Eight easy ways to improve your social netball team.

Social netball is the best forty minutes of the week.

We giggle, we chat, occasionally we throw a ball towards a hoop on a pole.

But it’s time to step it up a notch, people.

I’m not talking about getting more skilled. Who has time to practice stuff? I’m talking about shortcuts. The quickest, simplest things you can do to take your team to the next level (without actually moving up a division, because that div looks haaaard and who can be bothered??).

To be clear, I’m not a coach or a professional. Well, that’s a lie. My team did win the runners-up medal at the Ladies B-grade Div 2 Monday Night Social Netball competition this year. But still, I will humbly say that my advice, like a tequila slammer, should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Here we go.

8 easy ways to improve the shit out of your social netball team.

1. Get some proper uniforms.

If I see a chick in a netball skirt, I know she’s done this before. They may say “never judge a book by it’s cover”… but if a team are all wearing Lorna Jane printed t-shirts with perfect matching skorts, you know they’ve got their shit together.

2. Do some drills.

No matter how crap your team is, if you rock up five minutes early and do some complicated-looking drills with everyone in a line throwing a ball really fast, the other team will recoil with intimidation.

3. Less chat, more huddle.

Heads together in a circle just looks profesh. Before the game and at every quarter time, stand in a circle and huddle. Doesn’t matter if you talk about the game, your strategy, or where you’re going for fro-yo afterwards, just do it with your heads together while the other team cowers in the corner from fear of your talent.

4. Yell out really positive things to your team.

I don’t just mean your average “nice one!” when one of your players intercepts the ball. Use your team’s compliments to get inside the minds of the other team. “Good work shooters! You guys are UNSTOPPABLE tonight!” “Nice defence! You’re on fire, no one can get past you!” Soon enough, the opponents will have your voice inside their head, subliminally telling them they DON’T got this.

5. Be super-duper nice to your opponent.

Smack talk is for amateurs. Suck up to your opponent. Engage her in a conversation about the weather, and then move on to current events. And just when she’s sharing her feelings about the economic crisis in Venezuela, BAM! Run to the other end of the court and get the ball unopposed.

6. Hand signals.

You know in baseball how the catcher signals something to the pitcher? No idea what it means, but jeeeeez it looks good. Do it. Whenever you take a penalty shot or a centre pass, point at one of your players, make a quick fist, point at someone else, touch year ear and nose, and then play. Doesn’t have to mean anything, but the other players will be confused. Even better, point at one of them during the hand signal, and then they’ll be just plain scared.

7.  Have a playbook.

Fill an exercise book with circles, crosses and arrows, and then gather around and look at it closely. Point to members of the other team. Refer to the ‘death zone’ and the ‘flying V’. If none of these moves ever make it to court, it doesn’t matter – the other team gave up when they saw you take the playbook out of your bag.

8. High-five a lot. A LOT.

In professional basketball games, the players high-five non-stop. Implement the same distractive technique into your game. Every time you score a goal, high-five. Every time you run past each other, high-five. There will be so many loud slapping noises, the other team will get disorientated and fall down. And then definitely high-five.

As you may have noticed, I am in no way a professional netball player, nor should you take any of my advice seriously.

It’s not about winning. We all know, the second most important thing in netball is to have fun (the most important is to choose non-wedgifying underwear).

Like the Wing Attack around the goal circle, I’m just here if you need.