The top 5 TomKat conspiracy theories

It’s the biggest divorce since, well, Tom Cruise’s last divorce.  You can read all the facts about the TomKat split here and you probably should, because the question everyone will be asking each other this week is this: “Why Did Katie End It?”

Yes, the end of any relationship is sad. And yes, when there are children involved, it’s even sadder. But there’s something about Tom Cruise that seems to incite reasonable, intelligent, compassionate adults to huddle together in tea rooms, mothers groups, watercoolers, cafes, playgrounds and dinner tables and ask each other “What do YOU think the real story is?”

It seems everybody has a theory about why Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from her Scientologist husband of 5 years. There are entire websites dedicated to some of the more outlandish ones and yes, they’re almost all unsubstantiated. But when you’re the most famous couple in the world and you have conducted your relationship very publicly from the moment you met (e.g. COUCH, OPRAH etc), then it’s extremely difficult to turn off the tap of public interest. This, in essence, is the result.

So. Let’s be clear. We’re not suggesting any of these theories are true. But with all the wild speculation, rumour and innuendo that’s been buzzing around the globe in the past 48 hours, we’ve broken it down into The Top 5 Conspiracy theories:

1. Tom auditioned his potential wives

Former Scientologist Marc Headley says that following the Penelope Cruz split of 2004, Tom Cruise had a notoriously difficult time trying to find another suitably high profile movie star to date. So he held auditions.  That’s right, under the guise of a casting call for one of his movies, Cruise set out to interview the likes of Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, for the role of poster girl for Scientology and his girlfriend/wife.

2. Tom Cruise’s marriages all involve elaborate legal contracts

Apparently Holmes and Cruise signed a detailed legal contract that bound her to him for LIFE, or at the very least, it provided an incentive to stay married to an alleged self absorbed control freak. Rumour has it, that Katie was entitled to additional cash if she managed to make it to 10 years and that there would be a bonus payment (kind of like performance pay?) if she gave birth to another child. The actual prenup has not been made public but there are reports Holmes will receive $3 million in cash for each year of marriage and be allowed to keep all of her own earnings for the past five years. So ladies, if you’re going to marry Tom Cruise – you might want to consider holding on to your day job.

3. Tom divorces all his wives when they turn 33

For those of you who are long time star-gazers, you would remember that Tom has – wait for it…. been MARRIED TWICE BEFORE. Katie is his third wife, he was previously married to Mimi Rogers and (our) Nicole Kidman. All three ladies were 33 years old when they divorced Tom. 33. All of them. And even more significantly, Mimi was born in 1956, Nicole in 1967, Katie Holmes in 1978 – which means that not only is Tom a serious cradle snatcher but each wife has been exactly 11 years younger than the one before. That’s one spooky co-incidence. Also, also, also (if you’re still with me, then you’re really getting into the spirit) 3 wives x 11 year age differences = 33. The age they are at the point of divorce! AND 33 is a significant number for Scientologists.

4. Tom is not Suri’s father

Throughout his first two marriages (which produced no biological children), Tom Cruise was the subject of persistent rumours that he is sterile. So when Katie’s pregnancy was announced so soon after she hooked up with Tom, a few theories bubbled to the surface. The most outlandish was that Scientology founder L.Ron. Hubbard was the baby’s father. Even more interesting was the fact that L.Ron died in 1986. ‘His sperm had been frozen’ went the rumours which the Tom Camp fervently denied.

So could Suri have been fathered by someone else? The most likely living candidate was Katie’s former fiance, Chris Klein, the actor she’d been dating for five years and only broke up with a few weeks before getting together with Tom. Add all of this speculation to the fact that  photo-merging technology, which is able to make any small child look exactly like the alleged parent – works exactly as promised in the Chris Klein/Suri Cruise scenario. And perhaps most conclusively, there were reports back in 2005 from a source who – get this – passed a lie detector test – and is adamant that a personal conversation with Chris Klein suggested that Katie could have been pregnant at the time of their split.

Well of course Suri Cruise is real. She’s the most fashionable kindergartener in the world. She also has a burn book. However at the time of Suri’s birth there was much chatter about how Katie Holmes was never in fact pregnant. You see, Katie’s fluctuating baby-bump (it’s big! its smaller! it’s lop-sided!) was the source of intense speculation in the lead up to the ‘silent birth’ (which is mandatory among Scientologists).

On top of this comes the comes the fact that Suri had no birth certificate for almost 3 weeks after she was born and that the certificate wasn’t signed by anyone who actually saw the newborn or her mother in the hospital. And in near conclusive proof that something fishy was going on – when Suri made her debut on the cover of Vanity Fair – a whole 5 months after her birth – she did not look her reported age.

Have you heard any other crazy TomKat split rumours?