11 things with more sex appeal than 50 Shades' Christian Grey.

And we could have listed 12,000,000.

50 Shades of Grey has been getting women around the world hot and bothered since the first book was published in 2011. So, millions flocked to the cinema when the movie was released last week – ready for a big ol’ perve-fest. The world was ready for Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, to be a total sex-pot.

And… the world was severely, severely disappointed. #SorryJamie

We were also left wondering if Dornan wasn’t allowed toilet breaks on set or if he needs more fibre in his diet because it was really just 125 minutes of Christian Grey’s I-need-to-poo face.

Related: The honest-girls guide to Fifty Shades of Grey. No spin. All truth.

And his attempts at sulky seduction got more laughs than groans.

Seriously lady, call 000. That scene belongs in a horror movie.

As we wallow in our collective disappointment, please entertain yourselves with this list of 12 things that have way more sex appeal than Christian Grey. Most things in the universe could have made it onto this list, but we have showed restraint and brought you only the hottest of the hot.

1. This toasted cheese sandwich. Get at us.

2. The voice of ABC Breakfast‘s Michael Rowland. On repeat.

3. All pizza ever. Nnnnngggrrrrh.

4. Ryan Gosling and his dog. Yes, he needed a mention.

5. Jesse Williams’ eyes. Piercing as hell.

6. Fresh sheets. Dem feels.

7. Things fitting perfectly. You can’t say that shit doesn’t get you off.

8. hotguysandbabyanimals.com. Make this your homepage.

9. Benedict Cumberbatch in general, but more specifically Benedict Cumberbatch doing impressions.

10. Steaming hot showers. Alone. Groan.

11. A wooden spoon.

Basically everything is sexier than Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey. Especially cheese.