Instagram (@cats_of_instagram) on Sep 3, 2015 at 4:31pm PDT

Snakes, as far as I know, can’t even read.

From @shanti_cat_ #catsofinstagram A photo posted by Cats of Instagram (@cats_of_instagram) on Sep 17, 2015 at 7:58pm PDT

And — no matter what anyone tells me — I refuse to believe there are dogs out there who’ll sit on your lap without moving for 17 hours while you watch every episode of the final season of Grey’s Anatomy and cry into their damp fur.

From @my_furry_babies: “Joey & baby Morrison :)” #catsofinstagram A photo posted by Cats of Instagram (@cats_of_instagram) on Oct 14, 2015 at 7:57am PDT

All I’m saying is, there’s a cat out there for everyone. There’s no need to go looking for a dog when I know you’d be perfectly happy with a nice, respectable cat at your side.

And besides, they clean themselves. Think of the money you’d save on haircuts.

Not convinced? Click through the gallery.