"An affair helped my marriage"

It’s easy to say that you’d just leave. That you’d pack up the kids and the dog and run away to Mexico. Or your mother’s house.

But if it actually happened – if you found out that  your partner had cheated on you – could you walk away? Would you walk away?

Bones actor David Boreanaz says his affair strengthened his relationship with his wife of 10 years, Jaime Bergman.

That’s right, he says that his affair with Rachel Uchitel (recognise the name? She was also Tiger Woods’ mistress) acted as a “bonding experience in the long run” for him and his wife.

The SMH reports:

Boreanaz and wife Jaime Bergman have been married since 2001. In May 2010 Boreanaz went public about an affair he had with former “No 1” mistress of golf star Tiger Woods Rachel Uchitel.

Boreanaz believes his liaison with Uchitel has had a positive impact on his marriage.

“[The affair turned into] a bonding experience, in the long run,” Boreanaz told TV Week.

Boreanaz credits his unfaithfulness to a dark internal desire. The actor was emotionally scattered when he hooked up with Uchitel.

“In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive,” Boreanaz explained.

“There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you,” says the Bones actor, whose previous television work includes starring roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.

Boreanaz will do anything to keep his marriage together. He is willing to battle for his love despite difficulties.

“Do I believe in giving up? No, I don’t. I’m a fighter. I’m a lover,” Boreanaz said.

Sound hard to believe?

Well, leading Australian psychologist Jo Lamble (who you may have seen at our Family Life Forums around the country, or on The Today Show) says maybe not:

“I wouldn’t ever encourage someone to have an affair to make their relationship stronger. But many relationships do survive an affair and some are stronger after it. But (and there’s a very big but) if the relationship is stronger following infidelity, it’s because of all the hard work that goes into repairing the damage caused by the betrayal. Why not do the work without having the affair?”

Here are Jo’s tips on how to survive an affair:

1. Person having the affair needs to cease all contact with the other person (very difficult if it’s a workmate)
2. Both parties need to recommit to the relationship
3. Some time needs to be spent on answering all the betrayed person’s questions, and giving heaps of reassurance and empathy and showing remorse
4. A line is drawn in the sand when the questions stop
5. Issues in the relationship start to be addressed – that is, the work that should have been done all along begins

Jo Lamble is a Clinical Psychologist who has been in private practice for the past 20 years. She sees individuals, couples, and groups and specialises in relationship issues.

Jo is the resident psychologist on Channel 9′s Today show and also writes a weekly column for Woman’s Day. Jo also gives corporate seminars and speeches on relationship, family and parenting issues. She is regularly heard being interviewed on radio across the country each week.

She is the author of Answers to everyday questions about relationships.

What do you think? Does an affair have to end a relationship?