Lance Armstrong blames girlfriend for latest mishap. Is worst person ever.

Bad, Lance. BAD.

Cyclist-turned-butt-of-all-drug-jokes Lance Armstrong is in trouble. AGAIN.

The former seven-time tour-de-France winner (until all those medals were taken away for naughty doping behaviour) did four things wrong on Dec 28th.

1) Got drunk in Aspen, and then drove.

2) Drove into some parked cars.

3) Asked his girlfriend to take responsibility.

4) Ran away before the cops got there.

Pretty much every one of those things is a crime. Whoopsidoodle.

Lance was having a big night out in Aspen, Colorado, probably in his spandex and helmet (actually, probably not). He and long-term girlfriend Anna Hansen got in his car, and he drove through the winding, icy roads of Aspen. ALREADY NOT USING YOUR THINKING CAP, LAWRENCE. Predictably, he lost control of his SUV and crashed into two parked cars. Anna knocked on the front door of the man who was renting one of the smashed parked cars, and said:

“I’m Anna, we’re the Armstrongs, my husband’s Lance, he was just driving maybe too fast around the corner or something…”, which is what the man told police. He rang the police to report the crash. Lance and Anna ran away before the cops got there.

When the police interviewed them, the couple stated that Anna was driving. LIE. Later, Anna revealed the truth – the couple decided to lie as to avoid media interest.

“We’ve had our family name smeared over every paper in the world in the last couple of years and honestly, I’ve got teenagers, I just wanted to protect my family,” Anna told the police. “I thought, gosh, ‘Anna Hansen hit some cars’, it’s not going to show up in the papers, but ‘Lance Armstrong hit some cars’, it’s going to be a national story.”

Fair call that you want to protect your family…. But bad news, guys. The illegal lie you told is much more attractive to the media than a standard DUI.

Okay Lance, new plan for less negative media attention is this:

Break less laws. Tell less lies.

That is all.