REVIEW: We read 'Grey', the 50 Shades sequel, so you don't have to (You're welcome).

Biting lips and twitching cocks. Yep, another Fifty Shades of Grey book has been released.

When I was assigned the very-important-journalistic-task of reading Grey, E.L. James’ newest book, that’s the colour my face went. Because as the resident prude-in-residence at Mamamia, I can’t even mention the word peen without going a bit wobbly at the knees.

But I am nothing if not professional.  So naturally I marched confidently into the bookstore to proudly purchase the latest installment of the people’s porn.

E.L. James’ new book has been out for precisely one day and it’s DEFINITELY a really well-considered tome. It’s DEFINITELY NOT just something whacked together in a hasty attempt to spin out another few million dollars from a one trick penis pony. Cough.

Our brilliant-but-damanged billionare playboy is back at it again with his bumbling submissive, Ana. Except this time, the book is written from HIS perspective.  It’s pretty much just E.L.James sitting back, lighting cigars with $100 bills and joking ‘You know what? I can’t be rooted coming up with another storyline. Let’s just roll out the exact same story told slightly differently.’

Here’s the rub:

It’s pretty much exactly the same as the old book. All your favourite scenes are there: stalking in the hardware store, her getting drunk and having a vom in the club, the bit where he whips out her pesky sanitary product because he clearly sees it as a non-essential item (and hence is FOR the GST on it).

There’s lip biting and thrusting and groaning and the phrase ‘I rubbed against her sex’. Ew.

The main difference is while in the last book there were feelings, Christian is a big ‘ol dirty potty mouth. To the point where I imagine that on E.L. James’ keyboard, the letter’s F U C and K would be worn away to little nubs.

Christian Grey may be rich. But he’d be a lot more wealthy if he wasn’t pouring his cashola into the worlds biggest swear jar everyday.

The first mention of lip biting is page 7. And then it continues, ad nauseum, until you start thinking ‘shit, forget buying her cars and clothes, Christian. Get the girl a squeezy tube of Paw Paw ointment already’.

But you know, Christian is supposed to be a monster. But, there were moments when I felt like we were the same person. Like when he gets horny over a bagel.

Who of us haven’t felt that way about a good bagel?

No? Bagels don’t do it for you?

How about the hardware store? Does that give you feelings in the bathing suit bits?

Well, Grey is definitely into it. When she reaches for that masking tape, oh baby, oh baby.

At times, I was captivated by how scintillating the book was. I mean, sex is just dripping from this exchange:

And the romance factor is high.

Overall, I would give it a 1/10. And that’s only because it was on sale.

For a sneak peek into some of our favourite bits (including when he’s “glorying in her, in the feel of her”), enjoy them here:

Will you be reading this book? 

For more on 50 Shades of Grey… 

The reviews of the new Fifty Shades book are in… And they’re hilarious.

Really? Fifty Shades of Grey passes the feminism test.

Rosie Reviews: Fifty Shades of Grey.