Rosie Recaps: Neighbours. "Who the hell are all these people?"

Neighbours is older than Rosie Waterland. And to celebrate the fact, last night she sat down and watched her first episode in a very, very long time.

I haven’t watched Neighbours since Billy was dating Anne, but since this week marks the show’s 30th anniversary, I thought I’d check in with Ramsay Street and see how the old gang are doing. I recapped last night’s episode, and… Wow. Let’s just say things have really changed. I needed a drink afterwards.

Here’s how it went down:

Okay. Here we go.

It’s the opening credits and already I recognise no one. Who are all these people? And why does everyone look like a Cotton On model? Where’s Harold and Madge? Oh wait – there’s that Toadfish Man! And Dr. Karl and Susan! Okay I feel a little safer now. The Toadfish Man shall get me through this strange new universe.

First scene! Oh my – there’s a very trendy electric guitar soundtrack. A lady looks very mad and she’s talking to another lady. I know neither of them. Don’t know what they’re talking about. Something about wedding food. A wedding! Are Billy and Anne getting hitched?

And we’ve already moved on. Cut to a hotel room, and a man is walking around with his SHIRT UNBUTTONED. I think this is Neighbours’ way of indicating he just had sexy-times. Wow, Neighbours is so risqué these days. Again, I don’t know who he is, but he looks nervous. He’s doing lots of pacing around the room, which in soap opera land equals being nervous. Pacing = NERVOUS ACTING.

Related: Margot Robbie is a long way from Ramsay Street.

Gasp! The angry lady from before bangs on the hotel room door and tells the man to come with her right away. I have no clue what the hell is happening but it sure as hell feels like there’s a lot of intrigue.

Do you remember that these people were on Neighbours? No, neither did we (Post continues after gallery):

Okay, now we’re with some girl who is a bridesmaid at the wedding that is apparently tomorrow.

Looks like everyone on Neighbours is involved in the wedding. This girl is a sad bridesmaid because she’s in love with the groom and the bride is her best friend. What a pickle she’s in.We know she’s sad because she’s doing lots of sad acting, including sighing and looking down at the ground. Some man called Paul who seems to live and work exclusively in a high-rise apartment wants to stop the wedding. Not clear why.

And how come I’ve only seen a hotel room and a high-rise apartment? Why is everything so fancy now? Where the hell is Ramsay St? WHAT’S GOING ON ERINSBOROUGH? Help me, Toadfish man! I’m frightened!

Cut to a restaurant. The angry lady who pulled Unbuttoned Shirt Guy out of the hotel room after he’d clearly just had sexy-times is talking to Unbuttoned Shirt Guy. Angry Lady is still angry. She’s friends with his wife, and she saw him going into the hotel room for unbuttoned shirt sexy-times.

“How could you betray her like that?” she asks, doing some very good angry acting.

The unbuttoned shirt guy looks pissed off now. “She betrayed me!” he says. “With YOUR husband!”

Gasp gasp gasp! A few minutes in and already things are so incestuous. I’m a little exhausted. Can’t we just watch Harold drink a milkshake or something?

FINALLY! We’re at a house on Ramsay St. It looks like it’s Sad Bridesmaid’s house. She’s wearing her bridesmaid dress and looking in the mirror while being sad. A Cotton On model comes into the room and gives her a hug.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

Okay. Wow. Let’s take a break for a second. Things on Neighbours have changed big-time. I recognise no one. Rosie so confuse. But, there are two major story lines that I can see so far:

Angry Lady’s husband cheated on her with her married friend. That married friend’s husband then cheated on his wife as revenge for her sleeping with the Angry Lady’s husband, and Angry Lady caught him and now she’s angry at him. But he’s all: “Why are you mad? Our partners cheated on us with each other!” And she’s all: “Doesn’t matter. Still angry. I’m Angry Lady.”

Related: 17 celebs who started their careers on Ramsay Street.

The other storyline is this wedding. Apparently it’s tomorrow and the bride is currently trying to get home from overseas, which High-Rise Apartment Paul is trying to stop because he’s the groom’s uncle and he doesn’t think they should be getting married. Not clear why. Then there’s Sad Bridesmaid, who we know is sad because she’s doing lots of sighing. She’s in love with the groom, but the bride is her best friend so she’s just going continue looking very sad.

Okay, I think I’m following. Ad break over. Hold me, Toadfish Man.

Unbuttoned Shirt Guy is back at home talking to his wife. OMFG is he going to tell her he was just in a hotel room with another lady with his SHIRT UNBUTTONED? No. They just have a very tense conversation about their marriage. He admits nothing. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! Turns out these two are the parents of the bride who’s currently overseas even though her wedding is tomorrow and High-Rise Paul is trying to stop it and Sad Bridesmaid is sad.

IT’S ALL CONNECTED.

Cut to a very hipster-looking cafe filled with lots of Cotton On models. Where the fuck is Harold’s store? And where the fuck is Harold? WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE THEY ALL PARTICIPATING IN THIS WEDDING INCEPTION?

Ohhhh dramaaaaaa: The bride has returned! Just in time for the wedding tomorrow! She sits at the table with Sad Bridesmaid and doesn’t notice that Sad Bridesmaid is sad, but we know she’s sad because of her SAD ACTING. Oh my gosh, the groom just came in and kissed his bride-to-be and told her that High-Rise Apartment Paul doesn’t want them to get married. It’s still not clear why, but everyone has very dramatic, worried looks on their faces. WORRIED ACTING.

BAM. Cut to commercial.

Related: Delta Goodrem is moving back to Ramsay Street.

Can I just say that I’m very disappointed that I was teased with the promise of Toadfish Man and Dr. Karl and Susan in the opening credits, and they’ve not yet appeared once? Surely we can cut one scene of a Cotton On model hugging Sad Bridesmaid and give Dr. K some lines? It would make me feel safe. This new Ramsay Street is all hipster cafes and hotel rooms and high-rise apartments and I miss when Billy and Anne used to just hang out in their driveway.

Okay, we’re back. Watching the married couple who are cheating on each other and whose daughter is getting married tomorrow even though the bridesmaid is sad and High-Rise Apartment Paul is trying to ruin everything. They’re just talking about how much they hate their marriage. Nothing really. Boring.

Cut to High-Rise Apartment Paul in his high-rise apartment. Sad Bridesmaid comes over to drop off the groom’s vows. What a dagger in her sad, sad heart! High-Rise Apartment Paul accuses her of being in love with the groom. She denies it, and there’s lots of ANGRY ACTING.

High-Rise Apartment Paul still wants to stop the wedding (still not clear why), so he immediately goes and tells the bride that her best friend Sad Bridesmaid is sad because she’s in love with the groom. The bride moves her eyes from side-to-side a lot, so you know she’s worried. Moving eyes = WORRIED ACTING.

Gasp! The bride visits Sad Bridesmaid and confronts her about her feelings for the groom! She says nothing, and turns away from the bride to hide the obvious sadness on her Sad Bridesmaid face. But, TWIST! When she turns her head, she accidentally faces a mirror, so the bride can see her sad face looking sad in the reflection! BUSTED. Damn mirrors and their emotion-revealing reflections!

Sad Bridesmaid has no choice. She admits her love for the groom and resigns as maid of honour. We know the bride is angry because she’s yelling a lot. So much yelling. Yelling = ANGRY ACTING.

End of episode. Holy Oprah, I’m exhausted. And apparently tomorrow night Sad Bridesmaid who just resigned will be become Happy Bridesmaid because she and the groom are going to run off together. I really want to see that, but I don’t know if I can handle more of this complicated wedding inception emotional roller coaster.

AND WHERE THE HELL WAS HAROLD?

Click through the gallery below for some of our favourite Neighbours moments over the years.

Did you watch the Neighbours 30th anniversary special?