Sorry, Kate Ceberano, but fancy thongs are NOT shoes.

It’s the thong-troversy that’s divided a nation.

Aussie bogans far and wide have leapt to Ceberano’s defence, preaching the virtues of our national footwear, raising their pluggers high in support. “They’re not even thongs!” they cried, “They’re fancy thongs!” Fancy thongs or not, I am calling bullsh*t and telling Kate one thing: step up your shoe game, or I’m taking your place in the lounge.

Growing up in a non-thong wearing household, I personally struggle with the concept of the much-loved footwear. Why do people wear them? Do their feet get hot? Does a standard-issue sandal take too long to operate? Are they in a rush that all they can do is slide and go?

There are so many issues with thongs, a style that is simply fraught with danger. You can’t run in them, they are open to the elements, and most of all, they are blacklisted at most venues. Including – and I hope you’re listening, Ms. Ceberano – the Qantas Lounge.

I’m with Qantas on this one.

Once I’ve finally reached a point in my life that I am allowed into the Qantas Lounge – and God knows, that’s probably still a few years/flights/pay cheques from now – there’s a few things that I don’t need to deal with.

I don’t want to look at your ingrown toenails or crusty heels. I don’t want to smell your toe sweat. I don’t want to hear the flapping of plastic pluggers on the pristine lounge linoleum. And I sure as hell don’t want to run the risk of spilling some searing hot soup on your unprotected tootsies. (I hear they have soup in the lounge. Is this true? Is it served really in gold leaf dishes? Is there actually a chocolate waterfall?)

Simply throwing an extra strap across your foot does not magically transform a thong into a sandal, my friend: it simply leverages it’s place in the flip-flop-food-chain from ‘thong’ to ‘fancy thong’. And yet, our Kate seemed to think her long standing position as a Fancy Lounge Person would blind the Qantas staff from their obvious shock at her naked feet. Qantas was not happy. Kate was not happy. I was not happy.

“Disappointed to be evicted from the Qantas Lounge after being a member since 1990 for wearing ‘inappropriate footwear’? hahaha (new rules).” – Kate Ceberano Facebook page.

Don’t listen to her whinging, Qantas. You keep Fancy Club fancy, and I’ll keep my eye on the be-thonged bogans in the cattle class lounge. Oh, and Kate? If you’re adamant to stick to your pro-plugger stance, I’m waiting in the wings for your lounge membership. Sensible shoes and all.

Thinking of hitting up the Qantas Lounge with the other ultra-high-net-worth citizens of Australia? Here’s some suggestions of alternative footwear that’s LIKE a thong, but not a thong. (Hint: they aren’t made from rubber…)

QANTAS FRIENDLY NON-THONG OPTIONS

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