I'm A Celebrity... Episode 2 recap: Celebrities in the shower.

Did you watch – again? Then this, this is for you.

It seems that everyone lived through the first two nights – enough for Channel Ten to legally air the next episode, at least.

There’s my Bondi Vet and Julia Morris, on another rope bridge. Cue terribly scripted banter. Cue Chris trying not to poke Julia in the face with his jaw.

OOOH! CHRIS HAS A MASSIVE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Oh. It’s about SMS voting. Don’t care.

Dr Jawbone and J.Mo are pointing out the fact that an awkward sound man wandered into shot last night, as I noticed. They try to cover up the fact that this crew man was probably fired by making a joke out of it.

A re-hash of every minute the celebs spent during the night. Marcia Brady (can’t remember actress’s actual name, Maureen… Brady?) struggles to get to bathroom in the pitch black. Fortunately camera man has night vision, but not the manners to help Marcia. At the crack of dawn, Marcia and Miss Laura Australia get in and snuggle Joel Creasey. Not sure why. Probably because celebrities can’t go 10 minutes without touching other celebrities.

Marcia is actually being seriously inappropriate and weird by feeling up Joel Creasey. Is barking up wrong tree. Creasey is more camp than the camp-site itself.

Non-famous celeb Tyson takes off his top and has a shower. Not going to pretend I’m sad about it. One Fifth of Hi-5 Lauren also has a shower and shows off her six-pack. Not going to pretend I’m happy about it. Oh good, there’s a theme. We watch all the celebrities shower. Excepet Merv, because he bathes in a creek, which the fish are surely less than thrilled about.

Merv is picking his nose. At one point he has two hands involved. Chrissie says ‘jungle boogers’ 15 times. They are already running out of things to talk about. Former Hi-5 claims she doesn’t want to be camp leader. Makes me think that she desperately wants to be camp leader. No idea what the camp leader does, is probably in charge of being camp. Oh good, they have chosen Joel Creasey. Oh good, he has made a camp joke, just for me.

They have cooked up a springbok neckbone with dirty river water for a breakfast broth. Salmonella is imminent and an exciting prospect. Merv demonstrates he is losing weight by letting his pants fall down. Apparently he eats more than springbok neck broth and boogers at home.

Five minute discussion of Merv’s moustache answers all the questions I had about Merv’s moustache. Which was none.

Cut to Dr Sexy Vet and JM. They give us directions on how to vote for the contestants to do something more interesting than sit around the campfire. Many puns on the celebs names (i.e. “If you want to see Daddo in the baddo”), just as they did last night. If this is going to happen every night, I’m going to time my bathroom breaks during this exact moment.

Joel is off to win some food for the team. Gets a send-off of many ‘I love yous’ and the hot ones pressing their breasts against him in support. Chris and Juls meet Joel in a jungle clearing where the bugs are so loud it’s quite hard to hear. We get it – nature, Africa, blah blah.

Joel has to shove his hand in a hole to get a reward. So many puns, so little time. ‘Oh My God, it’s so deep’. Hole 1, dung and dung beetles. He lives. Hole 2, scorpions. Still lives. Hole 3. TARANTULAS. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE JUNGLE, CREASEY. The tarantulas are good sports, fortunately (though, unfortunately, for sake of good television).

Hole 4, rats. Joel is shaking so hard he looks like a Beyonce video clip. Hole 5, snakes. I’m assuming he doesn’t die, otherwise Channel Ten would have advertised this moment with more excitement. Joel touching a bunch of snakes is surprisingly anticlimactic. He has completed the task quite easily and earned enough meals to at least feed Merv and Barry Hall. What’s that noise? Oh. It’s the producers saying ‘damn… should have added more snakes’.

Back at camp. The actress who plays Marcia Brady is surprising me, because she is as ditzy and precious as Marcia Brady. I expected here to at least be more down-to-Earth than the 12-year-old girl she used to play. Apparently not.

DRAMA. There’s a really shiny snake. Everyone goes to look at the shiny snake. Chrissie and Joel are left behind to discuss the other contestants. It’s clear that they are trying to be nice in front of the cameras, because celebrities have a reputation, etc. No, wait. Joel wants to shoot Merv. Bitchy reputation solidified. Turns out shiny snake was not a snake, was a legless lizard (is that not a snake?) which Dr Chris explains in his vet voice, which will go into my spank bank for later.

Chrissie and Marcia are constipated. They have a good chat about it, but no poos.

Hi-5 has stripped down to her underwear to show off her perkiness while she plays with leaves or something. Now she’s doing a clappy thing with a cup, and being upbeat. Shows off her intelligence by teaching Chrissie a game about frogs and emotions.

One-of-the-Daddo’s and Miss Australia Dundovic are sent on a trek to find a ‘celebrity chest’ which is no doubt not as interesting as it sounds. Together they have to saw through a log in the middle of a forest,  a bit of a sadistic mind-fuck for the other living trees. They carry the chest back to camp. Miss Australia insists she must help one-of-the-Daddo’s carry the chest, but it is too heavy. So she does not help, just tells the camera three times about how tired she is.

Cut back to camp. Celebs talk about how hungry they are. No, like, really hungry. No, like, STARVING. Hurrah! Daddo and Dundovic are back from their chest retrieval. They open it. It’s a prize donated by Kyle Sandilands. Excellent exposure. Well done, Kyle’s agent. I expect Kyle probably didn’t even know about it. Then again, maybe he did, because it’s a pretty shit present. An electric fly swatter that Merv cannot eat.

Disappointment, hunger, Oh My Gods, etc.

Chris and Juls are back to talk about voting for the fifteenth time in ten minutes. Spend lots of time fake-laughing and pretending they find each other much funnier than the crap lines will allow them to be. Their chemistry is palpable, but their script is shit.

Dinner has arrived. Wildebeest, sweet potato, red onion, okra, and apricots. Welcome to Africa, now let’s eat our way through all the local animals. Marcia complains about the lack of seasoning. Chrissie takes over the cooking. Nails it. Is now stuck with cooking duties for the rest of her natural life. Everyone agrees the Wildebeest turned out to taste pretty good, despite the fact it is not from Coles.

Chris just looked down the camera and licked his lips, probably just for me. And then he seemed to stifle a yawn, probably because of the jokes on the teleprompter.

CAMPFIRE STORY TIME.

Theme: What happens when a celebrity meets their idol (aka a slightly bigger celebrity)? Not sure who Chrissie said, I was still thinking about Dr Chris. Joel talks about opening for Joan Rivers. So much celebrity. Merv tells about meeting his idol, Greg the yellow Wiggle. Ex Hi-5 Lauren probably takes this nod towards her rival band personally. Can barely understand Merv through his moustache anyway. Daddo does great Sylvester Stallone impersonation. Barry struggles to put a sentence together, but basically says “Me Barry. Me play football. Arrarrrarrrrr.” Actually, he is quite sweet and shy. Like Duffman, or a beagle.

Next morning. Chris and Juls enter the camp. Juls is wearing sneakers with a pencil skirt, like a busy school mum. They tell the celebs who has been nominated for tomorrow’s eating-gross-things challenge. They do this by naming a celebrity and saying ‘Tyson…..(huge pause)… it’s not you’ until they have worked their way through all of them. Probably could have come up with a catchier line, scriptwriters.

LIVE TELEVISION HAS BLACKED OUT FOR A WHILE. When the generator kicks in at Channel Ten broadcasting, we cut back in to the show to discover that the nominated celeb was either Merv or Marcia, because they are both standing up. Cut to Chris and Juls saying ‘how exciting was that?!’. I don’t know guys. The show dropped out at the climax.

So that’s that for Day 2. Very few events. Very much constipation. Very much excited to see if Marcia is still alive tomorrow.