The Celebrity Apprentice recapped: butts, boats and Blake.

Here goes nothing.

There’s hardly any point in watching this show anymore since maniac Gabi Grecko was booted off in a blaze of pleather and synthetic hair last week, but mama’s got to pay the bills so here goes.

The show opens with a recap of last week’s show (no need, get it here) and a teaser of the horrors to come this episode. Spoiler alert: bums.

“Sydney, 8am,” the untrustworthy voice-over tells us as we watch a montage of busy city types striding the streets to conduct important city business.

Both the boys and the girls vow to win this week — the boys because they enjoyed the look on Gina’s face when she was defeated, and the girls because they enjoyed it only marginally less so.

Sworn enemies/star-crossed lovers Richard and Blake are in a car together, with little Geoffrey in the middle as a buffer, en route to some mystery destination.

They snipe at each other bitchily, smile smarmily, then glare out the windows. It’s just like our family car trips to Bundaberg with my brother and I in the back seat every Christmas, only they’re not fighting over the arm rest.

Sideshow Dormer, in a different car, speculates as to what could be happening as they arrive at Circular Quay. “Do you reckon we’re going in a boat?!”

“I knew I should’ve worn stroipes!” says Sophie Monk.

Royal Prank DJ Mel Greig tells us that out of everyone, she’d like to beat Blake most of all, to avenge Sam Frost to take him down a peg or two because he thinks he’s the mayor of Chilli Town and he’s just NOT.*

The celebrities mill around on the dock while they brainstorm pirate words (Sideshow Dormer: “Murder!”) and they’re so into it they don’t notice the entrance of Daddy Warbucks and his business henchwomen Kerri-Anne Kennerley and that other blonde woman who isn’t KAK.

The mogul has spoken: the teams will each take over a tall ship and run tours of the harbour for unsuspecting tourists.

The tours will be themed and catered and the celebrities will provide entertainment. So… I guess Blake could hand out some roses? And Miss Universe Australia could reprise the talent section of the show? Pretty sure she played recorder and sang Frere Jacques.

Our celebrities have their phones returned to them so that they may access their extensive contact lists of fellow former reality show contestants and washed up soap stars.

We have not yet caught a glimpse of James Mathison. I suspect he’s scarpered because he’d rather starve than ever converse with Tim Dormer again.

Oh wait, there he is! He appears to be trying to inconspicuously join the girls’ team.

Gina tells us she doesn’t like boats. A reliable source informs me that boats are not huge fans of Gina, either.

She’s not allowed aboard in high heels but refuses to put on a pair of white canvas boat shoes. “I’m not going to be filmed doing this!” she wails as though someone’s busted in on her mid-wee.

Challenge accepted.

Gina – 0, camera guy – 1.

“I’ll walk off-set! Seriously, I am not going to be a diva about it” – LOLOLOLOL – “but I think I should be respected!”

Down to business: picking project managers. Blake volunteers in his trademark deep register that Richard finds so threatening/titillating.

Richard offers to be his second-in-command but is shot down by Blake who heartlessly offers the spot to Muscles Cooper instead. Rejection hurts. These two crazy kids will get it together eventually.

I suspect that Blake is simply after work-out tips to get mad shredded after last week’s to-strip-or-not-to-strip debacle, anyway.

James hasn’t uttered a single word but his eyes speak volumes.

“Can I be with you guys and do food and stuff?” Richard asks needily.

“Yeah… if you like,” says Sideshow Dormer doubtfully. Cut to confessional face-to-camera bit where he basically tells us he can’t stand Richard and intends to torment him. Now we know how he won Big Brother.

The Love Rat designates the sales team as himself, James and Geoffrey, who looks pitifully pleased to be needed.

Everyone’s pleased to have their phones and contacts back, but Geoffrey doesn’t care either way — he’s been rockin’ his little black book for decades.

Over on the lady boat Ms Monk is made team leader so she calls Matt Moran and asks him to be their team’s celebrity chef. Nice call, team leader! This kid’s got upper management written all over her.

Comes the response, “Did you know there are two Matt Morans?”

Sophie’s accidentally called Matt Moran, you know, her brother’s mate? This setback proves enough to deter her from speaking to any more Matt Morans today.

Alleged actress Esther and Royal Prank DJ Mel hit the supermarket to sort out their catering.

“We really want gourmet, to set the tone of the day,” says RPDJ as they select from the gastronomic wonders at the Coles deli counter. Cabana and cabanossi it is! Oh, with cubes of Coon on a toothpick? Class.

At the checkout, the alleged actress discovers she has misplaced the $250 catering money that Daddy Warbucks gave them.

“I don’t know how it came about,” she ponders ineffectually, which is kind of how I feel about this show. Money is found, non-existent drama solved, cabanossi bought and paid for.

Over to the dude ship lollipop and Barry White-voiced love rat Blake’s team is selling tickets to their “pirate cruise”.

“Is was difficult selling to the public when one of the people who approaches you is a 70-year-old man in bright yellow,” says James. I don’t get it. Who wouldn’t buy a ticket to a dodgy cruise from a tiny, yellow-clad man with unnaturally dark hair?

Meanwhile, Gina, Monk and Miss Universe Australia are heading somewhere on foot but they’re hindered by Gina, who’s replaced her plimsolls with her stupid red stilettos and now can’t walk at a normal human pace.

Tegan has donned her Miss Universe Australia sash, but yet again, it serves as a deterrent to the general public and a hindrance to her forward propulsion.

Dormer’s on the boy’s food mission, gathering foodstuffs with Muscles and Richard Reid, who is still simmering with sexual desire anger at Blake. Oh god, my cabanossi joke is becoming a reality. They’re selecting toothpicks and blocks of cheddar to “cube”.

“I’ve never had much catering experience,” says Sideshow Dormer. “But as a kid, fairy bread always went off at parties!” It pains me but I must concur with this statement.

Geoff is receiving praise from his teammates, who may have been too quick in writing him off as a preposterous fantasist. He’s got some big sales out of his retro rolodex. That is, when he’s not on the phone to his ousted wife Gabi or accidentally butt-dialling Blake.

“I put on my pirate outfit, including a wig that made me resemble Johnny Depp,” says preposterous fantasist Geoffrey.

While everyone else has gotten into the spirit of things in costumes and wigs, love rat Blake is still striding around in chinos and a sport coat. His only concession to the theme seems to be a pair of knee high boots which you know he fancies make his calves look ace.

I still have no idea what kind of theme the girls have devised. “The girls have chosen a sexy nautical theme,” the voice-over informs me, and for once it’s not lying.

They only sold seven tickets to the public EVEN with the help of Tegan’s Miss Universe Australia sash, but they got more from their contacts.

The girls’ ship looks like a gathering of prospective investors in a an exciting tech venture. The boys’ guests look like they’re up for a Contiki tour.

Well, well, well, what manufactured drama completely unexpected spanner in the works do we have here?

The totally random visitor (who thoughtfully brought her own mic pack) is only able to yell Geoffrey’s name plaintively a few times before the ships set sail. This was a huge disappointment. If you’re going to bother getting Gabi all the way down to the quay, at least let her create a scene.

For want of a better word or anything of use to share, all the boys say “ARGH”  a lot. They really made fairy bread and they really put processed meat and cubed cheese onto toothpicks. KAK cannot believe this is happening to her.

Blake makes his usual error of thinking he is wooing women by using his deep voice to lull them into a state of amorous devotion, but really it’s so low that most women’s ears can’t pick up his register.

“Mate, like, a pretty face and a deep voice doesn’t cut it,” says the surprisingly insightful Sideshow Dormer.

Alleged actress Esther mounts a barrel and starts belting out Turn Back Time. The guests begin looking around for planks to walk. The henchwoman who’s not KAK is not amused.

Oh, the awkwardness. She’s even “Woo!”-ing and exhorting the crowd to clap along. This is the worst thing that’s happened to anyone, ever.

“Oh my god, if we could all turn back time,” quips that wag RPDJ.

Next, Gina takes the mike and embarks on a monologue of such self-congratulation for her own “achievements” that I now believe the cheese-cubers might have it.

“I’ve got a shoe range; I’m working on a fragrance at the moment,” she says. Anyone fancy eau de Gina? What would that smell like? I think a combination of tears and new shoe leather.

Holy crap. Dormer is giving an historical tour of the harbour and correctly points out Kirribilli House, then correctly states that it was built in 1854. He’s using his iPhone, surely?

He isn’t. I feel woozy.

OK, here come the butts we were promised. Sideshow Dormer drops his pants and presents his cheeks for the viewing pleasure of then-Prime Minister Tony Abbott.

Sure, it’s a puerile gesture, but Dormer? A political animal? I’m impressed.

KAK is not. She feels threatened, but once she realises that hers is a butt that cannot be usurped in the Australian public’s affection, she allows herself a small smirk.

Tourists are now joining Dormer in throwing two cheeks to the breeze. This was a masterstroke.

Finally, they dock. Now for the best bit: ELIMINATION. Oh, I can’t decide which one I want to leave most!

Esther the alleged actress tells us she doesn’t want to be in the bottom three. Thanks for that, Esther. That’s so interesting. I never would’ve guessed.

AWWWWWWWW snap! The camera picks up Blake whispering that Richard is “just an attention whore” which is a bit rich coming from Australia’s premiere love rat.

Meanwhile, attention whore Richard is wearing a suit that looks like Gianni Versace rose from the dead and puked on it.

Resting-bitch-face secretary tells the celebs that Daddy Warbucks will see them now.

The music is serious and so is Daddy Warbucks. No one’s even smirking at this hilarious situation, not even Sideshow Dormer. Not even his butt.

“Mr Bouris” launches into a boring speech about how important the boardroom is to him and that it’s “his domain”. What he’s saying is, firing people is his happy place. For me, it’s being surrounded by loved ones, but each to their own.

Daddy now makes them all tear each other down, which they dutifully do.

Mr Warbucks makes all the others talk about how much Gina sucks. RPDJ says Gina seemed to think it was “her 40th birthday party” which is extreme shade because you know Gina’s one of those women who turns 39 eighteen times.

Ooooh, goodie. Now for the alleged actress. I thought they’d jump straight to ragging on her Cher atrocity, but RPDJ is still mad about that money situation. Build a bridge, Mel! She found it, jeez.

Now to the boys’ slinging match.

Richard’s menu is at issue. Muscles Cooper lists the kids party menu he prepared/took out of packaging: chips, dips, cheese, meats, fruit kebabs (!) and fairy bread.

“It bordered on tragic,” says KAK. “Virtually inedible.”

Daddy Warbucks asks who led “that brilliant piece of menuing”. Who invented that brilliant piece of wording, Bouris? Christ.

Richard puts his hand up and says the menu sucked so hard because he wasn’t able to add “flourish”. Please explain?

“Dressin’ up that lunch meat! Putting some magic dust on it!” which, if he’s referring to cocaine, would have had the desired effect.

Dad’s not purchasing what Richard is attempting to sell.

OK this is it, get your popcorn people. Now it’s on.

Blake denies any responsibility for the food debacle. Daddy W asks Richard to comment on his performance *fist in mouth with anticipatory glee*.

“Ineffectual,” he responds as James looks on with an expression I imagine is identical to mine.

“I felt that Blake was slightly passive aggressive in his leadership style.”

Geoffrey proves Blake’s unexpected hero. “Certainly the fruit kebabs disappeared before I even got a quarter of the way around,” he says. Little waiter Geoff! Who wouldn’t take one?

James dobs in Tim Dormer for mooning the PM — good one, James! Dad is pissed, possibly because he’s besties with Tony in which case, take him for a beer, dude. He really needs to talk.

Gina says Dormer’s full moon was “completely inappropriate” and that the crowd on the girls’ boat was much more refined. She lacks humour and is a dobber. Sideshow Dormer calls a spade a spade: “They were boring! A bunch of stiffs!”

OK, shut up everyone!

Boys: $6053

Girls: $40,975

WOWZER. That’s going to the Make A Wish foundation. That’s a very nice chunk of money.

The girls are smug as hell.

“As team leader I will take my portion of the blame,” the deep-voiced one pronounces. In Blake’s mind, that’s a very small portion. “My downfall is that sometimes, I’m too sexy.” OK, he didn’t say that last bit.

Richard’s food is the real culprit, Blake says. Richard blames Blake. So does everyone else. Now Richard and Blake are sniping at each other again. GET A ROOM, LOVEBIRDS!

Richard says Blake’s out to get him. Blake smirks like an evil villain.

Blake chooses Richard (duh) to come back to the boardroom. Also chooses poor little Geoff who hasn’t really followed most of this conversation.

Richard gets shrill and accuses Blake of a vendetta. Blake’s voice gets deeper and deeper. Richard starts saying mostly meaningless things that rhyme, such as “I missed the word class, and clearly I made an ass of myself.”

Mystifyingly, the conversation turns to pigs and mutton and lamb. I am lost, but basically I believe Richard is still pissed that he didn’t get to see Blake’s Garveys last week.

“Blake… you’re fired!” Daddy Warbucks points the dreaded finger at Australia’s love rat and with that, his Barry White baritone and fabulous calves are once more banished from our screens. Where will Blake and his Garveys turn up next time?

I like to think off-camera Richard danced in a circle around him singing “in your face!” and throwing lunch meat at him.

*Sporadic Simpsons references may appear here. If you are unfamiliar with them, watch more TV.