This time of year is important to me.
I don’t celebrate Easter outside of gorging myself on chocolate, but nonetheless, this time of year is important to me. Not because of any religious significance, and not because of any traditions I follow. Rather, it is special because this time of year means I get to enjoy four days off work, which is time I can spend uninterrupted with my delicious little boy.
I get to watch him giggle and learn as he plays. I get to fall asleep with him when he has his lunchtime nap, holding him in my arms as he gently purrs next to my face. I get to play trains with him for hours on the lounge room floor. And although my gratitude for these moments is always there, it is more palpable at Easter.
This time of year is when many celebrate religious beliefs and/or the visit of a fictitious chocolate-laden bunny. But for me, Easter is a time to remember that two years ago, I came dangerously close to missing out on all the blissful moments of being a mum to my son. Because while friends and family were happily feasting on beer and seafood, and gleefully inhaling handfuls of chocolate eggs, in Easter 2012, I fell victim to post-natal depression, and convinced myself that it was time to die.
Two years ago my son had spent the first eleven days of his life not in my arms, but in a humidicrib attached to drips and tubes. After contracting a bacterial infection at birth, he was whisked away from us in the delivery room and taken to the special care nursery. I spent every day sitting by his side, wondering what I had done wrong; how I had caused his illness. My husband, always a pillar of strength, never left my side. He was as traumatised as I was.
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So many parts of your story I could have written, except for the supportive husband. I was so unwell I needed to see a psychiatrist for medication management which meant I needed help looking after our child. My husband resented me for this, accusing me of 'loving' being so unwell because I 'got out' of fully caring for our child, and making me feel guilty for needing his help.
I have fully recovered and have two wonderful children. Plus a mountain of guilt that I gave one of thm such a horrible start in life. Plus a ruined relationship with my inlaws who I was close to before all this because of my inability to cope with a newborn. My husband and I have no closeness in our relationship anymore, nor do I have any desire for any as I cannot forgive him for how he basically made me feel like I was on my own in recovering from the hell that is PND.
I recommend anybody suffering from depression tries the Destroy Depression System.
Written by someone who recovered from depression, it teaches a 7 step process which helps to regain control over your life.