Why having a lover with a big belly is better for your sex life.

I used to be a bit bummed that I couldn’t wrap my arms around my husband‘s middle. I’d try, but my fingers…just…couldn’t…quite…reach.

“Stop eating Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs while you’re at work,” I’d yell and stomp away. Sometimes I’d try and play the kid-card. “You need to lose weight for the kids. They need you around for a long time. Think about the children!”

He’s been trying to lose his gut in earnest for the past six months but it’s a case of two steps forward and three steps back. I see that he is trying so I’ve chosen to back off. I don’t love him any less, I just wish he could do is belt up around his middle instead of pulling it down so that it rests underneath his gut.

“See hon, I’m still using the same belt I used to use in my twenties. Yay me.”

Well, he didn’t actually say, “Yay me” but that was the implication.

Then, this morning, I received an early Christmas present in the form of a study that has found men with bigger bellies make better lovers. This must be one of those studies researchers do to have a break from researching cures for cancer because I don’t suppose it is really necessary. However it’s made me a bit happier to know this because that means my husband must be a XXXL lover. That’s his shirt size. I used to hide this fact, snipping those little clothing tags off but now I feel quite proud of it. I want to sew them on the outside of his shirts.

I always knew there was a reason why I was never interested in seeing the Magic Mike movies. This scene from the movie is not hot at all. 

All those Ryan Gosling/Channing Tatum types are way too busy at the gym and guzzling protein shakes to satisfy their women, clearly. If they knew better they’d replace the gym with the bedroom and the protein shakes with thick shakes.

Then we can GET, IT, ON.

Okay, clearly I’m a bit carried away with excitement and am too busy gushing about my husband’s big belly now that I know the benefits…

However we do need to talk about the science behind it because it’s actually quite interesting.

Remember those scientists I mentioned earlier? The ones clearly taking a break from more important research to deliver us this wonderful news? They come from Erciyes University in Kayseri, Turkey and their “comprehensive” survey of 200 men found that those with bigger bellies had more stamina in the bedroom. They can last longer.

Oh, oh, oh, I know why they have extra stamina. Their bellies are so big that mid-sex-act they can actually have a little rest on them. They don’t have to support their entire body weight on their hands and elbows, their big guts support some of the weight too.

Not it Jo, say the researchers. It’s way more scientific than that. They found that men with extra fat round the stomach area have more estradiol which is a female sex hormone which helps delay orgasms for males. The men who took part in the study who had bigger bellies lasted on average 7.3 minutes longer than their more trim counterparts.

I know, I know, it’s not exactly comfortable having sex with a man with a very large tummy. They can’t be on top too closely or you can’t actually breath. However I must say that my husband’s weight has never affected our sex lives. That’s always been a-okay.

I’m thinking of a new ad campaign for Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs as a result of this research. Give me a minute. I’ll come up with a new slogan any second…

Researchers did point out that while being bigger around the belly means better sex for men (and their lucky partners), it can impact their long-term health. Ya don’t say?

Actually, last year my husband ended up in hospital with pneumonia and was really sick. When he got home he couldn’t last any time at all because he couldn’t breathe, but he’d been told to exercise as much as possible to get his lungs working again and we thought that our attempts at sex constituted exercise so kept trying. Secretly, I used it to measure how much he was improving because I was so damn scared when he was sick.

It took a couple of weeks but he finally got there and we were all celebrating…him, me and his snuggle-tum. It’s like a sex aid really, so I may as well name it something cute. Snuggle-tum, belly-bear, giggle-gut?

I for one am so relieved there are researchers in the world staying on top of some of the forgotten issues such as the relationship between belly size and performance in the bedroom. I plan to use this study to advocate a change in how we view men and their bodies. Forget Magic Mike and their rock hard pathetically flat abs.

There’s a new ideal body image in town, and I’ve got me one of that.