Dan Debuf recaps: Game of Thrones season 5 episode 7.

Spoiler alert. If you haven’t watched the episode… You know the drill.

We begin our episode at Castle Black, where Jon Snow is heading off on the Great Westerosi Road Trip (those always end well) with Tormund. Winter really is coming, because it’s now snowing heavily at The Wall, and all the little Night’s Watchmen look like cute, surly lamingtons.

Jon sets off with his Chekov’s Dragonglass and Sam and Gilly attend to Maester Aemon, who has gone from hale and healthy election-changer to sweaty, Egg-hallucinating old timer in the space of a few episodes. I’m 99% sure that his is the only non-violent death in the series this far, and 100 years of age is a pretty fine effort considering the sum total of medical knowledge in this world is leeches and boiled wine. And now his watch is ended. On the whole, a touching farewell to one of the nicest, and excessively ancient, men in Westeros.

Watching this I did think to myself – wow, Sam is kind of screwed. Jon gone, Aemon gone… and then Alliser Thorne LITERALLY pointed that out. Seriously, this guy is THE WORST. Let me figure these things out myself, Al. To drive the point home, Game of Thrones decided to dial up the sexual assault quotient, and have two Night’s Watchmen try and force themselves on Gilly, before the were defeated by Sam. Sorry – by Ghost, or “deus ex machina” if you will.

Sam got some saucy oath-breaking lovemaking for his troubles though. Ghost got an extra can of Chum or something, I’m assuming.

Speaking of sexual assault (GRIM SEGUE), you probably spent all last week debating that scene at the end of last week’s episode. Here’s the sad news: things are not getting better for Sansa. In fact, they are getting a whole lot worse.

Did last night’s Game of Thrones throw in a “rape for ratings” scene?

She has now lost two lifelines: Reek (he is DEFINITELY no longer Theon) will always go to Ramsay. And her old lady mate isn’t suggesting any new candle locations any time soon. So that leaves Brienne and Stannis, both of whose existence she has no knowledge of. I predict one more episode of “all hope is lost” and maybe – even though I hope not – one more unspeakable act from Ramsay, to drive the point home for viewers – before Stannis and Brienne arrive with Dorne-like simultaneity. Although at the end of this recap we’ll discuss this: there is maybe one hope for her in Winterfell.

Speaking of Stannis – he may have made a huge mistake, but he ain’t budging.

It looks like Ramsay was right about the Northerners being bred tough – there are already a few ominous coughs and dead horse statistics floating around Stannis’s lilywhite Southerner camp. Mel and Stan engage in their push and pull brand of stony man / fiery woman flirting in the way only they can: knocking over figurines and threatening to murder daughters. Seriously, between Gilly, Sansa and now Shireen, Westerosi women are really copping it today.

Meanwhile, The Queen of Thorns and the High Sparrow are doing what I assume all old people do: trading stories about ailments and making thinly veiled insults. “I can smell a fraud from a mile away,” quips Lady Olenna, but to be honest, the High Sparrow looks like the kind of guy who you could smell a mile away regardless of fraudulent intent. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to share the same carriage as him on the 9:05 express from King’s Landing to Gulltown. “You are the few… we are the many” he shoots back, confirming his status as the current leader of “Occupy King’s Landing.”

Elsewhere in K.L., Tommen is adorably angry but on the whole, it comes across as a rather lacklustre attempt to be Joffery. I imagine Cersei would be quite disappointed.

From one smitten and angry Lannister teen to another, Myrcella is not happy with the way her… um… “uncle” has handled things in King’s Landing. Tommen has fallen for Margaery, and Myrcella for Trystane, and although Jaime and Cersei aren’t very fond at all of the Tyrells and the Martells, there’s really little they can do about it.

In much less plush digs, Bronn sings in the cell across from the Sand Snakes. A couple of internet snoops did pick up that, given Oberyn’s proclivities towards poison, Tyene’s dagger, which very prominently slashed Bronn last episode, was probably poisoned. Well… it was! I take back everything I said about daggers being the lamest weapon!

However, Tyene’s way of quickening the blood flow was a little unexpected. Turns out Tyene has another pair of pointy things that she uses as a weapon, boom tish. In the end it was all just a bit of fun to get him to compliment her, which was unusual to say the least. Like, at least buy his loyalty, or get him to owe you a burger or something? Negotiation 101 – if you’ve got them facing death, and you’re the only one with the antidote, you can ask for pretty much anything.

Can I be honest? I was so excited for the Sand Snakes, as Oberyn is my favourite character, and the Dornish scenes in theory sounded even cooler than in the books (where Jaime is somewhere else entirely)… but aside from monologues, stupidly coincidental arrival times, and boobs, these scenes have come off as a little undercooked. This is only their third appearance – angry in the sand, fighty fight, gaol. That’s like… twenty minutes of screen time? Surely we can see bit more than the Xena Goes To Spain vibe we’ve had so far!

Also side note:  the song Bronn was singing was about a Dornishmen taking his life. ALWAYS watch for the foreshadowing!

Littlefinger is once again looking through peepholes, but now it’s just broken harps and religious graffitti, not his normal shenanigans. Like the tower in Winterfell, this was an obvious nod to Season One. This season seems preoccupied with pointing out how far we’ve come. And it’s true – remember when characters like Catelyn, or Kahl Drogo, or even Viserys ruled the game? When Arya and Sansa ate lemoncakes and Tyrion pissed off The Wall? It all seems so long ago.

There is someone else in The Finger’s brothel though – the Queen of Thorns, lamenting the defaced pornos. It looks like these two are bound together until the end, which suits this quip-hungry viewer. Sidebar: Is a flesh market where you find a “cock merchant”?

Speaking of that infamous cock, this episode’s penultimate showdown took place in what I’m assuming is the “pools stage” for the slave fighting World Cup in Mereen. Dany must have been feeling a little bit like the butcher at that event, but as Daario says, that’s better than being the meat.

You’ve got to admit that Dany held her poker face well when the newly bought slave turned out to be none other than Ser Jorah Mormont. Absence has not made this heart grow fonder though. Be gone, traitor! But no! He has a present for you… just what you always wanted! A Tyrion!

DANY. TYRION. TOGETHER. SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN DOVES CRY.

One last surprise for the episode though! Cersei obviously thought it was a worthwhile use of her time to bring her cold leftover deer meat in to feed to the imprisoned Margaery, who now has the same makeup notes as Gilly. Cersei had quite the strut on her way out of the Sept.

Siri, define “hubris”

Seriously, note to self, if I have brunch with the high sparrow, I’ll make sure to check behind all doors. Were we surprised to see Lancel at all? Even with Littlefinger’s presage to Lady Olenna, this was a long time coming. You don’t just give up incest for lent and get your head tattoo’d and forget to tell your boss all that juicy goss. BEGIN DOWNFALL.

Who will bring you venison, Cersei?

Fun final thoughts!

NEXT EPISODE WILL HAVE BOATS. Jon Snow and Tormund Giantsbane sailing to the excitingly named Hardhome! Plus we didn’t see Arya this week, so I reckon next week Meryn Trant and Mace Tyrell will arrive in Braavos and Arya might just be able to cross another name off her list. Will Jaime sail home to find his sister in a pickle?

NEXT EPISODE WILL HAVE THE TYRION/DANY SCENE WE’VE ALL DREAMED OF. Finally! Will he try to charm her? Will he knock her down a peg? Will they drink wine? Will there be more Daario butt?

ANOTHER PREDICTION. The Wall is a hostile place. Sam knows Gilly isn’t safe and I reckon he’ll try to hide her like he did last season. But Jon doesn’t know this. Or that Aemon’s dead. He’s going to be sailing back to a lot of angry Night’s Watchmen. So here’s what I reckon… and it’s just a theory… But go back to the very first meme I posted here – see Olly in the background? In every scene, he’s next to an axe. FORESHADOWING???

YET ANOTHER PREDICTION. Sansa is going to stab the shit out of Ramsay. Did you spot it? When Sansa meets Ramsay on the snow covered battlements, he turns, and she surreptitiously pockets something: a corkscrew, or an awl, or an auger or some such medieval tool. It could be YET ANOTHER false hope… but surely not? Surely this is Sansa’s escape tool?

We’ll find out (hopefully) next week. Until then! Valar Morghulis!

What did you think of this week’s episode?

Missed Dan’s other recaps? Check them out here:

Season 5 Episode 6

Season 5 Episode 5

Season 5 Episode 4

Season 5 Episode 3

Season 5 Episode 2

Season 5 Episode 1