"Why I’m not going to ask you when you’re having kids."

Is it really any of our business?

I used to say, “I’m never having kids” when people asked. Did I mean it? I think so. I certainly knew when I wasn’t ready for kids. So what changed? Was it the sound of a ticking clock? Was it the oozy feeling I got when I looked at my two-year-old niece smearing food on her mum’s top? I don’t know.

All I know is suddenly I wanted out of the “I’m never having kids club” and into the “parenthood club”, with a few caveats of course (we all start off like that, don’t we?). I was determined not to completely lose who I was. I was determined to continue working as hard as I could, to not get distracted by ovulation calculators, but create a child romantically.

Anyone who has tried for a child for more than six months knows that none of this is possible. All of a sudden you’re not in either club, but in some agonising halfway land, where you’re obsessing about where you want to be, and resenting where you are. It’s not pleasant.

But my and my husband’s “make the most of it” attitude of going out and enjoying ourselves while we remained untethered to another human being certainly helped soften the blow. What didn’t was the general public’s assumption that they could ask me when we were going to start a family.

Eventually I got pregnant – but even then I found myself indignant when those out of the know asked if I was planning on having children. What business was it of theirs? What’s with the assumption that I want kids in the first place?

For some reason, the fact that I was married and over the age 30 meant that people felt they were entitled to ask me not if I was going to reproduce, but when!  I feel complaining about that after I have children sounds somewhat hypocritical, but the fact that I have chosen to have a child doesn’t make it any less rude to make assumptions (now it’s ‘when are you having another’) about my life choices. Zooey Deschanel was recently quoted saying that asking about a women’s child-free status doesn’t become more acceptable if the woman wants kids – I couldn’t agree more!

When you’re trying to conceive there is nothing more soul-destroying than having people hassle you about when you’re going to have kids (actually, it’s probably second to that feeling that everyone else around you is getting pregnant without trying). Sure, people may not know you’re trying – in my case I kept saying I didn’t want to have kids even while I was cutting down my caffeine intake and calculating ovulation – but that doesn’t make it any less rude.

Then, getting the question when you are pregnant, desperately trying to hide it. Sure, I may have abstained from the soft cheese and champagne, but that’s no reason to ask me about it. Keep your theories to yourself!

Emotions aside, there are myriad reasons to abstain from asking the family question – basic politeness and a little old-fashioned mind-your-own-business being top of the list – I’m not sure why mere acquaintances feel they can ask me when I’m having kids when they can’t tell me my partner’s name. Remember, some people have trouble conceiving, some people can’t conceive and some people just don’t want to, and there’s absolutely no reason why we should question that.

Would you ever ask someone when they are planning to have children?

 Want more? Try these:

"I obsessively planned for a third kid. I got it wrong."

"Stop asking me why I have such a big family. I wanted it this way."