One third of vegetarians admit to eating meat when drunk.

Does it count if you can’t remember?

In a recent survey held in the UK, almost one third of the vegetarians admitted to scoffing a secret meaty treat after a big night out.

From a pool of 1,800 vegos who were asked how often they eat meat:

• 34% said every time they get drunk on a night out
• 26% replied fairly often
• 22% said “Rarely”
• 18% said “Occasionally”

*Cue smug smile*

Now, I’m the first to admit to eating some pretty weird things after arriving home with one too many drinks under my belt. The siren’s song of a baked-bean-and-melted-cheese jaffle, or Pringles dipped in ice cream, or a mystery meat kebab (with extra garlic sauce), always seems impossible to ignore with a belly full of beer… and even more impossible to understand once the sun comes up.

But that’s the joy of being a non-vegetarian, you see.

Whilst ticking off my regrets of the night before (empty wallet, splitting headache, mystery objects in my handbag — assumed stolen), ‘eating meat’ isn’t listed.

I am a free woman to roam the neon-lit 3am drive-throughs, filling my gut with chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers and burritos and other strains of fake meat.

It’s my goddamn prerogative to fly high the flimsy yellow and orange cheeseburger wrapper flag of McDonald’s and shout from the rooftops — YES! I AM ENJOYING THIS DRUNKEN BURGER MORE THAN ANYTHING I’VE EVER EATEN!

I can hear the vegetarians of Australia sharpening their lemongrass shanks, but seriously guys — I’m on your side here.

I admire that you are able to so enthusiastically praise the versatility of tofu. I like the impressive alternatives you bring to the world of backyard barbeques. I sometimes even believe you when you tell me how delicious your veggie burger is. But I know deep in my heart that there is no meat-free alternative that comes even close to satisfying a tipsy appetite like a beef burger or deep-fried dirty bird.

So I’m calling a truce.

The next time you’re tempted to snivel and throw some shade in the face of meaty conversation, think again. I don’t want to be burnt at the stake for eating a steak. I want us to be on the same protein team, united in our crusade against anaemia.

That means no narky comments when I’m trying to shape a dinner party menu, no eyerolls when I’m munching away on my BLT, and definitely no ‘plant-based-diet’ lectures when I’m discussing the finer points of the perfect pork crackling. Because I KNOW what you did last summer-inspired fruit cocktail.

Bon appétit!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am a steadfast advocate for animal rights, and sustainable farming practices. I very much admire those who have adopted a meat-free lifestyle in order to reduce their footprint on an already overburdened industry. I hope you can take this article with a dab of good humour — vegetarians are like blondes, Irishmen, and a horse in a bar: easy fodder for jokes.