What's on your Anti-Bucket List?

by DAVID M. GREEN

Everyone is talking about ticking things off their bucket list these days. But just as important as things you want to do before you die, are things you don’t.

So I’ve decided to create an “Anti-Bucket List”.

These are things that I NEVER want to do again. Alas, I’m probably not at the stage where I can consistently avoid partaking in these activities… But I’m working towards it.

Here are the first seven things in no particular order:

1. Work for less than $30 an hour.

It was only 3 years ago I was making $9 an hour delivering pizzas around the south western suburbs of Adelaide… $9… when I was 21… I’d like to say thankfully those days are long gone, but it’s always been at the back of my mind that I may someday find I’m forced to give up this comedy caper and go back into retail to pay the bills. Oh God please no!

However, I’ve recently made the decision that $30 is going to be my minimum hourly rate. Anything less than that is not worth the time of TV’s David M. Green. That is of course until I have no other alternative.

2. Lift heavy furniture.

I’m not a labourer. I’m whitey white collar. Furniture-lifting is just not my forte. Even people who do it for a living, who actually enjoys moving heavy objects? Nobody.

Especially because I’m living on the 3rd floor with no elevator, now seems the right time to give up lifting furniture. And assuming I can abide by my $30/hr rule, I should be able to avoid it.

Until of course I can’t.

3. Be without an exhaust fan in my kitchen or bathroom.

No exhaust fan in a kitchen usually results in the smoke detector going off. No exhaust fan in the bathroom usually results in mould.

It’s not so bad in the warmer months. But come winter, when you’re forced to have the window open to stop a cloud from forming in the bathroom with 100% humidity and zero visibility, the need for a fully functional exhaust fan is obvious.

4. Listen to Nickelback.

If I have any influence at all over a volume knob when Nickelback starts emitting from nearby speakers, that knob is spinning anti-clockwise.

I don’t like them. I just don’t like them.

5. Run out of hot water.

Running out of hot water is irritating. Running out of hot water suddenly when you’re 60% through a shower is comparable to water-boarding… probably.

Perhaps the only thing more irritating is when you’re taking a shower in a large building with several outlets using the same hot water system, which results in your shower temperature fluctuating randomly. At least when it’s running out, you can compensate by turning the cold tap closer and closer to off until finally you’re using 100% hot tap.

Unlimited hot water for all! It’s a basic right!

6. Use a top-loading washing machine.

Top-loaders suck. They wrinkle your clothes far more than front-loading washing machines, meaning you have to waste more time ironing things that shouldn’t need ironing.

7. Eat mayonnaise in any form.

Unlike cheeseburgers, chips, chocolate and soft drink; mayonnaise is probably the only fattening substance I don’t want to just gorge myself on. I am not a fan. I don’t need it. By all means, keep that mayonnaise for yourself. I’m good.

David M. Green is a Melbourne-based comedian, writer, voice-actor and host of the hilariously low budget TV game show “31 Questions”. He’s a proud advocate for light rail, ’80s new wave music and cranberry sauce. You can find his website here or follow him on Twitter here.

What makes your Anti-Bucket List?